I don't know how much more I can take

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by adamO, Jan 10, 2010.

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  1. adamO

    adamO New Member

    I have read a lot of posts here and can relate to nearly all of them, as far as my story goes I have been thinking about suicide daily for the last 2 years. I never really thought about it as an option before, my major problems started when my first and only girlfriend left me nearly 8 years ago.

    I spent the best part of 4-5 years bouncing in and out of rehabs, psych wards, jail cells, I am alcoholic. And it was around 2006 I felt like life was getting better, I found a job and up until then I had never had a job. I got my own place, up until then I lived with my mother. I was around 27 at the time.

    Then I met a girl, fell in love and she lied to me, humiliated me and made me feel so low and so worthless I couldn't take it. I had a nervous breakdown over this girl and the ironic thing is I never slept with her or even had a date with her. I kissed her once when she walked me home from the bar she worked in, but flat out denied it afterward.

    I ended up drinking heavily, missing days of work. Eventually I was back in a psych ward and my boss fired me over the phone when I called him from inside the psych ward, I was banned from going to the bar this girl worked in. I tried sending her letters pleading with her to call me but no luck.

    It's been a year since I lost my job, I lost my apartment. I cannot find another job, in my country jobs for people like me are very scarce. Plus I have lost all motivation, I can't think positive. I drink myself to sleep every night with close to 4 litres of red wine, and I just wish this life would end.

    What I have written here is not even a 3rd of my story, I've had so many traumatic things happen to me I have lost count. I am now 30 and in the last 12 years I'd say only not even half of them have been what you would call bearable, plus my childhood was a nightmare and it haunts me.

    My father was alcoholic and was abusive both physically and verbally, he died of cancer. I was sexually abused by several male relatives when I was very young, and these things are all hard to live with. My life feels that humiliating, and painful I just want to die, I keep wishing that something nice will happen but when it does I fall flat on my ass again.

    I could talk for pages and pages but I wouldn't want to bore anyone here, any thoughts, words help etc would be nice.......thanks.
  2. middleofnowhere

    middleofnowhere Well-Known Member

    I know too well some of the things you wrote, Adam. I've had suicidal thoughts pretty much daily for around 5 years, and have made a number of attempts. These feelings really kill any positive thoughts we have toward ourselves and other people. Talking with a psychotherapist for 2 years was a great help to me. I know, too, that prayer - both mine and my mother's and friends' - has had a lot to do with keeping me alive and sane. Talking with people and staying active have been hard to do, but things like that have helped me feel better. I hope you can find help in some way.
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