I don't know how to carry on

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by smilingdarksea, Mar 29, 2010.

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  1. smilingdarksea

    smilingdarksea New Member

    I've turned 18 just this month, am female and feel I have reached breaking point. I think a number of factors in the last year have caused this. My dad was diagnosed with bipolar disorder early last year and transformed. He is not the competent, funny, intelligent man I once knew. He had to sell his accounting firm and was forcibly held in hospital. I have a permanent restraining order against him. Just when I, along with my brother and mother were settling into our new lives at the end of last year my mum was diagnosed with terminal breast cancer. The oncologist said she had 2-5 years, she passed away only 3 months after this, I literally walked into her hospital room one morning and the doctor told me nature had decided to take it's course, she passed away the next morning. I miss her so much, she was my rock and the only person I feel believed in me and loved me unconditionally. I'm not sure if she knew how much I loved and appreciated her and this haunts me every day. I was enrolled to begin a double degree in law and english only 2 weeks after her death, but on moving day felt unable to leave. My mum always told me I needed to make something of myself, and I feel guilt in not going, although I tell people I will go next year. After my mums passing I began to turn to my grandmother, seeking a new female role model. My grandmother had a massive stroke only a month after my mothers passing. On top of this the life insurance people are trying to get out of paying my mothers 2 policies. I have had to move in with my father (despite the restraining/ protection order) who, despite being released from hospital, has severe lows. He works part time now and his income is not enough to pay for rent or food now that my mother has passed. At the moment I am only able to eat one meal a day, dinner, to preserve our very limited food supply. I'm paralysed with fear at the thought of getting a job, as I have, up until last year, always been very well provided for. I worry I will screw up any job I attempt. We will have to move in with my grandmother soon, who is quite changed now.I feel my friends, in comparision to myself, are very carefree and I resent them for that. I'm too embaressed to tell them about my current money and approaching housing situation. Therefore, I often think of suicide and tonight I feel closer than ever after a fight with my best friend and numerous fights with my father. I've always been attracted to the thought of jumping off a bridge, I can imagine the sense of freedom although I know grusome reality of the injuries that accompany it. I don't know how to carry on. I want out of this life. I feel so hurt and scared. I feel my life will not improve. I'm sorry if this makes no sense and i've written heaps. Advice would be appreciated, because no one I know seems interested in giving me any.
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi Smiling, and welcome...you have surely been through so much lately...any one of those things would have made someone so saddened...please continue to post here and let us be there for you...big hugs, J
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You have so much of a burden for someone so young. Each of us grieves differently and i think for you if you could get some grief coucilling it would help you move forward. Your mom would want to see her daughter succeed be happy and in time with councilling that will be possible. I am glad you have reached out for some support here and hope you can reach out some more to get help for you with therapy maybe even medication take care okay be strong and remember your mom is with you still in your heart and spirit.
  4. flyingdutchmen

    flyingdutchmen Well-Known Member

    18 years young and allready went to so many things in this short timespan :sad:
    life has been very cruel to you, i dont realy know what to say i wish i had the right words. you have not deserved this not even a bit of it.
    is there anything you could do to prevent the insurances from not paying those policies so you have at least some financial room for now ? my heart goes out for you. im so sorry to hear your sad story :hug:
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