Its been a while since I haved posted here..So I thought a update was in order.. I was doing good for a while. My husband seemed his old self again and life was great..but it didnt last long.. Wyatt got worse and we had to take him to see the asmtha doctor. His medication was changed and thankfully hes doing better. We have had a few small scares but nothing to serious since. Then I had the worst period of my life. The pain shot up my back, down my legs, and everywhere in my stumock and chest areas. I couldnt lay down, it hurt to walk, it hurt to breath, I was in pure misery. I have been cranky lately, not been sleeping well at all, and I feel constantly starved. I feel fatter then ever and some days I cant function. Some mornings Im up until 4 am and then sleep on and off until after noon. Some days I lay around on the couch for hours at a time with my eyes closed because I want to sleep so bad and cant. I go from freezing to burning up really quickly. I did get the good news today that the hole for my moms basement was dug. Now to build a basement, build the house, wire it for power/water/sewage, and my mom move into it - then I get the house she leaves behind. Which is great... Im about to mention something thats pretty silly and probably a long explaination (feel free to send private messages if you want to comment on this but be nice!).. My husband had a vasectomy about two years ago. I was badly injured during the birth of our son and with the history or misscarriages we thought it was best. All was fine for a while but lately we both have started to want another baby. True Im still damaged from the birth and would probably refuse the pap testing if I was able to get pregnant but I still want to have another baby. My life seems empty like its not complete. Im struggling with my feelings on this issue. We talked about reversal but cant afford it, we talked about sperm donors but of course its probably to much as well, we even talked about my sleeping with someone else (thats how desperate we are).. I struggle with feelings because he cant get me pregnant since the minor surgery. Because Id refuse pap tests if I could get pregnant, because Im scared to death of going thru another childbirth and the injury it could cause a second time around, because Im freaked out by the thoughts of a c-section, because the money involved to get pregnant is way out of our reach, and because despite it all Id love to have another kid.. I know Im not perfect..Its true I didnt want my son when I got pregnant with him, but my husband and I were at eachother throats. Its true I cant always keep my cool, its true I had cps on my back for 3 years because of my depression (Which effected other aspects of life and my moms hubbys ex inlaws turned me in for some trumped up shit to get even..which didnt do anything but spur us into the surgery and ruin our lives)..Okay I hope this is making sence...Im just angry and depressed..I hate myself, I hate my life, I hate the fact I wake up and breath..I feel empty..Okay this ranting/depressing post of mine is finally over..