I dont know how to deal with my feelings.

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by ThoseEmptyWalls, Jul 6, 2009.

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  1. ThoseEmptyWalls

    ThoseEmptyWalls Well-Known Member

    Its been a while since I haved posted here..So I thought a update was in order.. I was doing good for a while. My husband seemed his old self again and life was great..but it didnt last long.. Wyatt got worse and we had to take him to see the asmtha doctor. His medication was changed and thankfully hes doing better. We have had a few small scares but nothing to serious since. Then I had the worst period of my life. The pain shot up my back, down my legs, and everywhere in my stumock and chest areas. I couldnt lay down, it hurt to walk, it hurt to breath, I was in pure misery. I have been cranky lately, not been sleeping well at all, and I feel constantly starved. I feel fatter then ever and some days I cant function. Some mornings Im up until 4 am and then sleep on and off until after noon. Some days I lay around on the couch for hours at a time with my eyes closed because I want to sleep so bad and cant. I go from freezing to burning up really quickly. I did get the good news today that the hole for my moms basement was dug. Now to build a basement, build the house, wire it for power/water/sewage, and my mom move into it - then I get the house she leaves behind. Which is great... Im about to mention something thats pretty silly and probably a long explaination (feel free to send private messages if you want to comment on this but be nice!).. My husband had a vasectomy about two years ago. I was badly injured during the birth of our son and with the history or misscarriages we thought it was best. All was fine for a while but lately we both have started to want another baby. True Im still damaged from the birth and would probably refuse the pap testing if I was able to get pregnant but I still want to have another baby. My life seems empty like its not complete. Im struggling with my feelings on this issue. We talked about reversal but cant afford it, we talked about sperm donors but of course its probably to much as well, we even talked about my sleeping with someone else (thats how desperate we are).. I struggle with feelings because he cant get me pregnant since the minor surgery. Because Id refuse pap tests if I could get pregnant, because Im scared to death of going thru another childbirth and the injury it could cause a second time around, because Im freaked out by the thoughts of a c-section, because the money involved to get pregnant is way out of our reach, and because despite it all Id love to have another kid.. I know Im not perfect..Its true I didnt want my son when I got pregnant with him, but my husband and I were at eachother throats. Its true I cant always keep my cool, its true I had cps on my back for 3 years because of my depression (Which effected other aspects of life and my moms hubbys ex inlaws turned me in for some trumped up shit to get even..which didnt do anything but spur us into the surgery and ruin our lives)..Okay I hope this is making sence...Im just angry and depressed..I hate myself, I hate my life, I hate the fact I wake up and breath..I feel empty..Okay this ranting/depressing post of mine is finally over..
     
  2. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Have you talked to each other about adoption?? You can love an adoptive child just as much as your own..Another option is artificial insemenantion.. All you need is a doner..Don't be afraid of c section.. They have it down to science.. My neice went thru that and had twins..I wish you the best in whatever you decide..
     
  3. ThoseEmptyWalls

    ThoseEmptyWalls Well-Known Member

    Yes, we looked into adoption but we cant because of the past cps case that was opened against us. Let me give you the story, the shortest version I have. When our son was born I was suffering some major depression. I felt a bit trapped to be honest. We were going thru relationship hell due to a mistake of his and I was barely dealing with the fact I was now stuck with him because of a child. My mom had recently got married and her husbands ex in laws decided they wanted to hurt him. So they called the local cps office and told them a bunch of lies on me and my husband. When the state worker came out my husband slammed the door in his face..A whole mess started when they dragged my Dad into it.. A long story short.. Things were a mess.. We hadnt lived here long and the place is 40 years old. One room was shut off completely because of being a total wreck. With my depression and injuries from the birth I hadnt been doing the house work. So the state worker decided to keep bugging us.. I turned hostile after I found out their case against me was illegal..After a long 3 year battle with them I got a phone call and a appology - it was finally over. Well state laws wont allow me to adopt because of that..It wasnt even my fault..They screw my life up because they are in desperate need of clients....We talked about artificial too but we would have to travel out of state and with my having no insurance its impossible to pay for it.. My husbands disabled with a spine condition so we dont have much money.. This is just something I will have to sort my feelings out on and learn to live with. We let our fear of those jerks ruin our lives. I was told by my ssi lawyer to sue their asses but of course no lawyer will take it without a small fortune paid in advance. I really do want justice on my part and my families part. My whole family was tore apart and all of our lives left in shambles because of them and their abuse of power. My moms a social worker and she knew what they were doing and called them on it so they doctored paper work to hide it... Some days Im glad we cant have more children. When Im stressed and our son is yelling his head off or having a sick spell, when we are flat broke and cant even buy a soda pop, and when Im so run down I can barely get up from my chair - Im happy for it.. But when I look at my lil guy and think of all the good times, I hate it so much and wish I could do it all again (minus the cps hell that is)..
     
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