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I Don't Know How To Deal With This...

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by ~Nobody~, Dec 10, 2006.

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  1. ~Nobody~

    ~Nobody~ Well-Known Member

    I thought about putting this in the Crisis forum, just because I am really in a state, and more people reply to Crisis posts. But I don't know, I guess I'm not really in a 'crisis situation'. I'm not about to kill myself. I just feel horrible.

    This is quite embarrassing really.

    Basically since I developed my PTSD I really, really hate my boyfriend (of nearly three years!) behaving in any way sexual or turned on towards me. Even if he just kisses me, it makes me want to fight him off. Even just some complimentary comment about my boobs or my arse throws me back into my abuse situation. I've stopped getting changed in front of him, I can't even handle that.

    Basically I can't stand for him to touch me at all, unless it's for a cwtch. And I can't stand being thought of as 'sexy' or whatever, I just hate it these days.

    He's been so good about the whole thing. The fact that I don't want to kiss him or have sex with him, but more and more frequently he seems to get really upset (not angry, just upset) about it. About being knocked back all the time. He also doesn't understand why things have only been difficult for me in that respect since September-ish. I was fine kissing him and so on even at the time I was being abused. I don't know. It's just the PTSD. I was blocking it all before, I did a great job of not thinking about it consciously at all. But anyway, whilst he tries to understand, he doesn't understand that.

    He's really considerate, and loving. He'd never force me to do anything I didn't want to do.

    But last night I let him have sex with me. That sounds awful doesn't it. "Let him". But I guess that's what I was doing. He even kept checking that I was okay (bless him), but I kept saying I was because I knew he'd be upset if I said no. I feel so guilty about not even kissing him or anything - but I just can't handle it. I can't!

    Maybe this should actually be in Let It All Out, I don't know...

    Anyway, it was horrible. Just horrible. I feel so guilty and awful writing this, I really do. It's not his fault :sad:. But it was horrible. I was literally gritting my teeth. He didn't notice, I didn't want him to know. Worst thing was he even wanted it to really last (I guess because he knows it's such a rare occurrance!) and I was just willing it to be over.

    Afterwards I felt like crying. I did cry. In the bathroom, not where he was. I didn't sleep last night. I really really wanted to cut but I didn't have my things with me (I'm making an effort not to cut except as an absolute last resort). There are razors and things in my boyfriend's bathroom, obviously, but if I'd used them he'd have known how bad I felt.

    I can't tell him. I can't even begin to imagine how awful he'd feel if he knew.

    I feel violated. I know I wasn't, but I feel it.

    I feel so guilty, too.

    Oh God.

    :cry: :cry: :cry:
  2. ~Nobody~

    ~Nobody~ Well-Known Member

    Okay, so I should never even have posted that. But it won't let me edit it now. Just ignore me. Though you all were anyway. Sod this.
  3. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Have experienced that feeling Nobody..it's bloody awful. Guess the moral of the story is don't do it just to please someone else.

    Are you receiving any couselling for the PTSD ? If not you must get some or it's going to hang round you like a bad smell.

    Have a long shower and cosset yourself for a bit. The boyfriend needs to be shelved for at least a few hours until you don't feel so violated.

    It's rotten for him, I know, cos he hasn't done anything wrong; but giving into him out of guilt is just going to make you feel worse.

    Try not to feel guilty, you shared how you felt here rather than blowing him up and that was good.
  4. ~Nobody~

    ~Nobody~ Well-Known Member

    I'm embarrassed that 29 people so far have viewed this :unsure:.

    Thanks for replying Dev, but don't worry I am just an idiot. I wish I'd got back in time to delete that post. Eurgh...

    As for the counselling, I am waiting, and waiting... Going back to my GP this afternoon though. 4pm. Because I am not able to function now.
  5. Erika

    Erika Account Closed

    Im not sure whether i should say this but maybe you are just not attarched to him physically.

    I remember my first bf i was so in love with him but making love was really REALLY bad at times. However, some other guys make me feel completally different.

    But ive never been abused (except thats how i use to feel with my first bf) so maybe im talking something irrelevat.
  6. ~Nobody~

    ~Nobody~ Well-Known Member

    Thanks for your input :smile: but it isn't that at all. It's not him, it's just my illness, or contition, or whatever you want to call it. Disorder, I suppose.
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