I thought about putting this in the Crisis forum, just because I am really in a state, and more people reply to Crisis posts. But I don't know, I guess I'm not really in a 'crisis situation'. I'm not about to kill myself. I just feel horrible.
This is quite embarrassing really.
Basically since I developed my PTSD I really, really hate my boyfriend (of nearly three years!) behaving in any way sexual or turned on towards me. Even if he just kisses me, it makes me want to fight him off. Even just some complimentary comment about my boobs or my arse throws me back into my abuse situation. I've stopped getting changed in front of him, I can't even handle that.
Basically I can't stand for him to touch me at all, unless it's for a cwtch. And I can't stand being thought of as 'sexy' or whatever, I just hate it these days.
He's been so good about the whole thing. The fact that I don't want to kiss him or have sex with him, but more and more frequently he seems to get really upset (not angry, just upset) about it. About being knocked back all the time. He also doesn't understand why things have only been difficult for me in that respect since September-ish. I was fine kissing him and so on even at the time I was being abused. I don't know. It's just the PTSD. I was blocking it all before, I did a great job of not thinking about it consciously at all. But anyway, whilst he tries to understand, he doesn't understand that.
He's really considerate, and loving. He'd never force me to do anything I didn't want to do.
But last night I let him have sex with me. That sounds awful doesn't it. "Let him". But I guess that's what I was doing. He even kept checking that I was okay (bless him), but I kept saying I was because I knew he'd be upset if I said no. I feel so guilty about not even kissing him or anything - but I just can't handle it. I can't!
Maybe this should actually be in Let It All Out, I don't know...
Anyway, it was horrible. Just horrible. I feel so guilty and awful writing this, I really do. It's not his fault :sad:. But it was horrible. I was literally gritting my teeth. He didn't notice, I didn't want him to know. Worst thing was he even wanted it to really last (I guess because he knows it's such a rare occurrance!) and I was just willing it to be over.
Afterwards I felt like crying. I did cry. In the bathroom, not where he was. I didn't sleep last night. I really really wanted to cut but I didn't have my things with me (I'm making an effort not to cut except as an absolute last resort). There are razors and things in my boyfriend's bathroom, obviously, but if I'd used them he'd have known how bad I felt.
I can't tell him. I can't even begin to imagine how awful he'd feel if he knew.
I feel violated. I know I wasn't, but I feel it.
I feel so guilty, too.
Oh God.
:cry: :cry: :cry:
This is quite embarrassing really.
Basically since I developed my PTSD I really, really hate my boyfriend (of nearly three years!) behaving in any way sexual or turned on towards me. Even if he just kisses me, it makes me want to fight him off. Even just some complimentary comment about my boobs or my arse throws me back into my abuse situation. I've stopped getting changed in front of him, I can't even handle that.
Basically I can't stand for him to touch me at all, unless it's for a cwtch. And I can't stand being thought of as 'sexy' or whatever, I just hate it these days.
He's been so good about the whole thing. The fact that I don't want to kiss him or have sex with him, but more and more frequently he seems to get really upset (not angry, just upset) about it. About being knocked back all the time. He also doesn't understand why things have only been difficult for me in that respect since September-ish. I was fine kissing him and so on even at the time I was being abused. I don't know. It's just the PTSD. I was blocking it all before, I did a great job of not thinking about it consciously at all. But anyway, whilst he tries to understand, he doesn't understand that.
He's really considerate, and loving. He'd never force me to do anything I didn't want to do.
But last night I let him have sex with me. That sounds awful doesn't it. "Let him". But I guess that's what I was doing. He even kept checking that I was okay (bless him), but I kept saying I was because I knew he'd be upset if I said no. I feel so guilty about not even kissing him or anything - but I just can't handle it. I can't!
Maybe this should actually be in Let It All Out, I don't know...
Anyway, it was horrible. Just horrible. I feel so guilty and awful writing this, I really do. It's not his fault :sad:. But it was horrible. I was literally gritting my teeth. He didn't notice, I didn't want him to know. Worst thing was he even wanted it to really last (I guess because he knows it's such a rare occurrance!) and I was just willing it to be over.
Afterwards I felt like crying. I did cry. In the bathroom, not where he was. I didn't sleep last night. I really really wanted to cut but I didn't have my things with me (I'm making an effort not to cut except as an absolute last resort). There are razors and things in my boyfriend's bathroom, obviously, but if I'd used them he'd have known how bad I felt.
I can't tell him. I can't even begin to imagine how awful he'd feel if he knew.
I feel violated. I know I wasn't, but I feel it.
I feel so guilty, too.
Oh God.
:cry: :cry: :cry: