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I don't know how to do this.

Mr.notduck

Well-Known Member
#1
I just broke down sobbing at work. Im sitting in my work truck just shaking. I have to get to my next job but I don't want to be driving. Why am i so broken why do I ruin everything.
 

Lekatt

Love Cats Love All
SF Supporter
#3
What would really like to be doing, can we discuss it? I don't think you ruin anything, I can remember days I wished I was doing something I really liked to do. Just keep posting and others will come with new ideas and lots of support. You deserve it. Love and God Bless.
 

Mr.notduck

Well-Known Member
#5
What would really like to be doing, can we discuss it? I don't think you ruin anything, I can remember days I wished I was doing something I really liked to do. Just keep posting and others will come with new ideas and lots of support. You deserve it. Love and God Bless.
Im earning certifications for it cybersecurity. But i,ve got the whole year planned. I just wish I could talk to my ex fiance. She was the only one who made everything feel less crushing. I just want to feel something different again.
 

Lekatt

Love Cats Love All
SF Supporter
#6
I used to be a computer tech at a hospital. Cybersecurity is a great choice in my opinion. There will be times you feel overwhelmed, I think everyone does. But also times of success and fun. Life is never smooth. Find some self-help material to shallow the lows. I still do that on a routine basis. Check my signature.
 

Mr.notduck

Well-Known Member
#7
I used to be a computer tech at a hospital. Cybersecurity is a great choice in my opinion. There will be times you feel overwhelmed, I think everyone does. But also times of success and fun. Life is never smooth. Find some self-help material to shallow the lows. I still do that on a routine basis. Check my signature.
I'm sort of hitting a bottom in my life right now. Her prius exploded in the garage while she was away at her grandfathers funeral. While i was sleeping above it. And besides that she had lost her sex drive due to antidepressants. We had done it like 6 times in 2 years. after the fire i started having panic attacks again with some pretty bad nightmares. I just wanted to feel loved by her. We talked about our sex life and she said she would make an effort, change meds etc. The next time she just laid there. Wouldn't look at me, wouldn't take her top off. I pretended to get there and then went and cried in the bathroom. So for the next 4 days i went on some erotic role playing chat rooms. She found my discord open and called me a disgusting cheating pig and left her ring on my desk and has been locked in the bedroom for 3 days.
 

So so tired

Well-Known Member
#8
I just broke down sobbing at work. Im sitting in my work truck just shaking. I have to get to my next job but I don't want to be driving. Why am i so broken why do I ruin everything.
*sadhug
I am sorry to hear that you are feeling this way. Please give yourself time to gather your thoughts and become more mentally stable before driving. Anxiety can effect us in many different ways. We are here for you. X
 

Mr.notduck

Well-Known Member
#9
*sadhug
I am sorry to hear that you are feeling this way. Please give yourself time to gather your thoughts and become more mentally stable before driving. Anxiety can effect us in many different ways. We are here for you. X
Right now is when I would call to talk about our lunches and how her day alone at home was going. it just feels like im drowning.
 

Mymindsmine

Well-Known Member
#10
What would really like to be doing, can we discuss it? I don't think you ruin anything, I can remember days I wished I was doing something I really liked to do. Just keep posting and others will come with new ideas and lots of support. You deserve it. Love and God Bless.
Im earning certifications for it cybersecurity. But i,ve got the whole year planned. I just wish I could talk to my ex fiance. She was the only one who made everything feel less crushing. I just want to feel something different again.
That’s amazing well done xx hey maybe just don’t hang your well being on your Ex. You be surprised how much you have inside you that can make yourself feel less crushed. You sound amazing and pretty smart so I’m pretty sure you have got it inside to smash it out ball park and find balance within xxxx
 

Mr.notduck

Well-Known Member
#11
That’s amazing well done xx hey maybe just don’t hang your well being on your Ex. You be surprised how much you have inside you that can make yourself feel less crushed. You sound amazing and pretty smart so I’m pretty sure you have got it inside to smash it out ball park and find balance within xxxx
Our 9ish year relationship ended on Thursday. We were very codependent. Neither of us even has friends. I'm going to have panic attacks about this for a while. I don't even know how to live without her at this point.
 

Mr.notduck

Well-Known Member
#14
Wow sounds like a deep relationship can I ask why you decided to split? X
She got on antidepressants and it killed her sex drive. We had sex like 6 times in the last 2 years. I foolishly thought it was my fault so i kept trying to spice things up and be fun and work on it. For our anniversary I only asked her that for once she come on to me. Then her grandfather died and while she was away her prius caught the house on fire with me sleeping in it... when we got into temporary housing i was having issues dealing with the trauma and told her that i needed her there for me. We had a huge discussion about sex and she promised that she would talk to her doc about the meds. A couple days later I made a move and she basically said fine pulled down her pants, wouldn't make eye contact or let me touch her other parts. I pretended to make it there. Then went in the bathroom and cried. After i joinded some discord erotic role playing groups because it was obvious that she wasn't going to be there for me intimately like that, which is fine. I didn't realize how it was emotional infidelity. I didn't hide it on my computer or anything. She found it and called me horrible and disgusting and that we are breaking up.she left her ring on my desk and has been locked in the bedroom for 3 days.
 
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Mymindsmine

Well-Known Member
#15
Wow I expect it’s cause she feels like she is broken and can’t provide what you want and there hopes you’d be ok with it. When reality is men need it chemically and physically where as women don’t . Seems like she feels that cause she broken you moved on to something else and that’s made her feel shit and even more broken. It’s a hard one and I feel for you both to me it doesn’t seem like it’s cause of you but purely that her body doesn’t have the same feelings and it’s numb and therefore can’t give you what you desire . Seems like she feels it’s easier to be on her own than to feel the pressure of not being able to give you what you need or desire. And that’s a tough one. Have you thought about counselling to air both your feelings 9 years is a long time and maybe she just needs you or wants you to connect to her in another way and then maybe those feelings will grow to want to be physical. It’s so hard I used to be the same as her on my meds and it only took me to drink to feel like I could even have sex but then that made my partner feel like I had to be pissed to have sex and made it worse so I do get her but I also get how you feel and how unloved you feel and need that physical act to feel loved and valued. Being online has just made her feel super shit and broken so maybe find a way to show her that’s not what you want or need and other ways to connect that might lead to her feeling relaxed and sexy xxxx just a thought how about you try watching something together a movie not porn but something that makes her feel something inside .....
 

Paisley

* * *
SF Artist
SF Supporter
#16
Sorry all of this has happened. If I were in your shoes I would probably try to continue on with your other plans as best as possible, since maybe taking steps like attending this cybersecurity course might help raise your self confidence, hopefully giving you some purpose outside of being in a relationship.

For what it's worth, I know what it's like to always be the one initiating sex, and it really does eat at your self esteem. Which is why I'm suggesting other ways you might go about building up confidence. But I do understand if you're in too much pain to do so right now, or if you feel self improvement won't fill that void.

Wishing you the best.
 

Mr.notduck

Well-Known Member
#17
Wow I expect it’s cause she feels like she is broken and can’t provide what you want and there hopes you’d be ok with it. When reality is men need it chemically and physically where as women don’t . Seems like she feels that cause she broken you moved on to something else and that’s made her feel shit and even more broken. It’s a hard one and I feel for you both to me it doesn’t seem like it’s cause of you but purely that her body doesn’t have the same feelings and it’s numb and therefore can’t give you what you desire . Seems like she feels it’s easier to be on her own than to feel the pressure of not being able to give you what you need or desire. And that’s a tough one. Have you thought about counselling to air both your feelings 9 years is a long time and maybe she just needs you or wants you to connect to her in another way and then maybe those feelings will grow to want to be physical. It’s so hard I used to be the same as her on my meds and it only took me to drink to feel like I could even have sex but then that made my partner feel like I had to be pissed to have sex and made it worse so I do get her but I also get how you feel and how unloved you feel and need that physical act to feel loved and valued. Being online has just made her feel super shit and broken so maybe find a way to show her that’s not what you want or need and other ways to connect that might lead to her feeling relaxed and sexy xxxx just a thought how about you try watching something together a movie not porn but something that makes her feel something inside .....
I tried to talk to her and she just says its all my fault. That i went somewhere else for things I wasn't getting in the relationship. That because I stepped out she will likely never trust me or forgive me. I tried to explain that i just needed some connection. I did it for 4 days and honestly didn't like it. I was deleting that discord that night. She says that she doesn't know if she can be intimate with me for a long time even if we worked it out and i don't know if i can deal with that. She deleted my video games off my computer and thats the only way i have social interactions. Im having some major suicidal thoughts and I had to sh to not take my own life the night this all happened. She finally responded that she would do counciling on Thursday with me. But i just cant go back to feeling unwanted for that long again. But i love her so much and don't want to be with anyone else. And the voices in my head are just screaming that im worthless and should just get it over with.
 

Mymindsmine

Well-Known Member
#18
That’s amazing that she wants to do that wow .. she obviously wants to get help that’s such a major step on her part . She just had anger that she wants enough for you and feels broken inside . Please don’t hang your state of mind on her or what she gives you . Inside know your a good person and just both need to find a balance with each other. She feels broken you feel unloved and undervalued and maybe when you go counselling you can both feel a deeper connection beyond the physical but an understanding of what you both need. She is hurting and clearly is fighting out . Your not worthless she clearly wants to make it work or she would agree to Thursday. Please be kind to yourself and it takes time . 9 years building won’t take 5 seconds to rebuild . She clearly wants to want you which is why she is fighting out against the computer cause maybe she feels it takes your attention when she wants it . Have patience my friend Rome wasn’t build in a day and if you can least see Thursday through I’d love to hear how it goes . Keep talking we are here for you xx
 

Mr.notduck

Well-Known Member
#19
That’s amazing that she wants to do that wow .. she obviously wants to get help that’s such a major step on her part . She just had anger that she wants enough for you and feels broken inside . Please don’t hang your state of mind on her or what she gives you . Inside know your a good person and just both need to find a balance with each other. She feels broken you feel unloved and undervalued and maybe when you go counselling you can both feel a deeper connection beyond the physical but an understanding of what you both need. She is hurting and clearly is fighting out . Your not worthless she clearly wants to make it work or she would agree to Thursday. Please be kind to yourself and it takes time . 9 years building won’t take 5 seconds to rebuild . She clearly wants to want you which is why she is fighting out against the computer cause maybe she feels it takes your attention when she wants it . Have patience my friend Rome wasn’t build in a day and if you can least see Thursday through I’d love to hear how it goes . Keep talking we are here for you
She doesn't know about the self harm or suicide. I don't want to put that on her and trap her with my mental illness. I want to know she is staying because she wants to not because she doesn't want me to kill myself. When she leaves its going to be really hard to not end it all. I just cant see putting myself back together alone. I already have a crushing pressure in my chest, like the middle of a panic attack. All the time I feel numb and completely raw in pain. It feels like i am 1000 miles away and being crushed under my feet. Any time i think about her i have a crushing panic attack cry then cant stop shaking. Im crying in between every one of my calls today. The worst part is one of my customers specifically called into my boss to tell him what a great experience they had with me today. Great listener and patient, best AAA experience that they've ever had. Strangers even think i should be crushingly depressed. I haven't had that happen in 9 months.
 

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