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I don't know how to do this...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by 2Blue, Aug 24, 2010.

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  1. 2Blue

    2Blue New Member

    I am not sure what to do. Can anyone offer some advice? Maybe some coping strategies, ideas, anything. I feel I am really at the end of my rope right now. I can't even believe I am doing this, but I don't know where else to turn. I have been trying so hard for so long to just grit my teeth and push on through, but I just can't anymore. It doesn't seem to make any difference anyway. Horrible things keep happening and I am just so exhausted and scared and stuck. My life 2 years ago was great. And then, one thing after another, it all just fell apart and there was nothing I could do to stop any of it. First my parents both got sick, then my mom died of cancer and my dad was placed in a nursing home due to dementia. He doesn't know who I am anymore. My marriage broke down and my spouse left me. I moved in to my own place and one week later I get laid-off from work. Absolutely everything has changed in my life in a matter of just a few months. I feel gutted and hurt and alone. I feel like I had everything and now I have nothing at all. I feel like a failure and I am so scared all the time. I don't trust anybody. I can't sleep at night, but I am too tired to drag myself out of bed in the morning. I miss my spouse so much, but I am so hurt and resentful because of what happened and I cannot trust them anymore. I am at a loss. I am trying to look for work, but I am so overwhelmed. I am at the point where I feel like just giving up. I miss my family. I want my old life back. When I do sleep, I often dream that all the bad stuff was just a bad dream and everything is back to normal and I feel so relieved and grateful, but then I wake up to my reality and it feels so awful to realize that my nightmare is actually my day to day life. These moments are the worst and I end up wishing I just wouldn't wake up at all. Every day, I say to myself, come on - just one more day - you can do it. So I do. I breath in and out and put one foot in front of the other and do the best I can. But, surely to God, we are not meant to carry this much pain in our hearts, are we? It seems inhuman. Impossible. I feel I could burst at the seams. I know the past is gone and I have to let things go, but I just can't seem to get my bearings - it is just too much. I am sorry to sound so negative, I am just wondering if anybody has any ideas or suggestions of what I can do to help myself feel better? I feel so close to giving up.
    Thanks for reading.
  2. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    Welcome to the forum 2blue but I'm sorry you have reason to be here..
    You have a lot to deal with, no wonder you feel like giving up....
    But don't give up yet...

    I'm sorry for the loss of your Mum ......you would still be grieving for her and also grieving the loss of your Dad even though he's still alive ....grieving the loss of your marriage and the loss of your job.....
    I wonder if you might need some counseling for all that grief and loss?
    also talk to your doctor if you feel suicidal....

    Every day, I say to myself, come on - just one more day - you can do it. So I do. I breath in and out and put one foot in front of the other and do the best I can.
    this is good...keep doing that....things can get better....

    i hope you can keep reaching out for help and we can offer some support ....
  3. rx4brdm

    rx4brdm Well-Known Member

    Welcome to SF.

    I agree, that is a lot to take on in that short a period of time and sorry to hear you have to go through that.

    The biggest and best step you can make now is counseling. Grievance counselors and maybe you can get your husband to go with you to some therapy too. Maybe make him aware of the pain that you are dealing with. I would have to imagine if there is still love present, he will help. It will probably be just one step at a time. Take it slow.

    Keep making those steps. Keep communicating with us. Please, don't give up.
  4. Aquarius123

    Aquarius123 Well-Known Member

    How about asking the Universe for help?

    Dear 2Blue - Welcome in our midst. Our lives move in cycles of approx. two and a half years. At the end of each one of them, new experiences are drawn into our lives, so that we may be stretched some more, to help us grow and eventually begin to reach beyond ourselves and the end of our noses.

    Reading your sad tale - my commiserations! - the one thing that came to my mind straight away was: have you ever tried to ask the Universe for Its help? We are all the same - and that includes me - whenever difficult obstacles get into our way, we hate them like poison. Although frequently the experiences they bring are not at all what we want, rest assured that we are getting exactly what we need and that we are being treated with utter fairness. Times of strife and struggle teach the human soul some of its most valuable lessons that help its consciousness to grow and expand. Alas, for as long as we remain unaware of our relationship with God, things frequently have to get to a desperate state before we finally go down on our knees. Why do we leave it so long before we reach out for the helping hand of our Highest Self and start to pray that help of some kind, any kind, may come to us?

    Then a priestess said: ‘Speak to us of prayer!’
    And he replied: ‘You pray in your distress and in your need;
    Would that you might pray also in the fullness of your
    Joy and in your days of abundance.
    What is prayer but the expansion of yourself into the living ethers?
    And if you receive comfort through pouring your darkness
    And negativity into space, at least make an effort at creating balance
    By also sharing your delights and joys with the Universe.
    And don’t forget to give thanks for all that Earth life itself,
    Who is your kind and loving teacher,
    Brings to you all your experiences to help learn and grow
    Ever more heaven-tall.

    For as long as you are still asleep to your true nature
    And can do nothing but weep and complain,
    Instead of giving thanks and praise to your Creator,
    Whenever your soul summons you to prayer,
    Shed your tears and be comforted by God and the Angels
    Who bring you healing through them, as they draw closer to you.
    When you learn to surrender all your troubles and woes
    To your Highest or God Self,
    You the small earthly self, together with your soul,
    Will soon be smiling again.

    When you go within to communicate with your soul
    And pray, you are rising to meet in the ethers those
    Who – like you – are praying at that very moment
    And whom, save in prayer, you would otherwise
    Never be able to contact or meet.
    In the long course of your evolution and in the fullness of time,
    May each of your visits to your inner temple of the soul
    Be for naught but spiritual ecstasy and sweet communion with God.
    Take care though that when you go there,
    You do not make demands on God.
    Isn’t it enough that you allowed to enter the temple
    And just be there for a while,
    To be recharged with the loving energies of God?

    Nobody can teach you how to pray in words.
    God listens not to your words, save when He Himself
    Utters them through your lips.
    And because you must all learn from your own experiences,
    Nobody can teach you the prayers of the oceans,
    The forests and the mountains, except those who were born
    Of these places; they know such prayers in their hearts.

    And if you but listen in the stillness of the night,
    You can hear their silent pleas:
    ‘Our God, who art our winged self,
    It is Thy will in us that willeth;
    It is Thy desire in us that desireth;
    It is Thy urge in us that turns our nights, which are Thine,
    Into days, which are also Thine.
    We cannot ask Thee for aught, for Thou already knowest
    Everybody’s needs before they are born,
    For each soul is born of Thy desires.
    Thou art our need; and in giving us more of Thyself,
    Thou givest us all.’

    From ‘The Prophet’ by Kahlil Gibran 1883-1931
    Lebanese/American poet
    Edited by Aquarius


    With love and light,
  5. Tome811

    Tome811 Member

    I had close to the same happen to me 4 years ago. My whole world was my Mother. I never knew I could be so alone until I lost her. My father, who never wished to be a father and lived in another part of the state with his wife of over 30 years, died 30 days after my Mother. I was unemployed after almost 12 years with a company and had to go through trying to find work with all this in my head. Then, 35 days after my father was gone too, my little girl bird, who was the only source of feeling like someone in this world really did love me other than my Mother, died.

    I went from job to job, not finding anywhere I could "fit in" or even earn enough to cover the monthly bills. Working weekends/holidays/overtime was welcome as there was nothing to come home to anymore except my little boy bird. But, workplaces don't care about what you need or want. Only what they can milk you for.

    I've had many dreams about life and wake every day only to have to just waste each day away. I stand in the middle of a room crying loudly about how I want my life back. Now, it's just an existence. No meaning to anything anymore.

    If I could have the means to go on each day, I think it would be helpful to try to go on in life. I think about how I would like to go do some companion type volunteer work. To just be able to play cards or such with some seniors. I see many people that remind me of my Mother and it hurts so very bad. I feel that if I could be a friend that it would help me.

    If you could try to find a friend in some place, it might help you to deal with the feeling of having lost so much.
  6. 2Blue

    2Blue New Member

    Thank you all for your comments, feedback and support.
    I have been thinking about maybe seeing a therapist. I think I will give that a try.
    I pray and meditate every day - have been since way before any of this happened. It does help, for a while. Daytime is always easier than at night for some reason. I have been struggling with insomnia. My sleep patterns are realy messed up and I cannot seem to get them regulated. Does anyone have any suggestions for how to get back to regular sleep cycles?
    My ex would never help me - somebody new moved in with my ex within a week of me leaving. We all have our ways to cope, I guess. Even though I was moving out, it still hurt me that I could be so quickly and easily replaced. I can't imagine ever being able to trust anyone ever again.
    Thank you for taking the time to read and reply to my post - it means alot.
    Take care
  7. Aquarius123

    Aquarius123 Well-Known Member

    Keep on asking for God and the Angels to show you the way forward. With their help, learn to trust yourself. First and foremost, learn to love and appreciate yourself as the precious and unique being, which in truth you are - so is everybody else. Get to know yourself and your predestined pathway through life in the Great plan of life, in whom we all have our allocated space. Best foot forward and one small step at a time, forge forward and never give up.

    When things go wrong, as they sometimes will;
    When the road you’re trudging seems all uphill;
    When funds are low and debts are high;
    And you want to smile, but have to sigh;
    When care is pressing you down more than a bit,
    Rest, if you must, but don’t ever quit.

    Life can be queer with its twists and turns,
    As every one of us sometimes learns.
    But many a failure can turn about,
    And we could be winning, if only we stick things out.
    Don’t give up, even if the pace appears to be slow.
    You may succeed, with just one more blow!

    Success is failure turned inside out;
    It’s the silver tint on the clouds of doubt.
    And you never can tell how close to it you are,
    It could be near, when it still seems very far!
    So, stick to the fight when you’re hardest hit.
    And when things seem at their worst.
    That’s the time when it’s most unwise to quit.


    The way I see it, when things sometimes seemingly go wrong in our lives, it is always us who are out of step with the Universe and not the other way round. It is then more than likely that the energies that it is currently putting at our disposal wish to tell a different story and are trying to steer us into a different direction. If one seems to run into one invisible wall after another, when obstacle after obstacle rears its head, it is a safe bet that the Universe is attempting to give us a message that somehow we are barking up the wrong tree; and it may well be the case that it has something much better up its sleeve for us, if we but pay attention.

    The world around us is always a mirror of what is taking place within us. Through its actions and reactions it is constantly trying to give us some kind of guidance. Therefore, it is always worth our while to pay attention to what is after all Universal guidance. When things are not going the way we would want them to, the time may have come for taking stock and for finding ways of getting back into harmony with ourselves and the lessons we have come to learn during this lifetime. To help us re-align our energies to those of the Universe, the time for making a change of direction in our lives may have come.

    It almost goes without saying, but I will mention it anyway that because we have freedom of choice, we do not have to do anything of the kind. Yet, if you are a wise one, you will pay attention to whatever guidance comes your way. So, next time things seemingly go wrong in your life, why not try your hand at something else and look towards channelling your energies into different avenues of expression?

    You can save yourself many disappointments by bearing in mind that doors will only ever open for anyone when they are meant to. And when one of them does, the experience can be like something one usually sees only in funny films. Having so got used to pushing and shoving uselessly at far too many doors, there may well come the moment, when – metaphorically speaking – we have found the right one. It then flies open so suddenly that it feels as if one was almost shooting out through the window, at the other end of the room. Why not try it out for yourself, sometime?

    True trust and faith in ourselves, our life and the Universe can only grow in anyone through first hand experiences, like the one that is now before us. To enable us to learn to trust, when we try one door and it will not open for us, no matter how hard we try, when things seem to be going wrong, as they sometimes will, it is worth our while to reflect and have a bit of a dialogue with ourselves; something like this: ‘Let me see, this door is obviously not meant for me, maybe the Universe has something else for me in mind. So, I’ll be patient and wait for another opening, for come it will. Are things really going wrong in my life or is the Universe trying to give me a message that I need a change of direction?

    ‘Could this be happening for my own good and because the Universe loves me and knows my true wants and needs better than I do? Could it be protecting me against myself, because it wants me to find what is rightfully mine? Is it possible that something better is in store for me, something I might not have imagined even in my wildest dreams? Perhaps it would be better if I waited patiently for a while; maybe another chance will then come my way. Now, isn’t that better than despairing or even swearing at the Universe because it does not seem to wish to fulfil my wishes? Because I am your child, Universe, let me try the loving way instead. Alright, here I go! I love you and trust you, as you love and trust me. After all, that makes an awful lot of sense, you know!’

    And when funds are low and debts are high, I need to ask myself: ‘Why am I not taking part in the Universe’s abundance? Is it because I am not sharing my own abundance with it, my gifts and talents, of which we all have many, with those around me? How can I increase my input into life, so that I can get more out of it? Do I need to be less selfish and think more about the good of the whole of society, life, the planet and the Universe? Why don’t I try and see what happens?’


    With love and light,
  8. Tome811

    Tome811 Member

    I have been struggling with insomnia. My sleep patterns are realy messed up and I cannot seem to get them regulated. Does anyone have any suggestions for how to get back to regular sleep cycles?

    Wal-Mart's Equate brand sleep aid pills always helped me when I was having difficulty sleeping before a work shift. Not much of a "medicine head" the day after.
  9. Morbituarty

    Morbituarty Well-Known Member

    I don't have regular sleep patterns too,mainly because I don't work and nothing to do if I wake up early,everyday I go to sleep at 3am and wake up at 3pm,I've had this bad habbit for over 2 years now,there's no reason to wake up early.
  10. Kaganovich

    Kaganovich Active Member

    No offence intended, and just an opinion, but not everyone finds strength through God and angels etc. That whole line just opens more questions than it does answers (for me at least).
    I believe that individulals need indevidualised support and not a broad sweep from an old book pertaining to mankind in general.
  11. ThinkingCap

    ThinkingCap Well-Known Member

    From the way you write, it sounds like there's a lot of hope still left in you. Either that, or you're afraid to write out your feelings exactly how they are. Have you sat down and expressed your pain yet? Or has it been too scary? In such a short time your world was emptied and flipped upside down, and it's normal to be afraid, to fear waking up in the morning. A therapist would be the absolute best thing right now, and once your emotions get sorted out, your sleep schedule will iron out as well I'm sure. I was like that for a long time, didn't go to sleep one night so that I could conk out the next. It was so that I didn't have to be in reality at all, I could drift on by. It was an effective coping mechanism, but it can't be done for too long or else you end up in a place darker than you could ever have imagined.

    Take a moment right now, if you could, and write out what you're thinking. No reservations, no second-guessing, just what you're thinking. The whole "one foot in front of the other" is a defense mechanism to keep you from thinking about the reality you're in. It takes the place of my forced sleep-deprivation, you see? You're staring so hard at the ground that you got lost temporarily, but all you have to do is raise your head, and take a look around. Do you have any friends that have been around through this? Maybe some people you don't know too well, but could get to know? A part of moving forward is rebuilding a sense of life, a sense of continuity. Have you been able to get a solid job? I don't mean to pry at all, and if you don't want to answer that's okay, but are you in a secure place financially? With a roof and food?

    After social, financial, and emotional needs is what I believe to be the most important of all that I'm afraid you might have lost in the maelstrom; sense of self. I understand that you are not an atheist, and that you rely on your God for support-- fantastic, continue doing so if it helps. But God cannot be your only support. Think about it this way; when someone is hanging off of a ledge, and another comes to help them, they aren't going to get anywhere if the person hanging off doesn't do anything to help themselves up. God, and your support systems, are the ones trying to pull you up, but you have to work with them to get up and over. A part of that is believing that you can, and if you'd take my word for it, I am completely confident that you can and will succeed. There is a lot of pain in your life, but alongside that is joy and happiness in the memories that you have of your parents. Remember them, but don't dwell on them. We're all temporary, and the best thing you can do to honor them is to continue being you-- the person that they worked to create. Be the best person you can be, and do them proud, because all it takes is for you to look up and see the roads ahead of you.

    Continue working, continue moving forward, but realize that a part of that process (especially at such a difficult time as this) is to stop and repair yourself. Wounds, physical and mental, take time to heal and you just need to give it that time. Again, therapy would be instrumental to this process. Do what you can, and if they aren't helping, leave. You are what is most important right now, don't forget that. Until you're on your feet that's what you need to focus on. I know you can do this, and somewhere in there, so do you. Just have to become reacquainted with that part of yourself.

  12. Aquarius123

    Aquarius123 Well-Known Member

    I wasn't thinking of words from an old book that pertains to humankind in general, but of searching for a new understanding and definition of the meaning of God and the purpose and meaning of our earthly existence.


    With love - Aquarius​
  13. mcviking

    mcviking Well-Known Member

    I know this is going to sound lame but my be4st defense that I found for my miserable existence is death metal and my bicycle. You need to find a release for you pain, your anger, your frustration. You probably want someone or something to suffer for all the pain you are going through. For me, I release my pain in my bicycle. Just pedal faster and faster, even if it hurts. I do this twice a day and sometimes as needed. I used to rely on alcohol or drugs to make me feel better. I wound binge (insert habit). Now I binge on my bicycle. Nothing like blasting Cannibal Corpse and pedaling full speed at 2am on a cool night.

    Perhaps bicycles and aggressive music aren't your thing, but finding your own bicycle and death metal will give you the release you crave.
  14. 2Blue

    2Blue New Member

    ThinkingCap - thanks very much for your reply. It certainly has given me much to think about. I am not religious, actually. I think you are right on the money when you say "You're staring so hard at the ground that you got lost temporarily, but all you have to do is raise your head, and take a look around." That really hit home. I feel that somwhere along the way, I shrunk into myself and huddled in an emotional ball and just stayed there in order to try and protect myself from all the blows coming my way. I haven't really relaxed and opened up from that yet. I have made an appontment to begin therapy - I agree it is the best thing for me right now. Thanks so much for your insight and feedback. It has been extremely helpful and grounding. I really appreciate it :)
  15. ThinkingCap

    ThinkingCap Well-Known Member

    Thanks for that, it really makes me happy to know that you're finding a better place. Anytime you want to talk or anything like that, feel free to pm me. Or don't! Whatever helps you the most. Best of luck!

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