I don't know how to get help and I feel like I'm drowning.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by kim24, Mar 26, 2013.

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  1. kim24

    kim24 New Member

    I've had depression before the worst bouts were in high school, when I was about 16, when I would wish I would die in my sleep, and then a period in college. I'm nearly 25 now. I've been seriously depressed for about a month now. I saw my GP a month ago, was screened only fo anxiety and given bupspar and klonopin. only the klonopin has made any difference. Lately I've been feeling just hollow and like all my emotions have been turned off except the pain. It's unbearable. My mom had noticed that I'd never been this dispondant before. I tried telling her what's been going on. and I guess she thought I was just normal-depressed. today I told her that I am suicidal. and I feel like it just made things worse. now she's upset, and barely talking to me. My grandfather is in the hospital for the fourth time in two to three months. It's pretty clear he's fighting a losing battle. My grandmother is in denial about everything.
    I have no close friends anymore, about two months my old best friend made it clear she didn't value me as a friend and is pretty much a back-stabber.
    I've been seeing a new therapist, tomorrow is the third time I'll be seeing her and I don't even think I have it in me to drive there. no one else would be able to drive me and there isn't reliable public transit in our area.
    I guess I should explain how I told my mom. I had an appointment with my GP today, about how my anxiety and depression have been worsening. She wanted to put my on various anti-psychotics that I had reactly badly to before. On my file it says mood disorder and she said "Well, you have bipolar". I got very upset internally and tried to explain that the last several therapists have said I'm NOT bipolar, and that I have depression and an anxiety disorder. because the GP believes I have bipolar she prescribed an antipsychotic that I can't even afford because it's so expensive and I don't have insurance. the whole thing made me feel so much worse. I had started out with a good day, working on job applications and studying. So I wasted my money on a doctor's appointment that made me feel far, far more suicidal than I had in a week. and got nothing out of it. I don't know what to do. I feel like I a failure career-wise because I can't get a job in my field, and I've applied to any jobs out there to just pay the bills and I'm not even getting interviews. in person, I'm very charasmatic and job interviews generally go very well. I feel like a failure because my car had to be sold to pay bills. Because my college education just put me in more debt that I'll likely ever earn. I can't afford to do any of things that make me happy. I used to have really good coping mechanisms but none of them are working anymore. not for more than like 5 minutes. I just can't do this anymore. I can't stand feeling like a failure that no one loves. and by telling my mom I just ending up being more of a burden. I just want help, I want someone to listen to me and make me feel like I'm crazy or a burden or just doing this for attention. I don't know how to handle my therapist appointment tomorrow because I really can't afford it and if I tell her that I am suicidal or that the suicidal ideations are getting serious she's probably going to suggest I get hospitalized. My mom had threatened to have me commited before. It's all just making things worse than where I started. I feel like I'm drowning. I've been crying so hard that I sometimes end up vomiting, tmi, sorry.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi hun your gp hun is not listening to you you need to look for a different one that does listen You need a specialist hun go to emergency room tell them how depressed you are and suicdal you are ask to see oncall psychiatrist ok. ask to be hospitalized as you do not feel safe and need help to stabilize hugs
  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    You are not a failure...you are going through a very difficult time...if the medical problem was cardiac, would you be a failure??? I hope you see that you are so brave for getting treatment...please be as honest as you can and speak to your GP about what medications are working and those are not...and yes, as TE said, please get immediate attention if you need it
  4. kim24

    kim24 New Member

    thanks. I think I may see about changing doctor's. I did try speaking about what specifically I had problems with the other medications, and called the office back when I found out it'd be $200 for the Rx, the nurse had said they'd try and send a new Rx to the pharmacy, but that didn't happen. my community has pretty terrible mental health help, so I'm terrified of hospitialization, and there's no crisis center type place. still debating about my therapist appointment. I don't want my honesty to get me commited.
  5. Theodora

    Theodora Well-Known Member

    I hope you find a GP you are happy with. Seeing mine involves a journey of up to two hours by public transport. I prefer to do this to ensure I have a GP who always listens to me and whom I trust. If your local provision is terrible there is all the more need for you to find adequate support.
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