I've had depression before the worst bouts were in high school, when I was about 16, when I would wish I would die in my sleep, and then a period in college. I'm nearly 25 now. I've been seriously depressed for about a month now. I saw my GP a month ago, was screened only fo anxiety and given bupspar and klonopin. only the klonopin has made any difference. Lately I've been feeling just hollow and like all my emotions have been turned off except the pain. It's unbearable. My mom had noticed that I'd never been this dispondant before. I tried telling her what's been going on. and I guess she thought I was just normal-depressed. today I told her that I am suicidal. and I feel like it just made things worse. now she's upset, and barely talking to me. My grandfather is in the hospital for the fourth time in two to three months. It's pretty clear he's fighting a losing battle. My grandmother is in denial about everything. I have no close friends anymore, about two months my old best friend made it clear she didn't value me as a friend and is pretty much a back-stabber. I've been seeing a new therapist, tomorrow is the third time I'll be seeing her and I don't even think I have it in me to drive there. no one else would be able to drive me and there isn't reliable public transit in our area. I guess I should explain how I told my mom. I had an appointment with my GP today, about how my anxiety and depression have been worsening. She wanted to put my on various anti-psychotics that I had reactly badly to before. On my file it says mood disorder and she said "Well, you have bipolar". I got very upset internally and tried to explain that the last several therapists have said I'm NOT bipolar, and that I have depression and an anxiety disorder. because the GP believes I have bipolar she prescribed an antipsychotic that I can't even afford because it's so expensive and I don't have insurance. the whole thing made me feel so much worse. I had started out with a good day, working on job applications and studying. So I wasted my money on a doctor's appointment that made me feel far, far more suicidal than I had in a week. and got nothing out of it. I don't know what to do. I feel like I a failure career-wise because I can't get a job in my field, and I've applied to any jobs out there to just pay the bills and I'm not even getting interviews. in person, I'm very charasmatic and job interviews generally go very well. I feel like a failure because my car had to be sold to pay bills. Because my college education just put me in more debt that I'll likely ever earn. I can't afford to do any of things that make me happy. I used to have really good coping mechanisms but none of them are working anymore. not for more than like 5 minutes. I just can't do this anymore. I can't stand feeling like a failure that no one loves. and by telling my mom I just ending up being more of a burden. I just want help, I want someone to listen to me and make me feel like I'm crazy or a burden or just doing this for attention. I don't know how to handle my therapist appointment tomorrow because I really can't afford it and if I tell her that I am suicidal or that the suicidal ideations are getting serious she's probably going to suggest I get hospitalized. My mom had threatened to have me commited before. It's all just making things worse than where I started. I feel like I'm drowning. I've been crying so hard that I sometimes end up vomiting, tmi, sorry.