• Please read the thread in Forum News and Announcements pertaining to race related discussion on SF - thank you :)

i don't know how to help him.

#1
i have a best friend. we're something more than just friends but less than more but that's not really important. just like me, he's got his own history with depression, anxiety, and past abuse. but for the abuse part, he's got it worse than me. he had a rough childhood, where his parents were clearly too young and not ready to have kids when they had him. that resulted in him experiencing both verbal and physical abuse growing up. in middle school it got worse. we were schoolmates back then, but we never talked to each other in the three whole years we went there. you could say that we were in starkly different circles though we knew each other's names. we'd started talking after graduating high school (more than 2 years ago) under funny circumstances and have gotten really close since then.

he'd never told anyone this, but he was bullied in middle school. only his parents knew, and that was because his mother once found him walking home barefoot after some bullies hide his shoe and left him with half a pair. the bullying was both physical and verbal, and this went on for two years. not even his best mate of 7 years knows about this.

due to his past growing up and a few experiences with getting stabbed in the back plus being left behind without any explanation by people close to him, he's developed a severe trust issue. added by his anxiety, he would assume the worst out of people, creates scenarios in which he gets betrayed/hurt by the few people he kept close, and then he'd form backup plans in case those scenarios happen in the future. i've got trust issues too, but not as severe as him.

he's built layers of walls around him and im the only person he's allowed the furthest. his boys stand a few walls behind where i am. he doesn't know why he decided to trust me, and this scares him a lot. he had tried to push me away multiple times but i wouldn't budge. he doesn't really want me to go away, but he's scared. god knows what's going to happen to him if i ever leave him behind. i don't think he's gonna let anyone in ever again. he's scared of losing me, and he's got low self esteem to begin with. so he would always apologize for things that weren't his fault/situations where he knows he's not in fault but apologize anyway. because he doesn't want to 'create' reasons for me to leave. he would talk himself down and say things like how he's not a good person or how he's an asshole when he's never cursed at me, raise his voice at me, or any traits that might be classified as toxic/harmful. he would tell me that he doesn't know why im still with him, he doesn't get why i gave him a place to stay, that he doesn't deserve the love i give him.

i know why he's like this, but that doesn't mean i like seeing him like this. i can't promise him that i'll always be here with him because promises hurt when they're broken. i can't do that to him. i dont know how to help him beside telling him reassuring things and be there for him. what should i do?
 
#2
I'm glad that you're trying to support your friend, but I'm sorry that it's such a struggle.

You could encourage him to join SF. Is he getting any form of treatment, or is treatment an option for him?

If he won't or can't get professional help, there are some self-treatment options. The links in my signature have information about treatment/self-treatment options.

I hope something can help.
 
#3
I'm glad that you're trying to support your friend, but I'm sorry that it's such a struggle.

You could encourage him to join SF. Is he getting any form of treatment, or is treatment an option for him?

If he won't or can't get professional help, there are some self-treatment options. The links in my signature have information about treatment/self-treatment options.

I hope something can help.
i'm not sure if i can encourage him to join SF, as he may not feel comfortable sharing things about his life to strangers on internet (even though he'd be absolutely anonymous if he were to do so). he's got this extreme fear of being weak/people knowing his weaknesses so getting him to join SF isn't really an option. he's not getting any treatment as of now, though i've been telling him that he should seek a professional help because i can't be much help as i'm not a licensed therapist or something. he'd be avoidant of the topic if i brought this up, though. i'm gonna have to try encouraging him to seek help more in the future.
 
#4
i'm not sure if i can encourage him to join SF
Do you think he could join and just kind of lurk, or participate on some level without telling his own story?

Maybe just reading what other people have to say may be helpful to him.

A member here has recommended The Feeling Good Handbook by Dr. David Burns, a book about CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy). Maybe that book or another book about CBT could be helpful to him.
 

Please Donate to Help Keep SF Running

Total amount
$10.00
Goal
$255.00
Top