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I dont know how to help my girlfriend

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by cruelworld, Jan 1, 2018.

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  1. cruelworld

    cruelworld Mr. Nobody

    So in short, my girlfriend has been taken advantage of physically in her past during her childhood. At the moment there's thing getting on my nerves and i have no idea what to do. I feel so helpless and angry. She has an uncle who made sexual attempts towards her when she was like 12. He always has an eye on her. Everytime he comes to her home he'll either stare at her continuously or try to get close. Just today he tried to grope her. When she told me about this i had this gush of anger inside of me. She wont tell anyone because no one would believe her. Her family does not treat her like a part of them. She's adopted. I really want to do something about this. Any good advice would be really appreciated. Thank you so much... :(
    Brian777 likes this.
  2. Brian777

    Brian777 Safety and Support SF Artist SF Supporter

    Hi there, I’m sorry to hear what is happening with your GF, this sort of thing appears to be getting more prevalent these days or maybe we just didn’t hear about it in the past.
    As for what to do to help her, I believe you are cause she’s opening up to you and telling you what’s happening. But I believe she needs to bring this up to the authorities herself and I’m sure she’s very afraid. Does she maybe have a counsellor at school/College, they would be able to guide her in what helps available where she lives.
    cruelworld likes this.
  3. cruelworld

    cruelworld Mr. Nobody

    Hey Brian thank yiu so much for repying! Ive tried to convince her to talk to someone but she just wont do it. She doesn't want anyone to know. Im thinking i should get close to her parents and see for myself what the situation really is like. Then maybe try to talk to then about it.
  4. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    Sorry to hear that this is happening.

    www.hotpeachpages.net might be worth checking out. They have a world-wide directory of domestic violence and abuse resources. There might a resource there that could help.

    It might help on some level if she tells her family, though it sounds like she wouldn't want to do that, and they wouldn't necessarily do anything. Even saying something to them like "Uncle [x] is a creep, I don't want to be anywhere near him" without making specific accusations might help.

    Even if her family isn't really going to do anything, getting them to drop any of the "Oh look, Uncle [x] has come to visit, let's all spend some time together" crap, or at least refusing to participate in it is still possible.

    She doesn't have much control over what her family does, or what the creep does. She does have control over what she does though. One thing to do is to leave her home when he is around or she expects him to be around. Like going to a library, a restaurant, or even just getting on public transportation for a while even if she has no particular destination.

    If she can't leave her home, she could try getting behind a locked door or some other place that he can't access.

    If she's in a situation where she can't get away, and he's staring at her, looking him in the eye and saying "Stop staring at me you creep!" might help. There's no guarantee that confrontation would produce good results, but it might make her feel a little less helpless if she pushes back against his advances.

    Carrying pepper spray, or some other legal weapon is another option. There's also some anti-rape self-defense courses out there.

    Getting away from her whole home environment sounds like the best option, but I don't know if that is something which is available to her. If there is a trustworthy relative she could stay with, that might be a good option.

    There's also the possibility of going to a school with dorms, or doing some form of work that has residency component.
    cruelworld likes this.
  5. cruelworld

    cruelworld Mr. Nobody

    That was really helpful! Thank you so much! I really hope she doesn't have to deal with this for long. She cant leave her home to stay somehwere else. Hey parents wont allow that and if she goes agaisnt their will they'll never take her home again. I hope she decides to tell her parents about this. Thank you again! x
  6. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    You're welcome! :) I'm glad it helped.

    Do you want to say how old she is, and how often and at what times her uncle is visiting?
  7. cruelworld

    cruelworld Mr. Nobody

    She's 18. And her uncle doesn't visit very often. Only on occassions and stuff. And she doesn't like him.
  8. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    Is he staying overnight or just during the day?
  9. cruelworld

    cruelworld Mr. Nobody

    During the day.
  10. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    They won't let her go to a library or anything when the creep visits? I hope she can talk them into her at least doing that.
    DrownedFishOnFire and cruelworld like this.
  11. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi there, I am sorry to hear of what is happening with your girlfriend. He has absolutely no right to even touch her. You can only encourage her to speak of what is happening because she is an adult and has to make these decisions for herself but just be there to support her and reach out when she needs your help and advice. It must be very distressing for her of course but it has to come from her I'm afraid. Would she allow you to speak with said uncle? That could help.

    Here for you anytime :)
    cruelworld likes this.
  12. cruelworld

    cruelworld Mr. Nobody

    They dont let her get of the house.
  13. Walker

    Walker Everything Zen Staff Member Safety & Support SF Social Media SF Supporter

    Sounds like your gf should stay in her room when her uncle is there if there's nowhere else to go. With the door locked! Or, alternately, be around someone all the time so he can't get near enough to her to actually touch her again.
    Fact is, there's nothing YOU can do about this. You pushing in on it might drive her away from telling YOU also, and you don't want that. Take a middle ground approach here and tread carefully. You don't have control over any of it - the uncle, your gf, stopping anything, the past, keeping her safe - so try to give her options and encourage her in ways to avoid contact during the times he shows up.
    Good luck to you both.
    cruelworld likes this.
  14. cruelworld

    cruelworld Mr. Nobody

    That sounds sensible. Thank you!
  15. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    Her relationship with her family definitely sounds abusive on many levels. Is there any chance that she can go to a school that has a residency program, or get school loans for living expenses? There may be some jobs that she could get that would allow her to live elsewhere. Just as an example, there are jobs where you provide care for someone who is elderly or disabled, in exchange for room and board and some money.
  16. cruelworld

    cruelworld Mr. Nobody

    Its an option i mean.. she has to get out of there yk.. i really appreciate her parents giving her a home and all and so does she, but what about everything else? The way they treat her. What kind of a life they've given to her. Ugh..
  17. girljoe

    girljoe New Member

    I'm so glad you've gotten some constructive ideas here but I didn't see anyone say anything about your anger. I understand why you are angry and you have every right to be. However, as your anger grows (and it will, that's the nature of anger) it will diminish your ability to help your girlfriend. Anger is destructive. Fear is also destructive and debilitating. Your girlfriend's fear will hold her in that situation as if she was physically in prison. Acknowledge your anger and make a conscious choice to let it go. Tell your girlfriend the same thing about her fear and then the two of you can work as a team to better her situation. There are lots of organizations that help victims of abuse escape their abusive situations. For example, many churches have outreach programs that can help her. I will pray about your girlfriend's situation and for your ability to help her.
    cruelworld likes this.
  18. cruelworld

    cruelworld Mr. Nobody

    Thank you so much girljoe :) thank you for noticing my point of view as well. It feels nice to have people like you around.
  19. girljoe

    girljoe New Member

    I have a teeny, tiny bit of experience with anger so I could hear you loud and clear. I'm glad I could be encouraging and I can testify that mastering anger is rough but possible.
    It is a cruel world, but it's also full of blessings large and small. Keep fighting the good fight!
    cruelworld likes this.
  20. Aprilflowers7

    Aprilflowers7 Well-Known Member

    She's 18 so she can try to get a job and move out on her own. Or, if she is able, maybe she can stay with one of her friends for awhile, or tell her parents she needs to go to the doctor and tell the doctor what happened to her. They can run tests. She doesn't even have to tell her parents why she needs to go to the doctor, she can tell a little white lie and just say she's sick and then tell the truth to the doctor and then tell the doctor not to tell her parents until she gets admitted to a hospital for further evaluation. That's what I would do.

    I had this one friend whose father died and the mother started thinking that my friend was her boyfriend so I told him to run away. He got a different family just people to live with until he could live on his own. I don't know how he ran away. You could also call the police and have them do a welfare check on her uncle if going to the doctor won't work. At least there would be a report.

    I was always afraid of telling people I had open heart surgery because I thought they would bully me. But I think she can get help before it gets worse.

    That's the only thing I can think of.
    cruelworld likes this.
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