I don't know how to make it through the day

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Yvette, Sep 13, 2014.

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  1. Yvette

    Yvette Active Member

    Over the past two weeks I am becoming increasingly suicidal, at first it was just the thought and the wish to die to get away from my problems, but now I feel I can actually do it. The only thing that is stopping me right now is the fact that I was offered a job once a week and I only started my first shift last week and I don't want to let them down, and I have someone who is relying on me to start retail work for their shop on 1st October and I also don't want to let them down. I only have one friend but she contacts me regularly by text message and we talk and meet up once in a while. I have not told her I want to die or all of the issues I'm experiencing, but I would feel bad just leaving this earth and her never knowing what happened to me. These are the barriers that go through my mind, but the desire to die is so strong. I am experiencing intrusive thoughts daily for more than 2 weeks, and this was after using a delta wave brainwave entrainment CD to help me sleep. It did help the sleep but I was left with these side effects of a racing jumbled confused mind, and random intrusive thoughts. No one has been able to help me with this, my GP doesn't understand or fully believe my story. No one understands the impact of trying to get through the day when your mind is playing tricks on you and trying to drive you insane. For the past couple weeks I've hardly left my bed. I can't be out there in the world, I can't tolerate other people, I don't hardly watch television anymore or movies, or read. I don't function anymore, I just exist.
     
  2. here890

    here890 New Member

    I know how you feel Yvette... for me a big part of it is no one knowing about how I actually feel and when I start to try to tell how I feel, like it's not taken seriously enough... like everything in my life is ok, so you'll just snap out of it too they say...

    coming on here and just writing this short message at least SOMEONE knows how I feel, and I hope just writing your post helped too. how did the shift go??? do you have another doctor you can go to?
     
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi Yvette good to see your reaching out here ok for support we do get it we understand how hard it is to struggle with those thoughts It would be good to get your doctor to really listen to you tell him you need an antidepressant ok or therapist to help you. Maybe not use the delta brainwave machine if it causes your mind to be confused try to get something else to help you to sleep something natural even like melatonin substance already in your body

    keep talking to us here we hear you we care hugs
     
  4. Yvette

    Yvette Active Member

    I'm glad someone understands a little about what I'm going through. My first work shift went ok, it is a volunteer job but it's in the area that I recently qualified as (a dietitian) so it's good work experience for me, that's why I don't want to screw up this experience as this is really my stepping stone onto hopefully better things. Unfortunately though since this deep depression and anxiety surfaced just in the last couple weeks and the side effects of that brainwave CD interfering with my ability to think normally, it is so hard to work and I wish I didn't have to engage with the world at all anymore. All I want to do is just stay in bed and never do anything again. I just need to take things day by day, I can't even make plans for tomorrow as I just feel that my life is so delicate and uncertain now. I hope to be able to see through my responsibilities and I desperately hope my mind can return back to at least what was 'normal' for me before I messed with my brainwaves by using that sleep CD. If I had known that this kind of thing is damaging for some people I would never have used it. I am due for my first appointment with a psychiatrist on Thursday (my GP referred me as no idea what to do with me). I don't know what to say to the psychiatrist when I see them. My symptoms are so weird I just feel they will not understand, I also don't feel that they will believe that the brainwave CD I used had a negative effect on my thinking. But if they don't believe me, how are they supposed to help me get better? If this problem persists I know I will have no choice but to take my life.
     
  5. Yvette

    Yvette Active Member

    I'm glad someone understands a little about what I'm going through. My first work shift went ok, it is a volunteer job but it's in the area that I recently qualified as (a dietitian) so it's good work experience for me, that's why I don't want to screw up this experience as this is really my stepping stone onto hopefully better things. Unfortunately though since this deep depression and anxiety surfaced just in the last couple weeks and the side effects of that brainwave CD interfering with my ability to think normally, it is so hard to work and I wish I didn't have to engage with the world at all anymore. All I want to do is just stay in bed and never do anything again. I just need to take things day by day, I can't even make plans for tomorrow as I just feel that my life is so delicate and uncertain now. I hope to be able to see through my responsibilities and I desperately hope my mind can return back to at least what was 'normal' for me before I messed with my brainwaves by using that sleep CD. If I had known that this kind of thing is damaging for some people I would never have used it. I am due for my first appointment with a psychiatrist on Thursday (my GP referred me as no idea what to do with me). I don't know what to say to the psychiatrist when I see them. My symptoms are so weird I just feel they will not understand, I also don't feel that they will believe that the brainwave CD I used had a negative effect on my thinking. But if they don't believe me, how are they supposed to help me get better? If this problem persists I know I will have no choice but to take my life.
     
  6. Yvette

    Yvette Active Member

    I stopped using the CD at least 2 weeks ago, looking back I noticed my thinking and behaviour changing when I was using it but I was so busy at the time I dismissed it. I would never do anything like that again, I just wish I could undo the damage and get better now, but I don't know anyone who can help me. My GP thinks perhaps my mood has been on a downer for a while and then recently I just got worse, and has basically diagnosed me with depression. But can depression cause weird intrusive random thoughts? I don't know. From my viewpoint, I had the intrusive thoughts and then that triggered depression since it was very upsetting and has caused me to doubt my sanity. I know if I could get rid of these thoughts I could get back to living my life. When I went to the GP for the first time I wrote her a letter describing everything I was experiencing, the low mood, anxiety, the intrusive thoughts, the random useless stuff popping into my head, the effects I noticed the CD had on me, and all she did was tell me I was depressed and thinks I need an antidepressant. I'm just not convinced that an antidepressant is the answer to this. How does it deal with my anxiety or these thoughts? I just don't know. Sorry I am rambling here, I'm just trying to work things out in my mind as nothing makes sense to me anymore.
     
  7. Freya

    Freya Loves SF Staff Member ADMIN

    Whether or not a brainwave CD can really have any effect I do not know, but depression can certainly cause random intrusive thoughts. Anti depressants cannot hurt to try - I think you should give them a go, and they very often help with anxiety as well.

    If you really think the CD had an effect on your thought patterns it might be worth getting in touch with a hypnotherapist. I know that sounds a bit strange, but if anyone is going to be able to give you some insight into whether or not a CD will have affected your thought patterns etc, I would think a hypnotherapist would be a good bet. I am not saying that it would definitely help, but it would be an additional opinion to consider.

    Take care and stay safe :hug:
     
  8. snogo

    snogo Well-Known Member

    Hi there, I was prescribed anti-depressants for more than a year in most of my consultations. They do have some effect in helping me calm down a little, focus a bit better. All you need to do is tell your doctor honestly during each appointment is what you have been experiencing after taking those medications, ranging from physical to emotional aspects.

    By the way, you are writing well here. I can understand what you're saying. Don't give up. Take your time to work things out. Write down your thoughts and feelings bit by bit as they come. You can even draw a mind map if you like.

    Keep posting. We will be here to listen.
     
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