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I don't know how to sort this out.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Ellie Grey, Oct 15, 2013.

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  1. Ellie Grey

    Ellie Grey Well-Known Member

    I know this sounds silly but it's affecting me quite badly.
    My dad was murdered just over 3 years ago, the people were never caught and I still live in the same city, in fact I go to that specific part of the city every week and I'm within a 5 minute walk of the area he died, and I sometimes see his flat which he used to live in. (I never lived in that place as he died as his girlfriends house)

    Anyways, he died from a single stab wound.

    I was bored the other day so I was reading stuff online and came across a story about a man who almost killed this teenage girl with a knife(Not even a real story and has no description) For some reason when I went to bed that night I started hysterically crying and had to put the lamp on, and I was too terrified to even get out of bed. I kept hearing noises downstairs and I started to get really paranoid and I genuinely believed the people who killed my dad were outside my room. I know the chances of anyone getting up 3 flights of stairs without my uncle (with very good hearing) and I hearing is extremely low, especially since we've got several bolts on each door and we've got secured wire fence around the garden.

    I'd like to say in general I'm not a wuss, I've read and watched far far worse and I've never once even been slightly afraid, and I've never been afraid of the dark even as a child. I've been in situations that I've had to react quickly and be calm. I've always handled well in a emergency even when I've been the only one around and I've had someone bleeding to death in front of me.
    So I don't know why a story that wasn't even descriptive has caused me this paranoia. I know logically that in a city this size the chance of me walking past the murderers are low, and it's much much lower that they'll even know who I am... I just can't get it out of my head and I keep believing that I'm being watched or someone is waiting for me. I'm a crying, exhausted mess and in day light I'm not as bad and I think I'm being a total wuss, but when it starts getting dark I end up sitting up at night stressed out of my mind.

    I'm sorry to put this here as technically I'm not suicidal, I'm just extremely exhausted and stressed and the lack of food and sleep has caused me to have a really rough day at school and I'm feeling pretty low. I just don't know who to mention this to as I know most people will think I'm a wimp and I know they'll just tell me to think logically and I really am trying... It's just stuck in my head. It's currently midnight and I have a bright lamp on but I know I'll have to sleep soon and I'm not far from crying with fear.

    I'm not allowed any pets nor am I allowed any type of object that can cause significant harm (Bat-Plank of wood, knife, etc) and I've been told if there is a burgulary I'll likely have a lot of time (3-4th floor) to barricade myself in, and the doors and walls are quite thick and I have a storage room linked to my bedroom with a lot of heavy objects so I've got the safest room in the house. I've had these discussions before several times so I know what do do in an emergency and I've got the highest chance of survival/staying safe than anyone else in any other room., I just need to get past this paranoia but once the light goes off or I have to open my bedroom door the panic kicks in.
    Anyone got any advice? I apologise for the length, I just wanted to explain everything.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I am sorry hun you are suffering so are you receiving any help for your anxiety You are not a wimp hun no way you are suffering from a great loss to you in a tragic way

    Of course the fear will stay with you. Talk to someone a therapist a councilor your doctor to get some help for you ok
  3. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Sometimes when we think the worst is behind us, it sneaks in and sends us spinning around again. You are still traumatized by all that has happened. That certainly doesn't make you a wuss, it makes you human. You're here and on the right track. Keep posting. Keep sharing. No one here is going to think of you as weak. The opposite, you're strong by being able to find the courage to speak about your fears. And you don't need to apologize ever for what you post here. It's your honest feelings and this is possibly one of the safest places to express them.

    Is there a counselor at school you could talk to about what is happening with you? Another thing to consider is a support group for those dealing with grief. Or look into finding a therapist. You don't need to tell any one at school unless you want to. But people may start to talk noticing that you are tired and out of sorts. So it would be a good idea to look into finding some professional help.

    You might want to talk to your doctor about finding ways to help you fall asleep at night. There are meds that can be prescribed that will calm you enough to get a good nights sleep. And you don't need to take them for a long time. They may get your system into a routine very quickly. The more sleep you lose the harder it will be to keep yourself going. And then you find yourself run down and feeling like you're in a rut.

    Hang on Ellie, you've taken the 1st step and there are a lot more coming to get you back on the right path.
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