I don't know how to do this anymore, to wait for meds to help. I'm exhausted just fighting off the urge to kill myself. It's overwhelming and overrides everything else. I am trying to not do it, but it's so hard and I am only so strong. This all hurts. I feel like a horrible hateful person, I don't deserve anything. I guess not even to die and have it over with. Sometimes I desperately want ppl to talk to and other times I can't talk and fear I am just driving ppl away from me. I'm not likable. Not lovable. I feel like nothing. I'm empty. A shell of meat, no real person left in me.