For the majority of my life ever since childhood, I have had thoughts of suicide. I have had countless attempts but just couldn't seem to do it. However, now it has an extra boost of pain and sorrow that just might make me go all the way. I am now a teen. My grades in school have dropped drastically. All my life I would think that I would rather kill myself than to be retained. In this case, I just might be retained. It is nearly the end of the year. I have done bad this entire year. I am losing hope. I've become very doubtful. The thing is, I don't seem like the kind of guy who is suicidal. I'm not dressing up in some gothic like way. I'm not much of a rebel either. Instead, I seem joyful. I laugh a lot. I often use sarcasm. I'm like a typical joker. Unfortunately, the fact that I am suicidal and close to ending it all is no joke. I have gotten really close lately and I believe retention is going to be the final straw. I really need to get away from this but I just can't. I'm always depressed now. I haven't told my parents or relatives how I feel because I am afraid of their reactions. Usually my mom and dad would just compare me to others and ask why can't I be like them. My mom just nags and nags me to tears. In my mind I curse her and have even flicked her off but behind a door so she wouldn't see. I only hide it in order to prevent being beaten. With my dad it is more serious. He beats me several times when simply get problems in my work wrong. I've even bled and have gotten quite a few bruises from these beatings. I don't know how much longer I can last. If anyone can help, please comment.