I don't know if I can keep going

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Howard Johnson, Jul 7, 2016.

  1. Howard Johnson

    Howard Johnson New Member

    I came back from afghanistan in 2012 and was diagnosed with ptsd and tbi shortly after my wife says I'm not the same person, which I can kinda see I'm more on edge get angry very easy. But I kind of shrug it off for a couple years. We managed to accumulate a lot of debt on my second deployment because she got bored when I was gone and got loan and credit cards for no retirement made plenty of money. But I get so stressed about it and I start to get depressed and it get worse as the month go by. My career in the military come to a stand still. Depression gets worse on top of us fighting over our money situation. A couple weeks go by and my depression is so bad I googled <Mod Edit, Methods>. But I think one of my kids walked in so I closed the phone. Now the kids are young at this time they where 2 and the oldest was 3 so they had no idea what was going on. Few days later wife is on my phone and see what I was looking up. Then again we had another fight and she brings up why I haven't been promoted and so and so has, then she says maybe you should kill yourself. And I was in such disbelief that my own wife could say that. I just got in the car and drove around. I brushed it off and tried to pretend everything was fine. A year later so about a week ago from now she come up to me and says she wants a divorce. Now I thought things where getting better we haven't argued in months.but I guess I was wrong now the next day was our 8 year anniversary and I try texting her see if she wants to see or movie or something you know maybe work this gst out. Nothing I get no reply so I look and see where she is. St some restaurant then at the movies. We both have iPhone so that's how I was able to see her location. She come home around 11 and goes to bed. I thought this was weird so an hour I go and look at her phone but she changed her password I was able to guess her new one and I saw her text to some guy saying she had a great time and a photo of them all close together. The next night when she gets home the same time I see more text between them talking about taking a nap together and how cute he is. And I do think know how you can be with someone for 8 years then immediately be dating again. My depression is so bad right now I have no one to talk to my best friend died last month. The only thing that's keeping me going now are my kids but idk what's gonna happen when I move out. She has blocked me on Facebook and now she blocked my phone number so I can't even text her right now I feel like the best way to go about this is to just end it
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 13, 2016
  2. brknsilence

    brknsilence Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry you went through so much. Please don't give up. Please don't end it. Know we are here for you. Message me anytime if you want. Are you seeing a Dr and therapist?
    bobbob likes this.
  3. mpk

    mpk Well-Known Member

    Howard, I am sorry you are going through this stuff. As a veteran myself from long ago let me thank you for your service. There is help out there for you. Can you contact the VA crisis line to talk to someone.
    I would suggest you give the implement (s) to a trusted friend who will not give it back to you.
    I have fought with these same feelings many times myself and have looked for methods yet in the end I don't act on them because I truly believe it is not the way. I understand fighting it daily as I still do myself.
    I am going through difficult times with my wife right now yet I know whatever happens I will be okay.
    bobbob and brknsilence like this.
  4. Brian777

    Brian777 Safety and Support Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Hey Howard, I'm sorry that you're going through this, you served your country and have been left with depression etc. Please take Mpk's advice and contact the VA crisis line or another crisis Center. I know it's all overwhelming and you're in great pain right now, but you can get through this. Post here and we will support you on your journey as best we can.
    But please stay around, especially for your kids, let them grow up with a father. You sound like a good and honourable man and we care about you here.
    bobbob and brknsilence like this.