I don't know if I can wait...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by EllieThade, Feb 28, 2008.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. EllieThade

    EllieThade Antiquities Friend

    I made a 'decision' with myself to stay safe until at least September. But I'm so sad now, I don't know if I can hold out. I'm afraid to tell my therapist that I'm not feeling stable, that I might be changing my mind about my decision. I don't want to go back into the hospital. I can't stand it anymore. It's been way too many times in-patient. A couple of not so nice things happened today. Nothing super major, but enough to make me sad and crying at 12:30 in the morning, posting here. My thoughts of suicide have increased potentially in the last week or so. I had been much better after the ECT I had in Oct./Nov., but the thoughts are now relentless. At least the urges are less than they used to be, but I don't know how long that will last and how long I will be safe. I am despondent. I am feeling hopeless. I am feeling guilty that I might not be able to hold out until September. (My step-son is getting married then.) My mother is coming from across the country in April (AND September). Can I even hold out until April? Can I even hold out for a week? I just quit my Partial program. They started me in one group and now they won't let me back into that group where I made close contacts and close feelings and loved all the people in it. They "lowered" me into a group where I can't relate to the others. They don't have the same problems. They don't talk about them the same way. The close relationships I forged with the original group will never be the same. I mean I can't BE with them in groups and support them and have them support and understand me the way I'm used to. And am I really stupid enough to be sad about my husband coming in my room to shut the outside light I inadvertently left on, yet my night table light was blaring, the TV was on, I wasn't undressed or under the covers, and he just left me there like that. He didn't even say goodnight. (We don't sleep in the same room.) Why should I even care about that? But I'm crying over it and the Partial thing. I just feel so untaken care of. I didn't react at first, but when I got myself undressed and under the covers and shut the light, I just started crying and I couldn't stop. I JUST WANT TO DIE. I don't want to wait until September. I don't want to care what people will think. I don't want to hurt the people who love me. I don't want to ruin my son's wedding. But does my husband even care if I'm at his side when we walk him down the ailse? He could care less about me tonight. Or most times.

    I'm sorry... I just had to get this all out. I think if I didn't have this outlet, I might actually do something stupid, like cut again, even though I've managed not to cut for over a year now.

    Sigh... I wish someone would just LET ME DIE.
     
  2. liveinhope

    liveinhope Well-Known Member

    hi ellie

    Im sorry today is proving so difficult for you, i know that when you are able to form bonds with people and take them into their trust it can be a big thing to loose, so im sure your missing your group sessions, you will find that you will make many friends here at sf and bonds will again be formed though it may take a little while.Please keep posting on the forum as you are at least sharing your thoughts and not keeing them within, i hope today proves a little brighter for you and i enjoyed meeting you in chat last night, pm me anytime hun happy to chat with you
    take care and please be safe
     
  3. EllieThade

    EllieThade Antiquities Friend

    Thanks Patience, as always, for your kind words. Even though I thought I would be safe after I wrote that post, I wasn't. I ended up cutting, and now I have to deal with the guilt and shame and hiding it from everyone (especially my 12 year old daughter). The repercussions of this act will make my therapist put me back on a no-harm contract, which in itself is difficult to deal with. And at this point, I don't know if I'll be able to keep to the contract... (which will land me in a hospital if I'm not careful...)

    I am hoping to make friends and bond with many people here - you are already one of them. Hopefully, spilling my guts next time will truly keep me safe.

    I appreciate your response and caring.

    Hugs,

    Ellie
     
  4. liveinhope

    liveinhope Well-Known Member

    Hi Ellie ive sent you a pm please take care hun
     
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.