I don't know if I want to be saved

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by dreamer11, Jul 17, 2013.

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  1. dreamer11

    dreamer11 Member

    I just don't want to feel anything anymore. I'm 20 yrs old and already exhausted from constant rejection and emptiness. I'm supposed to be having the time of my life, and it's only going to get worse. I just want to smack on some pavement or something and just be done. Nobody loves me. I've tried counseling but it's not having enough of an effect. I don't think things will ever change. I'm so sad and I wish somebody could give me a reason to live, though I don't see one. I don't think people would miss me. The only thing stopping me right now is thinking that people would make fun of me and say I was crazy all along if I were to act on these thoughts.
     
  2. themute

    themute Active Member

    Hi dreamer11. What you're going through sounds so lonely, and I think a lot of us going through this stuff have to deal with isolation as well. Right now I've found that going to a support group for depression has helped a bit, because it helps me to feel less alone. Would you consider doing that? You can google for one in your area, I think there are usually ones around in most places. In the mean time I hope you try to hang in there. <3
     
  3. emily83

    emily83 Well-Known Member

    sorry dreamer 11. i thought along those lines too at times- is it worth being saved.. since i've lost so much. guess the only thing we can really do is try to hang in their
     
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi hun loneliness depression hun sometimes therapy is not enough sometime med and therapy together you get better results. Joining a class you are interested in art music helps to get you outside yourself and meet new people hun As stated group therapy may be more beneficial as well Keep reaching out ok hun keep talking to us here we care hugs
     
  5. John B

    John B Active Member

    Once you’re accustomed to the years of existing only in the shadows, you don’t ever want to see the light. That’s one of the major reasons I didn’t want to be on any website. People are known by those in their immediate environment. Anyone outside that environment doesn’t know who they are and most likely doesn’t care; exceptions do apply with regards to social media website and other online activities. If the people in this person’s life, their immediate environment, also don’t care for that individual, then that individual doesn’t exist. If no one knows or cares who they are, then there is absolutely no need for that person suffering to terminate their own life or retaliate against those that have wronged them. The one thing that I’ve learned over the years is that if you never existed to these people, then nothing you say or do will ever register with them. They don’t know you; you’re just another face in a crowd, which could be a good thing. If you want to die more than anything, fine, you’re dead.* Let your body go numb and understand that if the people in your past don’t know you or care about you then that life, with them, is over. You can’t change the past and you can’t make those that don’t care, all of a sudden care. When it comes to that part of your life, you need to accept the loss; what could have been, didn’t happen. Have a personal memorial if you need to. I have something stupid with name, birth year and the year everything fell apart amongst my personal belongings. It’s not something for others to see. It’s just a reminder, that part of my past was a devastating loss that I need to accept. You can’t raise the dead. There’re certain things that should never occur because once they do, there’s no going back.

    If I ever heard that you tapped out, it would severely bother me more than all the other individuals my age that have crossed that line. When I say bothered, I mean that I would end up shutting down mentally and physically for an unknown period of time. The reason for this is that I have written several messages that I hope you have read at some point. I’m throwing you a life line and waiting for you to grab on. You’re stuck in my head and I don’t want you to fall any further then you already have.

    The future will never get any better if those who are suppose to make a difference self terminate before they reach a position where they can make a significant difference. You’re not alone, everyone is just scattered across the planet in a similar but different shit storm situation. We need to congregate and work together for a way out for ourselves leaving a trail for others to follow, if they wish.

    *Seriously, seriously, seriously, for anyone reading this, do not take this statement the wrong way.
    I should also explain the “shit storm” reference, since I use it a lot in my personal life. Imagine extremely heavy rain caused by an inbound hurricane; replace the water with violent liquid [wow], with the occasional chunks. Sometimes certain situations get so bad that it feels as if you were caught outside in a storm like that.


    -I do not know enough to have a valid opinion.
     
  6. John B

    John B Active Member

    When writing this I should have stayed on topic instead of ranting about how you needed to treat your past as a life that had ended. I needed to get that social bubble statement out of my head which is why I stated my thoughts in that area. The problem you stated was that if given the opportunity to get out and away from the hole you’re in, you might not want to; which is understandable. After spending a significant amount of time in a negative environment, that environment becomes your world and it’s harder to see how anything else could be better.

    I know what it’s like to be in that situation. I’ve been in a similar hole for several years. I would waste hours staring at the opening but I could never bring myself to climb out and walk away. The major obstacle that I can’t overcome is the fear of further isolation. If I move forward and I’m still alone, there is a possibility that I might develop a permanent disconnection from society and eventually reality. If I do move forward, anyone I encounter past that point might solely have a financial or other unwarranted interest for being around me.

    I would ask what are you afraid of and what’s holding you back, but I already know the answer. You can get the inner peace you’re looking for without terminating your life. My solution for inner peace is a fully self sustaining ranch in the middle of no-where, with sufficient tree coverage, that is secluded enough to justify the way I feel. I would always have some computer-based or technological work to keep my mind stimulated. Once I thought that living on Mars would be better because that environment doesn’t encourage or instigate positive emotions. I don’t know what your future holds if you choose to pursue it, but I do know that you don’t have to face it alone anymore.
     
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