I don't know if I want to do this anymore

I have been thinking about suicide for the past several years. (I am twenty-two now.) My life has never been good or happy. My father is a sociopath who has caused immeasurable psychological trauma to me and my mother, as well as others. As a result, I am not socially well-adjusted, to put it mildly. When I look back on my life, I realize that I have never felt close or connected to anyone, even those few individuals who used to be my 'best friends.' I have been extremely socially isolated for the past ten years. At one point, I didn't leave the house for more than a year. Needless to say, I have no friends. The city I grew up in is separated by hundreds of kilometers from any of my relatives (other than my parents), so they don't know or care about me. I ceased all contact with my father when I was eighteen. I wish he had never been in my life at all. My parents divorced when I was seven years old (though my father still tormented my mother and I for the next eleven years, and the psychological effects of his abuse may never be resolved). My mother struggled to support me on her income, so I grew up on or below the poverty line for most of my life. I excelled academically but didn't finish school due to my social maladjustment. I'm not a bad person; I don't hurt or use people, like my father does. I don't know why I have to suffer so much. I wish that there was even one person in my life who actually cared about me. Of course, I don't expect good things like that to happen to me. In any case, I'm living in a really bad situation right now, and I'll probably be homeless within a couple of weeks. I don't want to live like this anymore, anyway. Perhaps it would be better just to die.

 

Hi V...tonight I can fully relate to what you have written...I read a book a while ago, When Bad Things Happen To Good People, which has helped at times like this...I am glad you can see you are not like your father...it must be awful to have to relate to someone like him...so sorry this has happened to you and please keep posting and letting us know what is going on for you...J

 

You are right you are not a bad person a person who need love and compassion who needs support. Can you not reach out to community programs where you are to get you the support you need the housing you need. If things get bad go to hospital okay they will have the staff there to assist you in finding the support in your area to get you back on your feet hugs to a kind caring soul

 

Hi Ve and welcome to SF. If you lose your home, then try getting some help from a shelter or community housing. It's too cold to be out on the streets. Please don't give up hope. I'm so sorry to hear that your father was a sociopath and traumatized you and your mom for so many years. I wish there was more I could do to help. :hug:

 

Thank you, guys, for your replies. Reading them created an emotional response in me to which I am not accustomed. It is comforting to hear supportive thoughts from others who can relate, or who care.

Sadeyes, reading those verses from the Dhammapada again brings to mind what I have studied of Buddhist philosophy, which is helpful. I stopped meditating a few years ago; maybe I should start again.

I tend to think that I shouldn't tell people about my father, because I imagine that, due to association, they may think badly of me, or that they won't understand. It seems that you guys are able to empathize, though, so maybe I should rethink my perspective on that.

It is difficult to imagine how my life could get better after becoming homeless. I just moved to a new province, and I'm not familiar with what services are available here.

I don't know what else to write right now.

 

Glad to hear from you...and yes, meditate and focus on your self...you are not your father and that has taken bravery and work on your part...J

 

If you call the hospital in your are they may have connection you need or call crisis line they too will give you connections you need You live in Canada 1800 ocanada phone line will help you find services as well I hope you get those supports in place you need okay CAMH is another number to look at under the internet they will point you in the right direction for help as well. hugs