I don't know if it was abuse

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by Cariad_Bach, Jan 6, 2012.

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  1. Cariad_Bach

    Cariad_Bach Staff Alumni

    He told me I didn't have to, he kept telling me it was my choice. But he just kept pushing, and prodding, and using guilt-trips to get me where he wanted me, how he wanted me. He said he didn't know I didn't want to.

    He has since said it was totally unintentional; he never set out to get me there, and it wasn't malicious; he just thought I was nervous and that he could help me to get through that.

    I think I believe him. I do. But the fact is that he was still capable of it. And if I let myself, I'll keep dwelling on the feeling that I didn't have a choice. Because he told me I did, but when I asked for it to stop it didn't.


    I'm just trying to make sense of it. Because, really, the only measure of how bad it was is how I feel about it, right?

    And if I keep working myself up about whether I was clear enough that I didn't want to, and trying to work out how and why it ended up happening anyway.
    I will just continue feeling dreadful. Whereas, if I accept what he says, which is basically "I was drunk, and behaved apallingly, but the repercussions for you were unintentional and I genuinely didn't realise that was what was happening for you at the time". Then I feel better.

    Am I fooling myself?
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Maybe there is a different question, as to why both of you were so far apart in your perceptions...how old are both of you, and what control, do you feel he might have over you as well? Also, you asked for it to stop, and it didn't...that seems to be the most operant statement...why would anyone who cares about you subject you to an event you did not want to participate in? Whatever you call the event, it seems you were not respected. Why would anyone want to be intimate with another person under these circumstances? And, are you still in a relationship with him? I suggest a clear discussion of bourdaries and respect take place if so
  3. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    Oh I am so sorry to read this.

    You asked him to stop, he did not. That is the salient fact here. The unpleasant truth is he could do this again. The fact that there is this doubt in your mind means it may not be right to use the word 'rape' but still, as you noted, it speaks volumes about his character.

    If you think he will not do this again, if from now on he will always treat you decently, then yes, I think you are fooling yourself. You deserve better.
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