I don't know if it's my fault or not.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Shane96, Jun 18, 2012.

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  1. Shane96

    Shane96 Member

    Before i start, i'm sorry for my english it's not my national language.
    I'm 16, i love listening to rock music from the 60's,70's and early 80's. And i am also a skater. I never had any real friends before i was 16, so i tried to find some, at first i became friends with some other skaters and we had a good time until at one of the parties we threw, they started playing rap songs and dubstep (i hate that kind of music) But i didn't mind, we listened to that music for about an hour and a half and i asked them "Hey, can we put on some Led Zeppelin, it's really awesome while smoking a joint!" Then they replied "Dude i'm not in a wheelchair!" I was like "What?" then they said "We aren't playing that old shit in here, if you don't like it then fucking leave" I didn't understand, i respected their music choise, but they didn't respect mine. I left without saying anything and spent the night on a bench, i never spoke to them again, i didn't want to, they weren't the friends i was searching for. Later i met a fellow skater and it turned out that he listens to the same music as i do, so after some time we became best friends, he then asked me if i wanted to be a guitar player in his band, i was acctually learning to play the guitar at that time, but i wasn't very good, i was going to accept, but for some reason i thought i'd joke around with him and tell him "No way". He looked at me for 5 seconds, then said "You are pathetic, i can't believe i've wasted my time with you, i never want to listen to your bullshit again." I was stunned, i was going to tell him i was only kidding, but i realised that he only wanted me to be in his band and nothing else, he was always talking about how we are going to be rockstars, i guess he was only trying to get me hyped up for his own gain. I didn't say anything i just left, like before. But this time i felt really hurt, i thought that finally i found someone i could trust and i don't know just be a friend with, but i was only fooling myself, not even the people that have the exact same interests as me like me. I fell in love with one girl after that, but she just played around with me, made me think, even told me she liked me too, which made me fall for her even more, but in the end a "HAHAHA i didn't think you'd fall for that, you must be really naive!" made me collapse right infront of her, i told her so much about me, things that i didn't say to anyone else, i trusted her, just as i trusted my 'best friend'. They both pretended to care for me and in the end they just fucked me over. But this can't be a coincidence, it must be my fault, i am doing something wrong and that is why my whole life i can't find any friends or at least someone who respects me. My heart got filled with a dark feeling i felt as it was slowly getting pierced by sharp arrows, i felt like crying would make it better, but it didn't i went home got some alchohol and opened the medical cabinet and took some pills, my mom saw me and took them away and started shouting at me, i didn't want to listen to her bullshit so i locked myself into my room and here i am writting this bullshit, which will probably seem very stupid to some of you who will read it. I still have some pills and alchohol sitting next to me and i just beg of you, give me only one reason why i shouldn't take them.
     
  2. Sea Sparkles

    Sea Sparkles Well-Known Member

    ((((Shane!)))))

    Your 16! That should be reason enough, you have sooooo much life ahead of you sweetie!
    I'm so sorry about the girl, both of you are young, kids play mean tricks on other kids :/

    I know your upset, and I understand that, I was bullied pretty bad and school.... I had a few girls friend me, JUST to take personal info out of me, and use it against me... one even told the whole school I was preggoo, rumors everyplace.

    Alright this is not about me, this is bout you, but I wanted to explain, this shit happens A LOT it's not because of you, but because of immature KIDS.

    If you want to PM me, I'll be here to listen.

    There are hotlines you can call/ email, too.

    Things do get better.

    Be safe :hug:
    -Sea
     
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