I don't know if there's anywhere else to turn

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by ladicius29, Jan 4, 2009.

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  1. ladicius29

    ladicius29 Member

    Hi. I never written on a forum before, so I'm not quite sure how to start this off. I'll just get some stuff off my chest I guess. A little about myself. I am 29, married and have two young children. My life is a complete mess, and for the past 7 months I've been isolated from everyone outside of my household. I have suffered for many years with depression, anxiety, mood swings and other forms of hellish torment from within my very own mind, body and soul. Suicidal thoughts and visions have been a part of my mental state for more than many years now. Only I never felt so helpless, hopeless and alone as I do at this point of my life. The truth is I do not want to leave my children this way, but I am so out of control (inside and out) that I believe if I stay I will only complicate their lives much much more. I don't want them to suffer the way I have. I believe a decision needs to be made soon while they are still young. I've been to doctors, therapists, psycholgists, counselors, inpatient treatment, outpatient treatment basically every avenue looking for help. Nothing has seemed to help, not even the meds. I have struggled and fought (mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically) to try and live a normal productive life. But 15 years of doing so and not getting any better has drained me. I am tired. I don't have the strength or will to fight any longer. I've become a burden to my wife, mother and children. I believe they deserve better especially the kids. I truly believe that I'm down to two options: live or die. Honestly I would like a reason to live, but I look and look and look and I really cannot see one. It may be easy to point to the children as a reason(s), but I feel as though I am caught up in such a storm of turmoil, torment, anguish and pain that all I am going to do is pass this curse right along to them. They deserve a better chance at life. I know the results created by either choice will not be perfect but I believe that my death will spare them in the future. I'm conflicted and confused, nothing seems right anymore. I feel dangerous. All I know is when I think about death now I feel a complete sense of calmness. The fear is almost all gone. It's so hard to explain, there's so much more to it than that. I just wanted to reach out to anybody to see if someone understands this excruciating existence. I don't know. Whoever took the time to read this, thanks.
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hello Ladicius,

    Welcome to the forums. I hope we can give you the help and support you need.

    I can relate to how you feel. I have practically lived in isolation for the past 5 years.

    Your children can be the reason to keep living. Even if you don't feel it, I'm sure they would be lost without you. They need you and would be struggling just as much as you are if you went through with it. Please stay for them.

    I'm always around of you need to talk. :hug:

  3. Leiaha

    Leiaha Well-Known Member

    Welcome to sf.
    You will find here a lot of people who feel exactly the way you do, myself included.
    I know how hard it is to feel the way you do and have nowhere to turn. Thats what we are here for, to comfort and support :hug:
    Please feel free to post anytime, there is always someone here to help :)
    Take care and stay safe, lea x
  4. Locket

    Locket Well-Known Member

    hi ladicius :hug: welcome to SF

    i'm sorry you've felt like this for so long and nothing you've tried has been successful.
    life can be extremely painful at times and although there are lights in the darkness, such as your children you mentioned - it can sometimes still feel as if it's not worth living.
    if you ever need anyone to talk to, don't hesitate to PM me anytime and i'll get back to you asap. :smile:
    we're here to make your life easier
    i'm glad you found us
    laura x
  5. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hello Ladicious,
    Welcome to the forum!! I know how you feel, I have alot of the same problems. I am on a regiment of meds for those problems. Just taking an AD isn't going to help with everything you mentioned. I am on the following:
    1) Effexer for depression
    2) Geodon for the irrational thoughts
    3) Cogentin for side effects from Geodon
    4) Xanax for the anxiety
    5) Lamitcal for mood swings
    6) A good therapist for the last three years.
    I know it is a struggle to deal with all this but you children really need you. I wasn't able to be there for my daughter and she has been in foster homes and girls facilities for unruly chidren, and a few other I can't think of right now. I tried to help her for those years by brining her here to have a new start and she was so unruly I couldn't get it across to her that she was misbehaving. She would keep running away and having sex at thirteen. She has had two abortions when she was younger and has been raped three times.
    I brought her and my grandaughter down here about six months ago to have another go at having a new chance. She would sleep all the time from her depression (according to her she is fine). I suffer from augorphobia but I forced my self to run her around town filling out job apps. After four months she started thinking we were going to kick her out. That thought had never intered our minds. So she moved across state to a friends house and that has lasted two months and her friend got tired of her shit. So now she has an apartment but no job.
    I guess I am telling you all this because I would hate for your children to go thru what she has. They need there father in there lives to teach and to discipline when necesarry. Try a therapist again, sometimes you have to go thru a few before you find one you are comfortable with. Mine has helped me in some respects but not the suicidal ideations. She says they will be with me the rest of my life. But she has tought me to put them in the back of my mind dailey.
    If you feel that close to commiting then you need to write down everything that is going on with you and go to your local ER and tell them you are suicidal and ready to harm yourself. They will put you in a crisis ward (it's not that bad just boring take a book) When you are feeling stable again then they will discharge you. I hope this helps in some way!!~Joseph~
  6. tendenCs_89

    tendenCs_89 Well-Known Member

    hey and welcome to sf :)

    i think that anything you do just about at this point will be better than committing suicide. your kids need you and by ending your life you will seriously damage theirs.
    But i think that by being in a bad state and not acting like a good father will damage them to. But before you be the father and the support your family needs you need to try and help yourself feel better. Try and tell us what is it that makes you feel helpless, hopeless and alone, and why your conflicted and confused. Where does this turmoil, torment, anguish and pain come from?Is there anything you can do with therapy or meds that you havent tried?

    dont worry i know the feeling of an excuciating existence, i suffer from social anxiety and depression and feel trapped in my own head a hell of a lot
  7. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    Hi ladicius29 and welcome to Suicide Forum. :welcome:

    I noticed that your 29 and I'll be 28 next month. First of all, you said that you have a wife and children who love you. That should be enough reason for you to stay alive, because there are many people in this forum who would be happy if they only had that. Many marriages are in turmoil, because one of the spouses are controlling or abusive. If you're in a loving relationship, then you should be thankful for that. Now let's say that you choose to end your life? Your wife may choose to re-marry (assuming she can even get over your death). What if your wife marries an abusive husband and your wife and children end up being abused by him? Are you really willing to risk that? There are many good guys out there, but there are a lot of abusive fuckers out there too. Take time my friend and think about your options. Please don't give up. :hug:
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