Hi. I never written on a forum before, so I'm not quite sure how to start this off. I'll just get some stuff off my chest I guess. A little about myself. I am 29, married and have two young children. My life is a complete mess, and for the past 7 months I've been isolated from everyone outside of my household. I have suffered for many years with depression, anxiety, mood swings and other forms of hellish torment from within my very own mind, body and soul. Suicidal thoughts and visions have been a part of my mental state for more than many years now. Only I never felt so helpless, hopeless and alone as I do at this point of my life. The truth is I do not want to leave my children this way, but I am so out of control (inside and out) that I believe if I stay I will only complicate their lives much much more. I don't want them to suffer the way I have. I believe a decision needs to be made soon while they are still young. I've been to doctors, therapists, psycholgists, counselors, inpatient treatment, outpatient treatment basically every avenue looking for help. Nothing has seemed to help, not even the meds. I have struggled and fought (mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically) to try and live a normal productive life. But 15 years of doing so and not getting any better has drained me. I am tired. I don't have the strength or will to fight any longer. I've become a burden to my wife, mother and children. I believe they deserve better especially the kids. I truly believe that I'm down to two options: live or die. Honestly I would like a reason to live, but I look and look and look and I really cannot see one. It may be easy to point to the children as a reason(s), but I feel as though I am caught up in such a storm of turmoil, torment, anguish and pain that all I am going to do is pass this curse right along to them. They deserve a better chance at life. I know the results created by either choice will not be perfect but I believe that my death will spare them in the future. I'm conflicted and confused, nothing seems right anymore. I feel dangerous. All I know is when I think about death now I feel a complete sense of calmness. The fear is almost all gone. It's so hard to explain, there's so much more to it than that. I just wanted to reach out to anybody to see if someone understands this excruciating existence. I don't know. Whoever took the time to read this, thanks.