I don't know if this was impulsive or planned!

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by jell, Oct 13, 2013.

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  1. jell

    jell Well-Known Member

    I'm still struggling from my last attempt, I am not sure if it was impulsive or planned. Yes I'd stored stuff for ages and had been having thoughts for a long time, I had a crisis team involved a month before so to help me not end up ending up in a psych ward and being at home looking after my child, I then told myself just get to the summer holidays and then my child will go to his dads and I can then act on my thoughts, it was like it gave me breathing space so that's what I did he went away but I kept going for a little while, until I popped to the corner shop and there on the floor was some medication that I didn't know what it was, it felt like it was a sign that it was time, so I searched my flat for stuff I had hid and then took it all. Ok I was found and woke up very confused in hospital not sure about anything, I felt defeated as I was in supported accommodation my flat was then searched and they found so much medication around hidden in places I had no idea about, I felt vulnerable and upset, I feared for my child he is older so he knows not to take medication but the fact of how much they found that I did not know I had gave me such a shock I didn't realise any of it. I now am here feeling very alone and then two weeks later a freind of mine went through with it and succeeded she was so much younger than me and I ended up in a psych ward, I was able to go to the funeral and I can't get it out of my head, I really didn't want to be here and I keep seeing my children crying and the devestation if I had gone through with it, my children were so understanding when I ended up in the psych ward it upset me, when I spoke to my daughter, and I apologised as she had to go home at 1am in the morning due to my mental state, all she could say is it's ok mummy and it hurt like crazy, this haunts me so so much, so why do I want to take my life when my children long to be with me I feel so angry with myself so much I feel selfish, I am afraid to die for them but I am also afraid of living as I feel so much pain it's horrible everybody around me is planning future events and including me and I struggle to see the next day. I write down my accomplishments every day to try and see what I am doing even if it's just to go to the shop and not buy anything to damage myself with. I don't know where to turn, I'm scared of losing my son as he has built his life up with me which is a long story and my eldest says I have always been his constant, despite how i was in hospital for so many years without them it is really hurting right now.
     
  2. the black raven

    the black raven Well-Known Member

    Hello jell, I'm sorry you feel this way... It is good that you want to fight for your daughter, it is good you have the strength to live your life for your daughter even when you fear it so much. You are a good mother, and you have a good daughter, you should be proud of her. I don't know why you feel this way, but the fact that you did it, that means you must feel pretty bad. I'm sorry you have to feel this way :(

    I think you should go seek help, professional help, true, some of them are bad, you need to find a good one, the right one for you. Not ever these so called "professional" are good, but keep fighting for your daughter and son okay?

    They needs you, I know it, I have a mum and I can't imagine hwo I will feel if I lost her, that's why please fight, if not for yourself, for them okay?

    You need to take care for yourself. I hope you get better. *hugs*
     
  3. jell

    jell Well-Known Member

    Thanx for replying, I only have my son permantly living with me my daughter lives with her dad but wants to come and live with me when she changes school next year. I am fighting I am holding on for them but I am also finding it harder and harder, I was having therapy and it stopped in July of this year there are waiting lists forever where I am and I haven't the money to go privately. My children have been my super glue but I hate that it is them I am living for, they do not know this and I would never tell them that's the case as I wouldn't want to appear to put any pressure on them, I don't want them turning out how I have, I'm sensitive to their needs even more so I think due to my circumstances, my eldest is at uni he is the one who tells me how proud he is of me which seems crazy your son saying something like that. He's turned out sensitive and unjudgemental and a very loving boy who considers me his mum first and then his best freind he does give me hope and even though he doesn't know the attempt I took he is understanding that I'm not always so good. I am proud of my children I love them very much I guess this is why I find these feelings so tough it makes me feel like a failure and I am scared to wreck their lives in living but then in death I know I will do that too. I cry so much when I see the opposing sides of my mind the one that tells me live be strong your children need you and you can help others, to the other side saying I am flawed and will never amount to anything and am ruining my children's lives by living in such chaos. Idk if that makes any sense but that's where I am at the moment.
     
  4. the black raven

    the black raven Well-Known Member

    I know how you feel jell, it's quite similar in my condition, but for me I live my life for my dad, I don't want to cause him grief, I have been in condition where he thought he lost me, and I saw his devastated face. That's why even if I don't want to live, I keep living. You are a good mother, you don't want to show your children your hardship, they don't ahve to know, but we are here, we can listen to your rant. You should join our chat sometimes, there are many caring people who feel the same as you and I. I'm still in Uni, I'm only 21 years old :) but that doesn't make me too young to care for you :p

    I wish I have a mum like you, she's very negative, and she did show that she's in pain and don't keep it to herself, make us feel bad too. You are a good mum, but you need to vent too, that's why we are here.
     
  5. jell

    jell Well-Known Member

    Gosh I read your post and cried just down to you saying I wish I had a mum like you, I find it extremely hard to accept that I am a good mum and in every circumstance have tried to shield them from my tears, but also I allow them a place to rant to be able to express how they feel, allow them to tell me how they feel about whats gone on with me and I have been honest with them to the extent of how things have affected me in so far as alcohol used to bring me down etc etc the dangers of keeping everything bottled up, I have encouraged them to live there lives how they want to, to support them in there decisions and value there opinions, dreams etc etc

    Then here I am screaming inside feeling in so much pain it hurts to breathe trying to find hope when I feel everything is collapsing in front of my very eyes I'm scared I will fail my children I love them so so much and all I want for them is to live life to the full and tell them that all the time
     
  6. the black raven

    the black raven Well-Known Member

    Yeah my mum doesn't really care about us, well maybe she does, but she's not really good at expressing it...probably.... When you're in so much pain, just hop to our chat, I often logged there, we can talk and you can rant at me :)

    You won't fail your children, I'm sure about it, you are a good mother and I'm sure you will do well, despite all the pain you are in.

    *hug
     
  7. jell

    jell Well-Known Member

    I can't seem to get on the chat with my iPad only the computer so I will have to try it that way I think thank you. Hope to see you on there
     
  8. the black raven

    the black raven Well-Known Member

  9. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    I know your hurt too well. I have 3 young adult kids and a little one. I know your story too well. It has been and still is my story too. The hidden stashes of pills, the feeling of some sort of comfort in knowing I can use them whenever I need or want (and I have many times) and complete sense of failure when I come to in hospital and realize I was saved. My children say the same things to me. Their words are earnest and meant to make us feel better about ourselves. Unfortunately they tend to bring out what we see as our faults and weaknesses and make us look towards suicide even more. Guess I just wanted to let you know...you're not alone with your thoughts, feelings and urges of suicide. I understand.
     
  10. jell

    jell Well-Known Member

    Thanx it's cool somebody understands as the guilt is so so bad and trying to put your head in some sort of order is hell at times
     
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