I'm still struggling from my last attempt, I am not sure if it was impulsive or planned. Yes I'd stored stuff for ages and had been having thoughts for a long time, I had a crisis team involved a month before so to help me not end up ending up in a psych ward and being at home looking after my child, I then told myself just get to the summer holidays and then my child will go to his dads and I can then act on my thoughts, it was like it gave me breathing space so that's what I did he went away but I kept going for a little while, until I popped to the corner shop and there on the floor was some medication that I didn't know what it was, it felt like it was a sign that it was time, so I searched my flat for stuff I had hid and then took it all. Ok I was found and woke up very confused in hospital not sure about anything, I felt defeated as I was in supported accommodation my flat was then searched and they found so much medication around hidden in places I had no idea about, I felt vulnerable and upset, I feared for my child he is older so he knows not to take medication but the fact of how much they found that I did not know I had gave me such a shock I didn't realise any of it. I now am here feeling very alone and then two weeks later a freind of mine went through with it and succeeded she was so much younger than me and I ended up in a psych ward, I was able to go to the funeral and I can't get it out of my head, I really didn't want to be here and I keep seeing my children crying and the devestation if I had gone through with it, my children were so understanding when I ended up in the psych ward it upset me, when I spoke to my daughter, and I apologised as she had to go home at 1am in the morning due to my mental state, all she could say is it's ok mummy and it hurt like crazy, this haunts me so so much, so why do I want to take my life when my children long to be with me I feel so angry with myself so much I feel selfish, I am afraid to die for them but I am also afraid of living as I feel so much pain it's horrible everybody around me is planning future events and including me and I struggle to see the next day. I write down my accomplishments every day to try and see what I am doing even if it's just to go to the shop and not buy anything to damage myself with. I don't know where to turn, I'm scared of losing my son as he has built his life up with me which is a long story and my eldest says I have always been his constant, despite how i was in hospital for so many years without them it is really hurting right now.