I don't know my own son

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Fnord, Mar 22, 2007.

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  1. Fnord

    Fnord Member

    Hello.. I'm here because I have noone to talk to. Or at least not that I would want to tell about the self-destructive thoughts that have been troubling me recently.

    I feel like there's a huge hole in my life.. like an emotional wound that became a scab that can't heal. One that I slowly picked at, until someone tore it away..

    I became a father when I was 16. It really changed my priorities and everything in life, my son was just so amazing. I was with him every day for the first 2 years of his life, plus the pregnancy and at the hospital when he was born, but I did not sign the birth certificate. When he was 18 months or so old his mom and I split up (I didn't want to get married right away, she left me for someone) but we were on good terms, saying she'd never take my son from me. Then she came back a few months later, basically begging me to be with her (she needs me, my son needs me, etc.). I said no at first, but stupidly gave in.. wrecking a promising relationship I had developed with another girl. Next time I call her, I have a guy 10 years older than me (her new bf) threatening to kill me. What.. the.. fuck did I do. She disappeared with that guy (they got married 2 yrs later, I found the public record) and I haven't seen or heard from my son or his mom since then. Since 1998.

    So I have son out there, who's going to be 10 this year, and I probably would not even recognize him if I saw him. He should be able to remember me, if only vaguely. But there's just nothing I can do, supposedly he's been adopted. They could've just put a notice in the fine print of a newspaper, and that legally counts as getting my permission for adoption.

    I'm 26 now. I can't really cope with this. I had healed a little bit over time, of course it always bothers the fuck out of me, but at least I didn't feel like I was emotionally bleeding to death.. until now.

    After all that happened so long ago, I gave up on relationships (didn't stop me from falling in love once, but I couldn't let that go anywhere). Then all of a sudden just recently, I met this girl and we just went kinda crazy about each other. I lived by myself, she was bringing things over and officially moved in after I knew her for only 2 weeks. In short, she goes from saying she wants to have my kids and we were gonna get married (we had rings), to being extremely irritable and refusing to talk to me. She spent all my money and left (including the very meager money for my business). She told me she's bipolar (and not taking any meds). Her close friend of 6 years wouldn't leave with her and sided with me, in a way. But now I have 2 months of bills to pay on my own, I have to find a place to live, my business is effectively halted, and I have NO INCOME.

    But I'm just ranting. After going from having my son, to not having my son, to being alone, to thinking I might have a chance to have another child in a stable enviroment.. to seeing that there's no point in hoping for anything anymore.

    I feel pretty worthless, what could be more important than taking care of your own kid? I can't even do that in any way at all. I want to just enjoy what I have in life, but lately almost every day I think about dying just so I don't have to deal with such extreme highs and lows in life. I don't even want to die, I really want to make some kind of difference in the world.

    I just have to quit typing now. I don't know why I started but at least I feel a little different. Thanks and sorry if you read all this.
  2. Allo..

    Allo.. Well-Known Member

    Hey Fnord,
    sounds as though you've been through quite a lot.
    I feel sad at the thought of knowing you are not seeing your son, is there not some way you could get in touch with him?
    I don't only feel sadness for you, but for him as well. A father-son relationship is so important, and he is missing out on that..
    Well I hope at least he has some father figure in his life..

    As for this girl, it's sad that there isn't really much you can do..

    I hope this can all work out for you,
    And I pray you find your son.

    Sorry I don't have more to say,
    If you ever want to talk I'm always here,
    Don't hesitate to email or PM me.

    Take care,
    Ally _%
  3. Jodi

    Jodi Staff Alumni


    Welcome to the site, Im glad you found us......I read your thread, and I can really relate to some of your feelings....is thier no way for you to check into your sons wear abouts....I dont know....I mean legally, I dont know.....I really feel for you, and know how much it hurts, to want to be a parent more than anything to your child thats already out in the world.....hope you can feeel comfortable to lean on us...we're here for you....and if you ever want to talk, feel free to PM me....anytime.....hang in thier my friend.... :hug:


    ps.....so sorry about what happen in your relationship, hope your find some answers soon, keep us posted...
  4. deep

    deep Well-Known Member

    Sounds like you have been though so much is such a short space of time. And you can make a difference in the world by being you you sound like you have a warm heart and a good spirit. And your son will find you.

    I love you more with everyday and i will love you until my last breath and last beat of my heart as you are me.

  5. flclempire

    flclempire Well-Known Member

    man....that frugged up.....i personally would hunt her down if my woman (whom doesnt exist :D ) did that, but i wouldnt recommend it to ye. perhaps u should really live it up for like 2 years then adopt some 1 year old kid or something? it may not be your true brood but im sure the kid would appreciate it...
  6. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    I am sorry you had to live through all of that. It is hard when you become a parent as a teen. It sounds as if you truly cared for your young son and wanted desparately to be a part of his life. I do not feel what his mother did was fair to either one of you. The least she could do is let you know if he is being raised in a stable loving environment. You have as many rights to your son as she does. It can be a problem that you were not listed as the father on the birth certificate. I donm't know how much time and effort you would wish to spend tracking them down, or even if it would be in the childs best interest right now. Only you can decide that. I hope you are able to bring closure to this in one way or another. Don't completely give up on relationships because of the bad experiences you have had. Maybe the right one is still there somewhere. Allow it to happen if it presents itself to you.
  7. Fnord

    Fnord Member

    Thank you all for your support and kind words. It means a lot to me right now. There's really nowhere for me to turn. I don't like to bother my friends with all my troubles, normally I would just write on a blog to just have some way of expression but it's kinda pointless since there's no way anyone would even consider replying or commenting.

    I know I can't afford therapy.. or a doctor.. or a dentist.. or medication, if that would even help.

    I've been reading the posts on this forum, and there are some really wonderful people here.

    There is only one avenue I know of to re-establish contact with my son, and that's that I know where his grandma's house is. Honestly though I'm afraid to go over there and knock on the door, at least by myself. But I seem to have a problem with asking anyone for their help. But after like 7 1/2 years I don't know if she even lives there anymore.
  8. blossom

    blossom Member

    Hello you. Firstly take a deep breath.
    Do you have any idea how lucky your son is, to have a father as passionate as you.
    Maybe the really important part of your little lads life hasn't come yet and perhaps when he really needs you, he'll find you.
    The best thing you can do in the meantime is build yourself up, look after you so your son knows you can look after him.
    You can do this sweetheart, your all heart and soul, have a little faith, you'll be okay. and take strength and comfort where you can, as you already have, you smart cookie you. xx
  9. theleastofthese

    theleastofthese SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Dear Fnord;

    Please don't give up all hope. That's your depression making demands on your attention. Stranger things have happened than you finding your son again and establishing a relationship. It's not fair that your child can be adopted by whomever the mother married without first contacting you 'in person'. The law is remiss there. If it were me, I would go to grandmother's house and just ask about him. At least try. As for professional help, it sounds like you could use some. Do you have anything in your area that gives help/counseling/meds on a sliding fee scale? That would make it affordable perhaps. At any rate, don't give up or give in to despair. Your situation can change.

    I too found the members here to be loving caring people. They saved my life - literally - when I first came to this site.:smile: Please come here any time you need to vent or a shoulder to cry on. We're here to listen to you and support you. That's what friends are for.:hug:

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