Hello.. I'm here because I have noone to talk to. Or at least not that I would want to tell about the self-destructive thoughts that have been troubling me recently. I feel like there's a huge hole in my life.. like an emotional wound that became a scab that can't heal. One that I slowly picked at, until someone tore it away.. I became a father when I was 16. It really changed my priorities and everything in life, my son was just so amazing. I was with him every day for the first 2 years of his life, plus the pregnancy and at the hospital when he was born, but I did not sign the birth certificate. When he was 18 months or so old his mom and I split up (I didn't want to get married right away, she left me for someone) but we were on good terms, saying she'd never take my son from me. Then she came back a few months later, basically begging me to be with her (she needs me, my son needs me, etc.). I said no at first, but stupidly gave in.. wrecking a promising relationship I had developed with another girl. Next time I call her, I have a guy 10 years older than me (her new bf) threatening to kill me. What.. the.. fuck did I do. She disappeared with that guy (they got married 2 yrs later, I found the public record) and I haven't seen or heard from my son or his mom since then. Since 1998. So I have son out there, who's going to be 10 this year, and I probably would not even recognize him if I saw him. He should be able to remember me, if only vaguely. But there's just nothing I can do, supposedly he's been adopted. They could've just put a notice in the fine print of a newspaper, and that legally counts as getting my permission for adoption. I'm 26 now. I can't really cope with this. I had healed a little bit over time, of course it always bothers the fuck out of me, but at least I didn't feel like I was emotionally bleeding to death.. until now. After all that happened so long ago, I gave up on relationships (didn't stop me from falling in love once, but I couldn't let that go anywhere). Then all of a sudden just recently, I met this girl and we just went kinda crazy about each other. I lived by myself, she was bringing things over and officially moved in after I knew her for only 2 weeks. In short, she goes from saying she wants to have my kids and we were gonna get married (we had rings), to being extremely irritable and refusing to talk to me. She spent all my money and left (including the very meager money for my business). She told me she's bipolar (and not taking any meds). Her close friend of 6 years wouldn't leave with her and sided with me, in a way. But now I have 2 months of bills to pay on my own, I have to find a place to live, my business is effectively halted, and I have NO INCOME. But I'm just ranting. After going from having my son, to not having my son, to being alone, to thinking I might have a chance to have another child in a stable enviroment.. to seeing that there's no point in hoping for anything anymore. I feel pretty worthless, what could be more important than taking care of your own kid? I can't even do that in any way at all. I want to just enjoy what I have in life, but lately almost every day I think about dying just so I don't have to deal with such extreme highs and lows in life. I don't even want to die, I really want to make some kind of difference in the world. I just have to quit typing now. I don't know why I started but at least I feel a little different. Thanks and sorry if you read all this.