I don't know to feel anymore.....I don't know what to say.....

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by DarkenedAsylum, Jun 29, 2009.

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  1. DarkenedAsylum

    DarkenedAsylum New Member

    This is seriously getting out of hand. I hope that there is something left for me to focus on to keep me from feeling this way. I hope I can continue to move forward in life but there are far too many obstacles in the way. The biggest one being myself. My feelings, my actions, how I perceive life and the kind of people I have associated myself with.

    I'm 27 years old and have lots of responsibilities at the moment. Financially I am feeling the push/pull from real estate investments. That isn't even the issue though. I can handle that with no problem at all.

    My family on the other hand continues to make me feel like I'm insignificant, particularly my feelings. For the first time in my life, just yesterday, I tried to speak to my mom and dad and they both shunned me. Never in my $%^&ing life have they treated me this way. I got an arrogant response along the lines of "oh well, just keep trudging through life and you will find the right person!"

    How many more times do I need to be savagely hurt for them to understand me? I know the average person can say that they "don't care anymore" but deep down inside they are only lying to themselves.

    I'm not a cold-hearted person, I never want to make anyone feel horrible because I've felt that way myself. Do unto others what you want done to yourself.

    ...but just recently, after 2 months, I'm told that "we are in a downward spiral" and "I just don't know anymore". This is said to me via text message right before she is gong to her friend's birthday party. Malicious. How can I talk to her now with the fear of "you ruined my friend's party" looming?

    Not to mention that her unsure/indecisive feelings for me are worse than death....she's been detaching from me ever so slowly. I guess she feels that it is alright to treat me like I'm some kind of monster. So she breaks up with me over the phone on Father's Day. Here we go again. I have upfront conversation with her and tell her I cannot be friends.....feelings for her remain alive.

    She hangs up....then texts me early in the morning. I decide to respond. Then she ceases contact with me for a week.....only to respond to my call/text this morning: "I'm not ignoring you"

    So here I am....not a clue as to what's going on. I have the weight of the world on my shoulders. No friends (that I can rely on) my family is 2 hours away (and non-understanding). I don't know what to do or feel. I have my sister to focus on but her life has been difficult. When my parents are gone, she will be my responsibility. So I guess she's all I have.....please help me :sad:

    I don't have anyone to talk to (yeah, I know pathetic) and as much as I am going to see this through, I feel like at the end.....I won't be around. I don't have tons of money.....I am done with school. I can't stand all this negativity....%^&*

    I feel like I'm already dead. I feel like I don't belong here.
  2. reefer madness

    reefer madness Account Closed

    Some people, like your parents, just don't know how to deal with depressives. My parents never know what to say when I talk to them either, so I just don't bother. Therapists are good at dealing with these kind of issues though. You should think about seeing one.
  3. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support


    Sounds like you've had a lot of hurtful things said and done to you in a short time, and I'm sorry to hear how bad it is for you.

    I agree with you that it might be a bad time to try to talk to her about things when she might turn things around and accuse you of ruining her friend's party. But not replying right away gives you a chance to review the whole situation.

    From what you said, you've been getting along quite well with your gf...Except that she's been "detaching herself [from you] slowly". You say her uncertainty "feels like death" to you. That sounds very painful. Perhaps you can think about whether the uncertainty and pain are worth being with her if she doesn't think she's having a good time with you. At the very least, you deserve someone who wants you as much as you want her. (And, honestly, you seem to be a nice, intelligent person, so I'm sure there are other girls out there who would love to be with you! But that's probably not what you'd like to hear, right now...)

    As for the thing with your parents...Well, sometimes the people we expect to understand us the most put on blinders, wear earplugs or stick their heads in the sand - because they are too worried to accept that we're worried/upset. If you've had a good relationship with your parents up to now (and it seems you have!), I don't think they're trying to turn their backs on you. (In fact, since you were talking about real estate and such, is it possible they are simply giving you a vote of confidence by "not telling you what to do"...?)

    And finally, I know that when I'm emotional, I'm not as clearheaded as usual. You've had lots of things stirring you up, so perhaps just think things through tonight and see how it all looks in the morning?

    I hope things settle down for you. :hug:

  4. LenaLunacy

    LenaLunacy Well-Known Member

    I agree with Junkie Returns, my parents were hopeless when i told them how i felt. They acted like i was faking it to get back at them and they went mad. But i realised that, in their own funny way, they were showing they cared because they were scared, that their child was hurting so bad and they didn't know how to fix it. It's a worrying and stressful for parents to see their child go through this, and they care, no matter how they show it or dont show it as the case may be.
    I would advise seeing a therapist, as you can vent and ask them to listen to you when your parents may not. :hug:
    Hope things get sorted for you soon.
  5. DarkenedAsylum

    DarkenedAsylum New Member

    Thanks for all your responses. I appreciate the time you've taken to help me get through these tough times. You are my only friends and it makes me feel better knowing that there are a few select that realize how much all this hurts.

    Its difficult to stay motivated when you feel you don't belong. The loneliness I feel keeps growing bigger each day.

    @Cy: those are the most loving/kind words of encouragement that I have heard in a long time....I'm not sure why the people who supposedly care/love me can't treat me the way I do them....iif only I had someone like you
  6. LenaLunacy

    LenaLunacy Well-Known Member

    We're always here to support you and help you where possible :) Hope you have found our responses to help you.
    I know what you mean about having difficulty being motivated, i'm the same. It's hard but you've just got to throw yourself into everything you do to make it through.
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