i dont know *trigger or whatever*

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by The_Discarded, May 1, 2007.

  1. The_Discarded

    The_Discarded Staff Alumni

    Cycles. One damn repetitive cycle that I'm not strong enough or smart enough or equipped enough to handle anymore.

    I'm whining again. I whine a lot. I'm shit.

    They won't stop. Nothing will stop. I don't want attention.. I don't know what I want. I know it hurts, though. May as well be peeling off my fucking skin sheet by sheet everyday until there's no skin left to peel.

    May as well be beating me over and over again, Daddy. Go ahead, Daddy. I want the fucking chair to my back until I bruise so bad I can't breathe. Go the fuck ahead. GO AHEAD. I don't care. As long as it makes you happy.

    Mom. You do the same, please? As long as it makes you happy, dear.

    And while you two are at it, call in the rest of the world to screw me over. And I mean that in the most literal sense possible.

    And while the world's at it, I may as well join in. Can't beat 'em, join 'em, eh? If you can't beat them, join them? I will join them. I will join them and I will make myself cry again and again and again. And I will make myself bleed. And I will make myself laugh as I make myself bleed and cry because I am fucking hilarious when I want to be.

    Cover up the poor girl's eyes. She doesn't need to see this. I've already failed her! She's going to be FUCKED. The poor kid! I won't fuck anyone else over! Don't talk to me, for Christ's sake! Don't ever talk to me. I have a chemical on my hands and apparently it turns you immediately sick. I have a chemical on my hands and apparently it makes you hate the world. I can't get rid of it. It won't wash off. It just won't wash off. I want Mommy to get it off!!! I swear it's there. I swear I can see it and it burns and it's bright fucking green. And I swear to God it will hurt when you touch me. It's everywhere. It's in my words. Maybe I ingested it with my last OD. Perhaps. Ha. Per fucking haps.

    I bother people. I worry people. And oh-so unintentionally. I try to hide it, I really do. I gets too big, though. I'm not tall enough. I don't weigh enough. It won't hide behind me sometimes. It won't fit. So I bother people. Unintentionally. Did I type that already? What use am I?

    I just want to be helpful and rational...

    I'm breaking promisses again. Where is what I stand for? What do I stand for? Nothing at all.

    I can't fix it, world. For once in my life ther e is something that I do not have the talent or the wisdom or the instruction enough to fix! This isn't like bringing a fever down or figuring out math problems or paying the bills or stopping an argument between friends or breaking up with some shallow ass guy. This isn't like that at all. This isn't like any of that. Who the fuck forgot to prepare me? Who the fuck forgot? I want to hunt you down. Oh, wait, no. *I* forgot to prepare me. I will hunt me down until I'm gone. Until I'm... where is my courage? Do I even have the balls to get rid of myself? Do I even? I don't know WHAT I have. There is something in my head.

    I've tried everything. Exhausted options.

    There is just no help for some people. No hope. No help. There just... there's not. Nothing will fix it. Nothing. Things need to work properly. Things need to be fixed. They don't work properly, they frustrate me. Why can't I do my fucking essay for English class? I keep spelling these wrong. These things. Terrible fucking syntax. It's incoherent. I keep going off on tangents. It doesn't make sense. I'm a terrible writer. I'm a terrible student. I suck. I'm awful. My grades should drop to the grades I'm worthy of. Why do I do this to my brain? My poor brain. It's fucked. It wasn't. I was never dropped on my head; beaten, broken, and raped a couple of times. But never dropped on my head, so it wasn't ruined from birth or anything. I screwed it up on my own. Like everything else.

    This is so hilarious. Absolutely hilarious as goddamn hell. Laughing my fucking ass off. It's ridiculous. I am the most pathetic piece of shit there is. :laugh:

    God won't turn me off, damn it! Why won't he turn me off as I request every single day of my fucking irony-case of an existence?

    Fuck this life.

    Oh, but I'm just fine. Always just fucking fine. Who gives a fuck? I don't, no. I'm perfectly okay. Ha. I'm such a FANTASTIC liar. But no,r eally! I'm great, actually! Ecstatic! I don't even know if I spelled that correctly. I swear there's an 'x' in something. Wrong word, maybe. I don't know. I'm awful at everything I touch lately and I don't fucking care.

    I want out.

    Soon. :cry:
  2. Hazel

    Hazel SF & Antiquitie's Friend Staff Alumni

    There is so much pain and suffering evident in you thread, I hope writing it down has helped.
    You don't need to cover up how you really feel here, it's good to put your feelings into words...
    I hope that we can continue to support you.

    Take care Hazel xx