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I don't know what else is left.

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by iml08, Feb 3, 2009.

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  1. iml08

    iml08 New Member

    I've suffered from depression and an anxiety disorder for a very long time. Feeling so miserable all the time, suicide always appealed to me and I was looking forward to it... except the tremendous guilt I felt for what it would do to my mom. She raised me as a single mother and I was/am worried about what will happen to her after I'm gone. I used to find comfort in my pets and a confidante, but they're all dead now. I feel like I've finally reached the very end of my rope.

    Honestly, half of me sincerely wants to die - I'm just so exhausted from being stressed out and unhappy all the time - but there is a part of me that wishes things could get better. It's just that I've run out of hope. One bad thing after another happens and it's worn me down. I wish I could find a way to cope better, and get a break and make some money and be able to take care of my mom, but no matter how hard I try, I still fail.

    I've been trying to get a job but with this economy, I haven't had any luck. I couldn't even get a call back from the fast food joints. It'd be nice if I could go to therapy but that's an obscene luxury at this point. I've even considered prostitution but I'm not sure how to even get into that. Since I spent much of my adolescence sunken into depression or having panic attacks, I became very introverted with low self-esteem so I'm kinda lost putting myself out there like that.

    I have no money, I have nowhere to go. At the moment, I'm staying with some relatives temporarily which is a level of hell in its own right. I'm grateful to them for taking me in but being here makes me unhappier than ever. At first I thought, "I need to leave. I'm going to die if I stay here." but now it's like.. what's the point? I get out of here and go live on the streets and be trapped there instead? I'll still be broke, I'll still be struggling to find a job. What a difference. At least if I kill myself, I won't be another mouth to feed.

    I know there are a lot of people who are in similar or worse situations than me who've found a way to make it through, but I guess I'm just not strong enough. I just don't know what else I can do anymore.
  2. resistance

    resistance Staff Alumni

    You're not weak, it sounds like you're a strong person and i'm glad you're reaching out... why don't you like staying with your relatives? can you talk to your mum, perhaps she can help you in some way? do you have a doctor you could talk to about your anxiety/depression? how about mental health organisations? take care of yourself, we're here if you wanna talk more.
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