I don't know what else to do anymore

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Crazy_Diamond, Nov 14, 2009.

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  1. Crazy_Diamond

    Crazy_Diamond Banned Member

    In advance, a warning. Some people here won't like me. It's always like that. If you've been exposed to child abuse, consider reading something else.. Likely, some might want me to go. If I'm lucky, I'll get banned..

    Let me start out by saying I didn't ask for any of this.. I was just born the way I was. By "the way" I mean sexually and romantically attracted to children. I've known I was like this since I was 14, and fell in love with an 8 year old boy. A major depression followed, and I almost ended my life back then. I actually tried committing suicide, but the pills I took didn't work.

    Years went on, and I came to realize I would always be like this, that being with adults couldn't do it for me.. I fell in love more a couple of times again, always with someone I couldn't be with, eg. a child. At this point I believed that what i was could be compared to, f.x being homosexual, didn't consider myself mentally ill. After reading some pro-pedophila materials on the net, and actually reading the Kinsey report, I started believing it may be okay, and there was a chance society was in the wrong on this one. I was wrong.

    When I was 17 I was first confronted with the fact I was mentally ill. Until this point, I had considered myself in control. However, walking by my step-sisters room (I found her attractive, but never acted on it) I noticed her door was open, and glancing into the room, saw her half-nude in what was actually my first real-life look at a child's body, and.. something.. in me demanded to have it.

    I don't have any words for the sensation that followed, but I imagine drug addicts must feel like this. I felt a.. crawing, a wanting so intense, it felt like my entire body was being physically dragged towards her room. I struggled with it all night, trying desperatly to avoid doing what I had promised myself I wouldn't but eventually ended up in her room. Luckily, I managed to get back out just before I lost control.. Nothing happened, but my boulble was burst.

    The following day I confronted the principial of the boarding school (I'm home at weekends) and confesssed, asking to see a shrink. It was granted, but therapy didn't help either. I began noticing some of my own sympoms of childhood abuse though, but ended the therapy out of fear of what I might find..

    After several years like this, I started feeling desperately lonely. All my friends started dating, but I couldn't really bring myself to go out with someone my age. I had lost my virginity, to a 17 year old girl (I was 16), but I can honestly say It was actually pretty awful. Boys aren't my thing either, been there, done that..

    I don't know what to say, but the idea of having to be alone for the rest of your life is pretty overvelming. See, I *really* don't want to hurt a child, it's pretty much the last thing I'd do. And I know - fully well - that all that could ever come from acting on my desired would be a hurt child. I can't really deal with it.. I really want to be with someone, to be loved, but I know I would destroy anyone I got my hands on.. My only options seem to be abuser or alone. I don't really want either.

    What triggered my current depression (that honestly makes me want to end it all), is this wonderful boy I've fallen in love with. He's pretty, smart, and seems to genuinly like me. But it can't ever go further. knowing what could happed (me loosing control) I can't even just be friends with him. I won't risk it. And i honestly do love him..
    So. I don't see much reason to continue this incarnation. They say the meaning of life is finding true love. But I'll never find anything but my own demons..
    I hate myself for what I am..

    [Added after post]
    Another bad thing is the fear of what I might do. Ever since I learned not to trust myself around kids, I've dreaded the holydays, family gettogethers and the like, where people will trust me with their kids, and actually expect you to spend time with them. It doesn't help that most of those kids know and like me, and usually drag me to their rooms to play.. It's incredibly hard to say no, especially since my family would wonder what caused my change of heart (Since I always used to enjoy being around kids. Still do, just don't trust myself enough..).

    I'm "out" to some of my friends, but people usually just look at me funny, and don't know what to say.
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 14, 2009
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry ADMIN

    It took a lot of courage for you to post here.

    I'm glad you realize that you don't want to hurt anyone, and although I know it's got to be the most difficult thing in the world for you to do, you're doing the right thing by staying away from that boy. But I know hearing that doesn't make the hurt go away.

    I really think you need to get back into therapy. I know it's scary, facing the things that might be uncovered there. But you really need (and deserve) the help.

    If you ever need to talk, feel free to drop me a PM. And please, think about getting some professional help so that you don't get hurt, and so that you don't hurt anyone else.
  3. Tam

    Tam Well-Known Member

    I also think you are very brave for being so open and honest about yourself. You are in a situation where you're going to get a lot of judgements and bad feelings directed towards you - no matter how much it all seems natural to you. I have to agree with Wild Cherry, this is not something you can handle on your own, going back into therapy may be the best way for you to work out how to live your life without hurting yourself or anyone else.

    You've got my support, regardless.
  4. Crazy_Diamond

    Crazy_Diamond Banned Member

    The thing is, I've pretty much proven my own inability to "just watch" and stay away.. I'm considering ending my own life, again, because of that. I don't see how I can allow myself to live anymore knowing I could/will eventually hurt someone.. All it takes is one moment of weakness, because as I found out with my step sister, if I "give it" *anything* it gets nigh unstopable. I'm not confident in my own ability to control this.

    I don't need, or want, shrinks. I can't afford help like that. And I have no notion of shrinks actually doing any good...

    The essence of it all is that I think it would simply be the best and least hurtful way to make this all go away.. If I die, i won't *ever* ruin somebody's life, and I don't have to endure this. It's not just sex, not even primarily.. I just want to be with him. And I know I can't. I can't even strike up casual relations, because I'm not to be trusted. It's simply unbearable...
  5. Tam

    Tam Well-Known Member

    Maybe shrink isn't the right word. A counsellor, someone who is on your side, to whom you can say all the things you're not 'allowed' to say otherwise. And you yourself have said you were getting scared of what the therapy was starting to show you about what happened to you. Maybe that really is the way out for you, to come to terms with what's happened to you.

    You don't have to end your own life, that's not the solution, really it's not. It's a start that you can at least talk about this, even though it might be difficult for some people to accept it. You are in pain, that's a big deal, regardless of the reasons why.

    Sorry, I don't think I'm helping you much here. Just want you to know you I'm listening.
  6. Crazy_Diamond

    Crazy_Diamond Banned Member

    Listening helps more than you may think. It's really good to have someone not either just stare, or treat you like the worst possible scum, which is usually people's reaction.. I've had people actually encourage me to kill myself off.. I estimate there's around 50% chance of me getting banned from this forum. Just because.

    If I decide to live, maybe I will see that shrink. I have no idea how I could afford something as expensive as that, though it is actually possible to get treatment at our sexologist clinic, if you can get a "prescription" from your doctor..

    But yea, thank you for listening. It really means a lot.
  7. max0718

    max0718 Well-Known Member

    Hey crazy diamond,

    Your honesty is commendable and I genuinely believe you are trying to prevent yourself from doing something you'll regret. Now is the most important time or opportunity that you may have in your life. You are standing on the precipice and the decision you make from here is most probably going to define your life.

    I'm sorry, I don't mean to pile on and I'm sure you know how important your course of action from here is.

    You have to listen to what Wild Cherry and Tam said - you can't handle this yourself, and the thing is that you aren't just risking your life going without help, you're playing with other people's lives as well. You need to find help now, to both help you overcome these desires (or at least control them), and help you with the depression you obviously suffer from.

    I sympathize with you in that you say you didn't ask for these feelings, and as long as they remain only feelings I will continue to have nothing but sympathy for you. A person is defined by their actions, not by what goes on inside their heads.

    Take care.

  8. Crazy_Diamond

    Crazy_Diamond Banned Member

    I know how important my actions are.. I'm more than well aware that children can be mentally scared for life because of people like me.

    But there is no treatment for my condition. Cemical Castration is one thing, but since this isn't sexual (eg. when I had the compulsions incident I wasn't even aroused) I'm not sure I'd help..
    There is pretty much no way I can every be sure (on behalf of others) that I wouldn't eventually snap. And if I ever do, there's no turning bad. These things simply feel too good for you to stop once you've started.

    To make things worse, one of my primary talents, negotiation and agitation (talking persuasively) gives me another problem to deal with. Rationalization. It's hard to deny yourself something you *really* want when it's in reach, especially so if you can tell yourself there's nothing wrong with taking it. All I have to do is quote the Kinsey report f.x. and I'd *know* (...) it wouldn't be bad, that society, and not me, were in the wrong, eg.. I just can't take that risk.

    The only sensibly thing for me to do here is obviously to take my own life. I don't really like it anyway..
    And who knows, if my theories on reincarnation are correct, perhaps I'll get another shot. If there's nothing I'll have peace, and if any religion is correct I'll get to kick it's god in the nuts. Hard..
  9. max0718

    max0718 Well-Known Member

    The thing is that you said you're unsure. You're dismissing a possible solution without trying the treatment. Give it a shot. What do you have to lose?
  10. Crazy_Diamond

    Crazy_Diamond Banned Member

    I could hurt someone. You don't get it. I'm literally unsure I could resist if I had another "attack" I was - quite literally - centimeters from doing something terrible.. And with the Christmas season coming up, I'm going to be around kids really soon..

    Especially since.. A *very* big part of me just wants to say "screw it, I'm going for it".. Another part of me still believes the things NAMBLA and their like say.. The Kinsey report *is* out there, and well.. I want it to be true, and part of me believes it. This part is sometimes in control..
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 14, 2009
  11. max0718

    max0718 Well-Known Member

    I haven't read the Kinsey report, so I'm not sure to which parts you refer. And I do get that you want to commit suicide to protect others from what you might do. I understand the sentiment, but I don't think its the right thing to do. You can't expect someone here to give you the go-ahead, especially as this is a pro-life forum.

    What I'm saying is rather check into a hospital and give yourself a chance with therapy and/or meds. If you feel like you can't control these urges, then forgive me for saying you should be in the mental health system at the moment. I don't mean that as an insult, but as you yourself inferred - you may be a danger to others at this stage. Therapy may help you gain more control over the urges. And even if you feel it won't work, you yourself said that you're unsure about its effectiveness. That's why I said you should give it a try. Just see what happens. You can always make other plans later.

    Take care.

  12. Crazy_Diamond

    Crazy_Diamond Banned Member

    Apart from measuring things like how long it takes a pre-teen boy to come from oral stimulation (Seriously, there's a chart) he also "prooved" that most "abuse" victims turned out okay, and that the damaging factor wasn't adult-child relations, but use of force and coercion.. Which is pretty promising for someone like me.. Gives you hope I suppose. However, I'm not willing to take the risk..

    I've thought it over, and I'm giving it a try.. I'm not going to have myself committed, but I'm going to call the pedo-councilor line (There is actually one) and get advice on how to get treatment.. There's no way I can do it before next month though, as I'm to broke to afford phone time.. Next paycheck will help.

    Thank you all for listening.. I'll report back with what happens, if anyone cares.
  13. WildCherry

    WildCherry ADMIN

    People do care. I'm glad you've decided to get some help.
  14. Crazy_Diamond

    Crazy_Diamond Banned Member

    Well, okay..
    In that case, I have an acute challenge coming up - The holidays. I need some sort of method to make sure I can stay in control during the forced interaction with lots of young relatives.. I already have a deal with a friend that he'll turn me in if I do something bad (since I know I wouldn't have the guts to make those calls myself), but I need some prevention in advance..

    Perhaps if I decide to
    1) NOT be alone in the house with any children. Don't accept babysitter choirs, don't stay behind with the kids if the others go for a walk, eg.
    2) Don't touch AT ALL, no hugging, eg..

    I think that might do it..
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