In advance, a warning. Some people here won't like me. It's always like that. If you've been exposed to child abuse, consider reading something else.. Likely, some might want me to go. If I'm lucky, I'll get banned.. Let me start out by saying I didn't ask for any of this.. I was just born the way I was. By "the way" I mean sexually and romantically attracted to children. I've known I was like this since I was 14, and fell in love with an 8 year old boy. A major depression followed, and I almost ended my life back then. I actually tried committing suicide, but the pills I took didn't work. Years went on, and I came to realize I would always be like this, that being with adults couldn't do it for me.. I fell in love more a couple of times again, always with someone I couldn't be with, eg. a child. At this point I believed that what i was could be compared to, f.x being homosexual, didn't consider myself mentally ill. After reading some pro-pedophila materials on the net, and actually reading the Kinsey report, I started believing it may be okay, and there was a chance society was in the wrong on this one. I was wrong. When I was 17 I was first confronted with the fact I was mentally ill. Until this point, I had considered myself in control. However, walking by my step-sisters room (I found her attractive, but never acted on it) I noticed her door was open, and glancing into the room, saw her half-nude in what was actually my first real-life look at a child's body, and.. something.. in me demanded to have it. I don't have any words for the sensation that followed, but I imagine drug addicts must feel like this. I felt a.. crawing, a wanting so intense, it felt like my entire body was being physically dragged towards her room. I struggled with it all night, trying desperatly to avoid doing what I had promised myself I wouldn't but eventually ended up in her room. Luckily, I managed to get back out just before I lost control.. Nothing happened, but my boulble was burst. The following day I confronted the principial of the boarding school (I'm home at weekends) and confesssed, asking to see a shrink. It was granted, but therapy didn't help either. I began noticing some of my own sympoms of childhood abuse though, but ended the therapy out of fear of what I might find.. After several years like this, I started feeling desperately lonely. All my friends started dating, but I couldn't really bring myself to go out with someone my age. I had lost my virginity, to a 17 year old girl (I was 16), but I can honestly say It was actually pretty awful. Boys aren't my thing either, been there, done that.. I don't know what to say, but the idea of having to be alone for the rest of your life is pretty overvelming. See, I *really* don't want to hurt a child, it's pretty much the last thing I'd do. And I know - fully well - that all that could ever come from acting on my desired would be a hurt child. I can't really deal with it.. I really want to be with someone, to be loved, but I know I would destroy anyone I got my hands on.. My only options seem to be abuser or alone. I don't really want either. What triggered my current depression (that honestly makes me want to end it all), is this wonderful boy I've fallen in love with. He's pretty, smart, and seems to genuinly like me. But it can't ever go further. knowing what could happed (me loosing control) I can't even just be friends with him. I won't risk it. And i honestly do love him.. So. I don't see much reason to continue this incarnation. They say the meaning of life is finding true love. But I'll never find anything but my own demons.. I hate myself for what I am.. [Added after post] Another bad thing is the fear of what I might do. Ever since I learned not to trust myself around kids, I've dreaded the holydays, family gettogethers and the like, where people will trust me with their kids, and actually expect you to spend time with them. It doesn't help that most of those kids know and like me, and usually drag me to their rooms to play.. It's incredibly hard to say no, especially since my family would wonder what caused my change of heart (Since I always used to enjoy being around kids. Still do, just don't trust myself enough..). I'm "out" to some of my friends, but people usually just look at me funny, and don't know what to say.