I don't know what else to do

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Andrew1728, Aug 31, 2015.

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  1. Andrew1728

    Andrew1728 New Member

    My story is a long one. I've battled depression and anxiety for years and have been mostly successful. Lately, though, I've been thrown a curveball.
    I've grown up being raised by my grandmother. My father abused me when I was young and I have not seen him since. My mother has always been around but essentially useless - she has been a raging alcoholic and sometimes drug user since she was a teenager. After what happened with my father she let my grandmother take the lead to raise me and ran around partying and causing trouble, which mentally stunted her. Several times I have had to call the police on her during her drunken rages. She has several health problems which she has used to live off of the government and always play the victim card. And still, I love her. I love her because every once in awhile I'll get a glimpse of the person she could become and it gives me hope that maybe, one day, she could see it too and change.
    About two years ago she decided, after finding out she had cirrhosis, to get sober. And she did, she stopped drinking. But not long after giving up alcohol she was struggling to find something else to cover up her feelings and dull the pain so she turned to marijuana. She went from one habit to another. But still, as long as she had weed, she was calm. My life seems like its all been about keeping her calm and not angry, avoiding her horrible temper when she doesn't get what she wants or feels victimized.
    Everything has continued on this way until about a month ago. She was involved in an altercation where she was hit on the head (she's taken several blows to the head in her life) and it has caused major damage. She is not herself. She's extremely moody and volatile, impossible to please, impatient. I realize that this is all a result of the head injury, and something quite severe I'm sure, but it doesn't change the fact that having to deal with her like this reminds me of my childhood. As a child I was constantly in fear of what would happen if mom got angry. She would go out to the bars at night and I would sit up staring out the window waiting for her to get home, not wanting to be surprised but what might be about to happen. The sheer anxiety of having to live this way gave me an ulcer by the ripe old age of 9.
    Now we're back to that place. She's not drinking but her mind isn't there and her behavior is all over the place. I came home from work about a two weeks after her altercation to find that she had completely forgotten the last six months. Since then things have come back slowly but she's still unpredictable. My grandmother and I have tried to get in touch with her doctors and keep getting the run around. She's supposed to see a neurologist in a week to find out the official cause of everything. In the meantime they prescribed her Haldol to try and help with her mood swings. Its only been about a week so I don't think it's taken full effect yet.
    To sum everything up, though, I am a giant ball of nerves. I've started having panic attacks again after almost 15 years of being free of them. I have a giant ball of anxiety in my stomach almost constantly. I just feel completely hopeless. I feel like I'm never going to be free of her and her bullsh*t. I'm an adult and am so anxious to begin my own life instead of constantly worrying about hers. But I still live at home with my grandmother (who I love more than anyone in this world; she has also not had anything close to an easy life and it kills me to see her trying to deal with this in her old age).
    One of the problems is that my mother is always around. We've been keeping an eye on her to due to the head injury and so I can never escape her. I can't wait to go to work to get out of the house. I live in a very rural area so there is very little to do and I essentially feel like a prisoner of my life and circumstances. I'm not a religious person (though I do believe in God) but I have been begging and pleading and praying for things to get better. I just don't know what to do. I don't know how this is going to get better. I feel as though my mother is this enormous weight on my shoulders and I don't know when I'll ever be free of her and be happy. I've contemplated suicide several times over the last few weeks out of she exhaustion and being overwhelmed. I guess I just need some advice.
     
  2. Most

    Most New Member

    dont let anything tear you down. you can do it ^^
     
  3. Northern

    Northern SF Supporter

    What you do for your mother and grandmother is incredible. Be proud of it.

    Talk with your grandmother about what you feel. I think you need to get out of the house more. Maybe she will agree and you will be able to go entertain yourself without guilt.
     
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