... the situation i have been living through has boiled over instead of just simmering. i can't leave my husband, but i can no longer be his wife. i love him but i can't love him... not anymore. i close my eyes and i can feel the air vibrating with the force of the air from his screaming at me and my "goddamned think skull." i can feel that fear creep up my spine when i would pull into our driveway. but i also hear the pain in his voice and i crumble. i hear the anxiety over the phone and i step backwards and say it's all ok. i can't stay in chains and i can't leave in guilt. i have a lot of medical problems and i would have a very hard time making a good life for myself. i am partially dependent on him financially... substantially really. without him i could not afford the therapist who has been keeping me alive. i am trapped for so many reasons.... i have struggled for a year now to extract mysellf and build a life... it hasn't worked. i can't be the target anymore i can't be the therapist anymore i can't be the enemy i can't be the one to blame i can' make it better anymore i can't run.... i can't live in guilt and fear i have fought so hard to find another way... but there isn't one. i don't know what else to do.