I don't know what else to say

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Electricity, Jan 23, 2016.

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  1. Electricity

    Electricity Banned Member

    My life is surrounded by nobody but me. I've never had any girlfriends, because I don't think girls have the time to be messing around with complete loser, psychotic douchebags like me. I am just not a good guy, and I am not afraid to admit to that. My thought process is completely screwed up, and I can never think straight or with the same capacity as a normal person. I wouldn't even call myself depressed. Depressed is beyond just an understatement for me. I don't know what word to call myself. I sometimes am fulfilled, but at the end of every single day, that unfulfillment comes and takes me over. I never do anything, I'm just a lazy fuck who never fucking cleans up. I'm being currently placed on disability and don't have a job, or any money to buy myself nice things. I also dropped out of high school because I'm a loser. I did it in the ninth grade after failing it for a second time and just quit. I'm dumber than a sixth grader and my intuition is not even on a high school level. Meanwhile everyone I know and all my friends excel beyond me, and leave me behind in the fucking dirt.

    I have no friends to talk to, and nobody else to go to besides my aunt Tara, in whom is pissed off at me badly right now because I stole a hunting knife from her house which belonged to her husband. I like music and certain movies, but I can never fully satisfy myself with anything outside of that. The reason I like those things is not because they're simple interests, but because I use them as a way of escaping my fucked up reality and just mentally dose off and feel better. It's the only thing that works. I like love, but I don't know anyone who could show it to me. But love is very complicated of a term for me, because if it's a girl, I can love her, mainly in a sexual kind of way. But if it's a family member, I really would have a highly emotional compassion for them especially my little half brother.

    But I haven't had a single girlfriend since early 2014, and that wasn't even in person. It was just some long-distance relationship that only existed because she found me online and started talking to me. I've never had any real relationships. Every girl I tried to message on Facebook to hook up with always ditched me without even warning me about it. They just stopped talking to me without even addressing the fucking issue. And every time I tried to contact them they would act like I didn't even exist and would never respond. It upsets me that that is the way girls treat me. It's leading me into a life of misogyny and sexual repression. I hate women for the fact that no woman has ever took her sweet little time to say hi to me. It must be a fucking crime to be me, I guess. I don't know if its because I'm awkward or what (and I really am). But what I do know is that it wouldn't hurt for a girl to give at least five minutes with me in person. I'm tired of being alone. I HATE being alone. Every night I feel this way, because I am constantly reminded of the fact that I can't go to any parties, night clubs or anything with anybody, because nobody likes me. Even my mother tells me mistake. My father? Never there for me.

    I want to die, but at the same time, I am too scared to know what's out there.
     
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