About a year ago I started to feel really depressed. This got gradually worse over a period of 6 months. I look at the pictures of me in those 6 months where Im not smiling at all and you can compare them to my old photos where Im usually laughing and having fun. Then, in April this year, something happened that completely devastated me. I havent cried since I was 11 years old, but for a couple of months I cried myself to sleep almost every night. I cant describe this. It was just uncontrollable, painful, wretching and sobbing because of the pain I was in that would only stop when I was so exhausted I fell asleep. Im 27 and I hope you dont think Im being arrogant when I say this, but Im well educated (2 degrees in rational/logical subjects I might add), make a good living, am relatively good looking and have a good number of friends. But, I feel like I cant tell any of my friends. Firstly, because I dont think any of them would appreciate it. They'd all feel a burden or a pressure to respond, and I dont want to put that on any of them. If you tell a friend and then you commit suicide, that friend will constantly wonder if there was anything more they could have done. And I dont want that for them. Secondly, because they'd never understand how someone with such a 'good' life wants to kill themselves. Im pretty sure none of them have any clue of what Im considering doing. Except my mum. I can tell that she knows from the way she speaks to me. Theres a resignation in her voice that she can see whats happening to me but she doesnt know how or what to ask. Plus, despite all my friends, Im pretty sure that if I left home tomorrow and didnt contact anyone it would take at least a week, maybe two before I got a text, email or phone call from anyone asking what happened to me. I am completely unnecessary and unnoticeable in their lives. Theres actually one person Id consider telling for a variety of reasons, but for the past 3 months Ive been desperately trying to get in contact with her and she wont even acknowledge I exist. I cant tell her the reason why I want to talk, because I dont want someone to feel they have to talk to me because of the subject matter. In the past few months Ive tried really hard to throw myself in to certain things to make myself happier and feel less desperate and alone. Joining new sports teams or putting myself in new social situations. Each time, I fail and it just convinces me more that Im completely useless. I downloaded a suicide manual off the internet about 5 months ago and Ive been studying the various ways of doing it. Of course I recognise that by taking my own life I will transfer everything that I feel right now on to 2 people (my immediate family) in particular. But the alternative is trying to bear this pain for the next 40 years of my life until I die naturally. It hasnt gone away, its been just as intense yesterday as it was 3 or 5 months ago. I cant see how things are going to get better. My social circle is closed. All of my friends are getting engaged, married or having kids. If I cant improve my life now, when Im relatively young and have little responsibilities, I dont see how its going to get easier when Im 35 or 45. I hate having to choose between these two since neither is desirable. I honestly dont know what I want or expect from posting this which is why I havent asked any questions. I am normally so good at knowing my own mind and thinking through problems but I feel so lost and confused lately. I got here for what is probably the 3rd or 4th time and just felt I needed to post all of this. I know the rules of this forum state you cant provide advice, but I am determined to make sure that this will be a one time only thing so I dont live on in an even worse state than currently and I dont leave a mess for people to clean up after me. Id go to my doctor, but firstly hes been the family friend for over 30 years and my doctor since I was born. Im well aware of the hippocratic oath but I almost see him as a family member and again it puts him in an awful situation when he has to speak to my family when Im gone. Secondly, Im sure there are drugs that make you feel 'normal.' But some part of me thinks that needing drugs to feel normal just proves that there is something fundamentally wrong with me.