I don't know what I want

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by allison, Oct 7, 2010.

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  1. allison

    allison Well-Known Member

    I don't know what the hell's the matter with me. Maybe I just don't know what I want. Maybe I want what I can't have. That can't be normal, right?

    See, it's like this. For the past few months what I've noticed most about myself is that whenever my parents are with me, or ask me to stay with them just to spend time together (quantity time--not really quality time), I really don't like it. I almost hate it. Because I feel that I can't get anything done while they're around--they always want me to talk to them or just watch TV with them.

    What's twisted is that the moment they're gone, I don't feel that peace and quiet of finally being alone. I feel a really really deep loneliness. The moment they're out of the house, just after I finally manage to get away from them, I want them back because I feel extremely lonely, and then extremely sad because I'm lonely.

    Then when they come back home, all I want to do is stay in my room, away from them. Then they leave again and I want them to come back.

    Does this happen to anyone else? Is this normal?
  2. nolonger

    nolonger Well-Known Member

    This kind of happens with me.

    The thing with my family is that we don't show a lot of love. We swear and curse at each other regularly. And I'm not innocent of this of course :tongue:. If one of my sisters or brothers piss me off I usually shoot a volley of "Fuck off shit face" or "Stupid slut" at them. I think this is because I'm not a very happy person, one of the ways my depression expresses itself is in anger. I'm only ever seen angry or furious at home, never at school etc. I bottle it all up and then spew my vile shit out when I get home. Some things can just piss me off instantly and I'll feel fucking angry as hell, usually resulting in someone getting slapped or punched in the head.

    I tend to like it when everyone is out at some event and I stay home because I don't want to go(I'm in a family of 5 kids, so shit can get hectic and annoying at times). It's just really peaceful. I actually start talking to myself from time to time, LOL!

    It depends what mood I'm in. But most of the time I don't like my family.
  3. allison

    allison Well-Known Member

    Hm well my family isn't like that. We're pretty average--no huge fights or anything, just the usual arguments. Most of the time we just ignore one another even though we're in the same room... I've been feeling crappy for quite a while now but I've never told any of my friends or family about it. Sometimes I feel like I have moderate/severe depression or something but then I just think it's regular sadness--I can't really tell.

    Could depression be an explanation? LOL I dunno...
  4. stig

    stig Well-Known Member

    i'm exactly the same Allison. i miss my family when they go. after analising it, it goes back to when my father left the family. i would stay with him every now and then, whenever he dropped me off i would sit in the window and cry as he drove away. when trauma happens the left and right side of the brain stop talking to each other due to adrenaline. it puts the brain into fight or flight. so what happens now is when i get left, g/f , familt etc my brain reverts back to the age of 5 as it hasn't been updated as an adult. i'm getting counselling to learn how to update my brain.
  5. Daijou

    Daijou Well-Known Member

    I'm sort of the same way. Whenever one of my friends wants to hang out, we don't really end up doing all that much. It's usually boring and all I do is look forward to when they leave so I can be in solitude again. But as soon as they're gone, I start to feel a little bit lonely, and wanting some sort of company.

    For me, it's more about just feeling like I'm not so alone, and not so much the people that are around (although there are definitely types of people that I'd most certainly not enjoy the company of). Maybe it's something of that sort for you as well?
  6. allison

    allison Well-Known Member

    Me too, Daijou. I invite my friends over all the time. I'm excited for when they come. Then when they get here and we've hung out few hours, all I want is for them to leave. It's a complete nightmare when it's a sleepover because the next day, they're still there. Then they leave, and get really lonely and kinda wish they would come back.
  7. clouds

    clouds Well-Known Member

    Seems like life is a difficult balance and I wonder if we ever get it right, Im obviously a bit older than you folks who have just posted, but my daughter somtimes talks about the feelings you have just discussed..She is often openly desperate for us to leave(busy house 4 girls and 1-and 20mnth granddaughter)the house then starts txting me cause she is lonely.Like now she has just come back from being with her dad and I know the change back to home with us is hard..I suggest bringing friends here but then she gets fed up with them..Recently she has been able to speak to someone about her feelings and it seemsto be giving her more of an understanding of her feelings..Sometimes I think its just hard knowing what we really want and sometimes we strive for what we dont have and then once we get it think it wasnt what we really wanted at all
  8. Meander678

    Meander678 New Member

    I know exzactly what you mean, sometimes you just want somebody around but you dont want to hang out you wanna do your own thing, but then they're there so you feel all imposed upon.

    with me it usually only happens when bad thoughts or stuff come.

    just tell your parents you need them around but you also need alittle space, but not so much that they leave you by yourself. you need them there just in case.
  9. allison

    allison Well-Known Member

    Sometimes I feel like such a silly hypochondriac since I've been reading about people who feel this way--not wanting a person around and then the moment they leave wishing they'd come back. They say some of the things I feel are what those with borderline personality disorder have. Sometimes I'm so sure I have it then a moment later I keep telling myself I'm being stupid.
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