I don't know what I'm doing anymore...

I was doing so well all last week, good news, good laughs, good friends...then today I just crashed. I knew the good part wouldn't last long but normally something HAPPENS for me to feel like shit. Like an event that ticks me off, or bad news, or money problems...something.

But today, all it was was a simple nothing. Well okay, maybe not. Maybe it was the dozens and dozens of reminders in a conversation I held a smile through that I'm completely alone.

I've been feeling like I'm riding a rollercoaster of emotions since, but I can't feel the high parts anymore. Not for the last two hours anyway. I feel...lost, numb. I want to scream and cry and get mad but I can't because it won't do any damn good. So all I'll have done is just shed tears and made my throat sore but that isn't going to bring anyone back, it isn't going to fix this dreaded lonliness I feel.

I hate it. I truly do. I hate knowing there's this one thing out of control and I hate that there's no one near me physically who gives a flying fuck. I hate being reminded that other people are happier or at least less lonely than I am...and I hate that it reminds me of exactly what I don't have anymore. It's been almost 2 years now...I want the pain to end. I just want to be with him again, so he can hug me, hold me and tell me he never has to leave my side again.

I'm in pain, but I'm numb and it's so confusing that I just don't know what to do, or how to feel. Because I feel, but yet I don't. I've never felt like this before, I feel like my heart is being sat on and wriggled about with, and I feel sick because I can't stop it. I just had to make a promise to my fucking DOG that I wouldn't take my bottle of heart pills tonight. Who promises a fucking DOG?!

Help me, please...

 

Hello Phoenix,I can relate to your feelings. I've had the big relationship,the house,job "normal life"!! That's all gone then a brief relationship that's finished two years ago because of my anxiety issues. It's soo frustrating,the feeling that had I been normal I could have been happy.The loneliness is hard to accept and I could cry when I remember how wonderful it is to curl up with someone you love and loves you. I kinda get myself over that by reminding myself that I'd probably disappoint somebody in the long run so it's not worth the pain of dealing with the rejection that would ultimately follow. It's not silly promising your dog you won't do it!! Your dog loves you unconditionally and if it helps keep you going it's a good thing.I know it's ultimately not enough when your at your lowest but little reasons to face another day are not a bad thing. peace x

 

It's okay to feel how you do...life is so rough, the things that hit you can knock you down so easily, but you can always get back up on your feet.

Please know I'm here if you need to talk. <3 My email is also: Jessica-castle@hotmail.com

Take care. <3