I don't know what I'm doing.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by innocencexisxlove, Nov 8, 2010.

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  1. innocencexisxlove

    innocencexisxlove Well-Known Member

    Lately, I feel so lost. I feel so empty. Maybe it's because the one thing that means the world to me is twenty minutes away and I only get to see him two days a week... It really kills me inside.

    I feel like absolute sh*t right now... I don't know. With school and such, I just feel so busy, when all I want to do is to crawl into my bed and die...

    I probably sound stupid right now... I don't know. Sorry. Thanks to whoever wastes their time reading this...

    -Rachel
     
  2. dartofabaris

    dartofabaris Well-Known Member

    It hurts a lot, knowing someone you adore is not very far, but for whatever reason, you cannot meet more often than you'd like. Sounds stupid? well, if so, then it makes the two of us in this boat, ill grab the other oar. :)
    Seems like you'r not too content with your schooling either, something bothering you there or you just feel like you dont fit into any particular crowd?
    ...i prefer wasting my time like this than doing anything else atm...:duck:
     
  3. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    who is this person that you want to see? Your son? Your boyfriend?

    Maybe there is a way you can see him more often.

    If you are feeling suicidal, it might be best to try to cut down on school work, or take a break from school all together.

    Checking into some therapy or meds might be worthwhile
     
  4. innocencexisxlove

    innocencexisxlove Well-Known Member

    It's my boyfriend. I'm in highschool, so it's not exactly like I can quit HS.. And I'm in this early college program, which has me taking college courses as well. And I can't really break from that either. It's the stress from all the schooling thats getting to me. I feel trapped with no options. It's my moms rule that is only two days on the weekend... It's really killing me... And I'm afraid to tell him, cause it'll upset him..
     
  5. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    It sounds like your mom is putting some pressure on you to achieve (?) and not thinking about your health and well being.

    It's ok for you to stand up to her and tell her it's too much and that it is harming your health.

    Maybe you can talk to a school councilor about what is going on.

    Getting some therapy and spending some more time with your boyfriend would probably be better for you than trying to force yourself through an accelerated academic program.

    If you can't work things out, one thing to do is to just rebel. Don't study as much, or just fail.

    I think it would be fine to pursue the accelerated academic program if that were what you truly wanted for yourself. I think it's wrong to be forced through something like that though.

    Is your mom a total dictator?
     
  6. innocencexisxlove

    innocencexisxlove Well-Known Member

    She really is. I mean, this program is really good. I take college and hs for my junior and senior year. then the "13th" year i take just college. I graduate in '12 like normal and I get my associates degree in '13. And it's all paid for, free for me. So it really has its benefits.

    I've just been so stressed all my life.. I mean on top of schooling, I'm in a Youth Council which is now meeting every saturday from 10am-3pm. And I have National Honors Society where I have to get so much service hours (and maintain a good GPA, which is effected by my college classes), and I'm in Varsity Choir, and then I'm doing the musical this coming winter. I'm in over my head in activities.

    I mean, when I wasn't this busy, I had too much time to think about killing myself and such... But now I have too much?? I don't know. I'm totally lost. It's like no matter what I'll be unhappy.

    I had therapy. But it was just no help. And it's not like I can really fit it in anyway. And I don't have time for a school counselor either. I swear, I barely have time to breathe.
     
  7. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    Do you feel like you would be able to confront your mom, or that confronting her would do any good?

    What happened with therapy?

    A school councilor or therapist might help you in talking with your mom about what is going on.

    Are there teachers or the directors of your activities that you think you could confide in? Maybe you could tell them that you are being pushed into these things and you are in over your head.

    Maybe you can drop at least one of your activities, not asking your mom for permission to drop them, just drop one.

    Maybe you could skip one of your activities (or even a class) and see a school councilor.

    Going to family counciling might be better than therapy. Your mom probably needs to change even more than you do, and if you can get her to go to a family councilor maybe she can change.

    Maybe it would be good to drop all of your activities, or at least Youth Council and NHS.

    I hope that you can work this out!
     
  8. innocencexisxlove

    innocencexisxlove Well-Known Member

    I don't think I would be able to. I've never been close to her or anything. I don't as if it would do an good either. She's pretty set in her ways.

    My therapist said I got better. I didn't need her anymore... That was fine with me because I didn't exactly care for her either. Not to mention my mother hated the fact that I went to therapy. She hated wasting money on it. Overall is just wasn't helpful.

    I really see no way out of this. I have to do this program. It's like, my only option.

    The sad thing is, I ENJOY the activities.. But I'm also so stressed out, it doesn't seem like it. The only bad thing in my schedule is school. But I can't get rid of that either.

    My mom DOES need help.. My dad has even said it. But she won't budge at all..

    I hope I can do this too... I guess I'm just way too stressed out.. And it's pushing me to the edge.
     
  9. DeepEmz

    DeepEmz Well-Known Member

    Hi Rachel,

    Thanks for posting. Your mother sounds like a very serious, strong women. What about if you sat her down just the 2 of you and spoke to her? Or what about writing a letter?

    Sounds like you are doing very well for yourself, congratulations. I also think you should have a talk with your boyfriend about how you feel, you never know he may react better than what you think.

    xx
     
  10. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    Do you know the reasons why you are depressed/suicidal? Is it stress from work, your mom?
     
  11. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    Can't agree with this. These sound like words of praise, but a mother who is pushing her daughter to achieve even if it means pushing her to the brink of suicide is to be condemned. Being selfish, controlling, and abusive is not the same thing as being strong and serious. I don't think this is something that she is doing for her daughter, but rather relates to her own objectives.

    I think this is a big problem. I think that generally if someone has good grades, money, ect., society in general tends to think "everything is ok". You can have all academic achievement in the world, but if you are miserable and want to kill yourself, what good is it?

    I think her mom could be seeking vicarious glory by pushing her daughter to "succeed".

    I think that a good and loving mom who was emotionally balanced would be more concerned about her daughter's health and emotional well being. I think that she would be a lot less controlling. I don't think she would be angered by the thought of her being in therapy. Her mom sounds like someone who has a serious problem that she won't acknowledge, and who is making her daughter suffer because of her own pathology.

    sorry if I've gone on a rant here, I guess because I've had controlling parents who tried to push achievement for selfish reasons at the cost of my well being, it just sets me off.
     
  12. innocencexisxlove

    innocencexisxlove Well-Known Member

    I know how my boyfriend will react. I tried to have a conversation with him before similar to that and it didn't go well. As for my mother, well talking with her does no good. Writing a letter wouldn't do anything either.. It's just no use.

    I know why I used to be. It went away, but now it's back... I don't know. It very well could be the stress from my workload... I don't know. Yesterday I had a PreCalc test.. I didn't go because I couldn't. I was going to blow my face off and cry. So I emailed my prof.. I hope I can retake it. If not, I'll fail, which will bring down my GPA, and I'll get kicked out of NHS, and my life will go down the drain...

    Don't worry about the rant. I understand... She really does have a problem and I think it's killing me..

    I really am at a breaking point here... I don't know what to do anymore.
     
  13. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    Can you talk to your dad? Talking to your teachers might help too.

    I don't think it's the case that you have no choice and that there is nothing you can do.

    If you just refuse to do so much, no one can make you. The way it's going, it sounds like you'll just crack and not be able to do anything anyway. And it sounds like that may be happening now already (precalc).

    Fixing this situation could make all the difference in the world for you. I think that you could get to a place where you are only doing a reasonable workload, maybe doing some but not so many acitivities, and having more time with your boyfriend.

    To get to that place, it sounds like you need to talk to some people (school councilor, dad, teachers, ect.). Just giving in to your mom's pressure until you break sounds like a really bad idea.

    If you skip an activity, you may have time to talk to a school councilor to talk about your situation.

    If you have the guts to do it, you could tell your mom you're going on sit down strike unless she goes to family therapy. Your mom may be really intimidating to you, but you may have more power to resist her than you think.
     
  14. innocencexisxlove

    innocencexisxlove Well-Known Member

    Ha I don't think I could ever stick it to my mom... She gets so unrulely.. Almost acts like she's 5 when she's upset.

    My dad isn't around much. He doesn't do anything around here accept sleep and work midnights.

    As for teachers... Well yeah I don't like any of them enough to wanna talk to them. They just, idk. It's hard to explain.

    I haven't been to precalc in like four weeks... I could get into major trouble if my mom found out...

    I just.. (here I go crying again), I don't know what I'm doing. Thus the title of this pointless thread. I'm sorry. I really appreciate your time and efforts into helping me though. It really means a lot :hug:
     
  15. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    oh, I'm sorry this is going on :console: :console: :hug: :hug:

    Can you think of anyone that might be able to help you? Relative, friend, parent of a friend, etc.?

    ok, so teachers are off the list.

    activity leader?

    would your dad be of any use if in principle you could get a hold of him to talk?

    maybe skip something to make the time to see a school councilor? maybe even just a half hour or hour to explain what is going on and look for a solution.

    is there a grand parent or aunt that you could stay with even on a short-term basis just to take off some of the pressure.

    failing a class may seem like the end of the world, but it's not.

    seeing another, better therapist might help, even if you saw one for just a single appointment, to explain the situation.
     
  16. innocencexisxlove

    innocencexisxlove Well-Known Member

    Don't be :hug: But thank you.

    I talk to my friends all the time. And they console me as best they can... But lately, I've been shying away from friends because I haven't had time.. And I haven't wanted to really see anyone lately...

    Activity leader... Well I could think of maybe one, but I don't know what to even say... She is a former teacher of mine... Idk though.

    My dad is of no use. He basically has no back bone... Which is sad.

    My counselor (we have so many kids at my HS that we have four counselors, assigned by last name) is ridiculous. I hate him so much. He is absolutely SO unhelpful, he just pisses me off lol. I don't care for him. None of the other counselors are that appealing.

    I can't stay anywhere else during school. And let me tell you, it sucks. I'd love to get a way for a bit. The idea came up once during a summer by my Aunt... And she never came through with it. (She lives about four hours away anyway).

    I hate therapy.. I just never have cared for it. Maybe that's my problem.

    Failing a class could mean the end of many many long awaited acheivments(sp?).
     
  17. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    ok, cross off dad and the councilors

    ok, so the activity leader is sounding good. So maybe you could start off with something like, "I'm having some trouble, and I don't know who to talk to about it. . .could I talk to you?"

    This would get things started, and things might come out mushy and jumbled, but maybe you could get the main points across.

    yeah, so, maybe you could talk to your aunt too.
     
  18. innocencexisxlove

    innocencexisxlove Well-Known Member

    I don't know.. I mean, I think I'd just feel awkward talking to her about these things... It just seems weird to me.

    My aunt is a no. Because that was like three years ago, before my Grandma that lived by her died. They were going to arrange something... But now that she's dead it would never happen during the summer. Plus my Aunt isn't who I thought she was...

    People change, and so does the world. Maybe I need to change too.
     
  19. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    yeah, I understand about the seems weird part.

    She seems like the only person though who could help. Could you contact her via email? Might seem easier that way.
     
  20. innocencexisxlove

    innocencexisxlove Well-Known Member

    I guess I could... But I still feel weird about it... Like I honestly don't know what to say.
     
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