I don't know what I'm feeling anymore

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by shanpanwan, Dec 28, 2013.

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  1. shanpanwan

    shanpanwan New Member

    I have recently come out of hospital after attempting suicide. It was my first attempt, although I have had many thoughts about it before in the past. I told everyone, friends, family, doctors, crisis teams, that it was a mistake and that I will never do it again. However, after coming out of hospital, I keep thinking about doing it again. How can I go from occasionally thinking about it as a last resort, to having it be all I can think about.

    The attempt could have worked if I didn't seek help, <Mod Edit, WildCherry: Methods>. It wasn't thought through and it was the only drug in the house at the time. If I didn't go to hospital, right now, my liver would be rotting away, killing me. Do I regret going to hospital? Maybe. My life isn't bad though, I'm confused why I want to end it. I'm a self harmer and have been for years, maybe self harm isn't working for me anymore. Maybe this is all just a cry for help. I feel like I'm screaming, I feel like crying all the time, like I have no where to run to. I'm so angry at everyone and everything. I really hate myself at the moment. All I want to do is get drunk and swallow a hundred pills. Why do I feel like this? This isn't me
     
  2. mpang123

    mpang123 Well-Known Member

    shanpanwan, I can relate to the first paragraph you wrote about surviving an attempt and then thinking that you would want to do it again. I struggle from that often and I think I'm insane. But my fear of really damaging my organs and have to survive that and suffer the pain of the aftermath prevents me to do it again. There's no guarantee that the attempt will be successful or not, and I don't want to take the risk. I still process about it here and I hope you will feel comfortable in sharing about yourself here, too. I look forward to your further postings. I wish you the best.
     
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