I don't know what I'm still doing here

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by WanderingStar, Oct 22, 2009.

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  1. WanderingStar

    WanderingStar Account Closed

    The world isn't a fair and honest place. Sometimes the bad guys win, sometimes the good die young, but we all have power over our own lives in the end. I'm not a good person. I'm a horrible person that does horrible things to good people. I've always known the world would be that much better off without me. A host of people I couldn't count on two fingers would live happier lives if I had a bullet hole in my head. I'm sure many of you can understand how I feel in thinking that the world would be better off without you, so what's keeping me here? The world may not be fair, but if I die and those people's lives get better, wouldn't that make it just a little more tolerable? Maybe I'm so terrible I can't care enough to rid themselves of me. But I have to do it. I've cried so many times over what I keep doing to people again and again and again and I know I won't stop hurting people unless I can't anymore.

    I have never sought professional help and only once have I attempted to make my problem known to someone who could help. Unfortunately I thought my father would have been a good choice which was a mistake. Now I'm a failure and crazy in his eyes. I can't reach out again, it took me three years to work up the courage to do it once and I was stronger then than I am now. The longer I'm alive, the more isolated I become, the more pain I feel, the less motivation I have to seek help, the less resistance I put up in fighting off the need to splatter my brains against the ceiling. The longer I'm alive, the worse things get for myself and everyone around me. It shouldn't matter how long you live your life. It's not about fighting your disease and living to be eighty. Even if I were capable of doing that, how could I live with myself knowing what I am? I don't want to spend the rest of life repeating the same mistakes knowing no one can help me but me. Because I know I'll never make that choice.

    I'm hopeless, I'm a monster, I should die. No, I don't care how my parents will feel. I know my mom will be devastated, but my dad already thinks I'm less than human for having a fucked up brain. Guilt is meaningless to monsters and dead people anyway. I can't attend college, I can't hold down a job, I live off my emotionally abusive father's money. My life feels like a living hell and I hurt the people around me. I have no friends, no passions and no future. So, I guess my point is,

    I don't know what I'm still doing here.
  2. Tobes

    Tobes Well-Known Member

    The first thing you should do is see a doctor or health professional about how you feel. Do you feel depressed? Is there some horrible thing in your life thats affecting you, or is it just because you hurt people and live off of your dad?

    I wholeheartedly doubt the world would be better off without you. You must have something good to offer, everybody does. find out what this is, and cling to it, because it's probably all you have right now. Keep posting here, unless you want to be a dickhead and be mean to people. In that case, you aren't welcome. I only say this because you yourself admit to hurting people. I hope that you choose to be cordial and kind around here, because there are a lot of people in a very fragile state and some are worse off than you are. You have a father, albeit an abusive one, to help you. Some of us do not.

    You should go to the let it all out forum and have a rant, get some of that pent up anger out of you. It'll do you good, and will prevent you from getting angry at someone who doesn't deserve it.

    Other than that, I recommend you look for the good things about you and your life, and focus on them. Living is always better than dying, unless you are morbidly sick, which you are not.
  3. Tam

    Tam Well-Known Member

    Why do you think you are horrible person who does horrible things to good people? I can't for a moment believe that you are as terrible as you think you are. Do you feel up to explaining some more about that? It sounds like there's a lot going on between you and your father - is it that HE's telling you you are no good, and you end up believing him?

    I can't agree with some of what Tobes has said, but one thing I do - post as much as you can to tell us what's going on, get as much of it out as you can so it's not staying all bottled up inside you. It does help.
  4. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    I would like to know more about why you think you are such a bad person..Everyone has a good side to them.. Maybe you have held on to those negative thoughts for to long and have lost your way..You can get help but you have to want it...Please tell us more so we better know how to support you..
  5. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hey your right your mom would be totally devastated If you were gone I think you are older now you need to go to doctors yourself and get help. You can just tell the professionals your problems okay get some therapy some medication so you can become strong and live a life of your own. Please keep reaching out for help glad you reachout here
  6. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    You are not a horrible person. I have learned my anger makes me feel like I'm a horrible person.

    Please call crisis. If you can't turn to family, tell crisis what you have told us.

    Please keep posting here. We will walk with you through this.

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