I don't know what is going on...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by SweetTearsOfDeath, Apr 10, 2011.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. SweetTearsOfDeath

    SweetTearsOfDeath Well-Known Member

    I'm so happy with my boyfriend. He makes me feel so amazing and so lucky. I get home and I feel worse.
    Last night as he was driving me home I spaced out, as I usually do when I am in cars. He leaned over and took my hand in his sweetly. I jumped and freaked. It scared the living crap out of me. He asked if I was okay and I could barely mumble, "Yeah, I'm fine.." We pulled into the driveway and I couldn't move. It took so much so get out of the car as I almost fell. I got through the door and I fell right after I closed the door. I couldn't get up. I couldn't move. I couldn't speak. Only babbling came out... My throat choked up so I couldn't speak at all. Everything started hurting. I felt completely dead inside. I couldn't think or feel any emotion. My brother came over and asked if I was okay, and poked me. He is a few years younger than me. I am fifteen. My tounge was sticking past my teeth and I'm sure I drooled all over myself.
    I finally blacked out for a while. I woke up and I was laying in front of the door. I felt completely fine. It took me a few hours to remember what happened.
    It was scary looking back at it. I have no idea what happened.
    I used to say that my room was the only place I want to be. Now, I don't even want to want to enter my room to get something. I rather sit in the corner and not talk.
    I'm barely eating or taking care of myself except when I get ready to see my boyfriend. My parents are concerned for me. I don't care. I just look at them and then space out more. I can't think any more. I feel dead.
    As happy as I am with Kris, I want to take the bottle and random pills I have on a shelf. I don't understand why. I wrote a long suicide note to everyone I know. I'm afraid of loosing him and afraid that I will loose everything. I'm afraid to go back to how I was. Depressed and hurting myself. I carved into my skin with a dull and rusted razor blade. My ankle now says Perfect. Why? I'm not sure. I don't want to be perfect. I had perfect. I feel like my life is almost perfect. Besides my family upset with me and failing school (I'm testing out in July to go into college. I'm currently a sophomore in highschool.)... Besides my body starting to fail... My life is perfect.
    Yet, I want to die. I want to swollow the huge ammount of pills I have (Which are heavy ass pills from my psychiatrist.) and just die... I don't understand this.
    I just want to die. For good. Just die and never come back. I don't want to live. I don't want to become an adult and live or have kids. I just want to die. I don't belong here. I feel so... Wrong. Every one looks at me funny. I don't feel like I fit in anywhere.
    I'm so close to commiting suicide it's not funny. I feel awful for even thinking about doing that to my boyfriend but... I feel like I have to. I feel like everyone would be so much better off with out me. I almost murdered my brother not to long ago. I wasn't just angry or pissed. I was so so so so close to just beating his face in and cutting him up. I WANT to go to prision or the mental institute. That is where I belong. Not at school and out on the streets...
    I just have no idea any more about what is going on... Help...

    -Poppy
     
  2. ali 56

    ali 56 Well-Known Member

    Hi when you are not eating properly you get very exhausted mentally and physically and it gets very difficult to fight for your life which you very much deserve. Pills is not an answer to life trust me, you have a lovely boyfriend and he would be devestated. Try and switch off from these thoughts this forum will also help you and be a distraction. Take care Ali
     
  3. Ritsu

    Ritsu Well-Known Member

    Hi there I don't know if I can stop you I hope I can so I will start with what led me to the same thing you are thinking of doing now and caused me to try it then explain why I will never do it again.

    Well it started for me when I was diagnosed with MS which got me down but I was coping with it from there I decided I would just do as I pleased because my life was shortend due to the illness so I started with traveling drinking and deciding not to bother quiting smoking cause I just wanted to enjoy life but then I started to get big debts and such which was ok I was coping because I had my partner she was keeping me happy and I love her but last month she passed away and well my brain works like a wolfs deep down and she is my soul mate and when a wolf losses its soul mate the other wolf usually follows which is what led me to attempt this way but it failed since it failed last week I was thinking why it failed what porpuse did it failed why could I not be with her like I wanted so theres my story heres my reasons why you should not and my advice.

    first of it is not painless like they say it hurts a lot and if it fails you will end up with tons of problems with your body second the people you leave behind will be in so much pain and agony its unreal I have seen the pain it causes first hand due to my attempt, and last of you are so young you have so much to look forward to.

    ok heres my advice it comes in the form of a question one used in a movie actually it has a hidden meaning but its simple red pill or blue pill do you chose to fight stand up say life is worth living I will fight for it ((the red pill)) or do you chose the blue pill lay down and give up for me it was simple I looked in a mirror I asked myself what she would want and I just screamed fight I do it every day and it helps me so much.
     
  4. Lestat

    Lestat Well-Known Member

    Hi. I wish I could give you the right words to help you. To me it looks like your big problem is your not eating and I guess not drinking. When you do this (which I also have) its very hard to think clearly. You also get dizzy and hide away. Please don't do anything to hurt yourself. Use this forum like we do to get help. Pm me if you need to talk.
     
  5. SweetTearsOfDeath

    SweetTearsOfDeath Well-Known Member

    My boyfriend I am sure will be devistated... I feel terribly about that. Though, it doesn't seem to be stopping me. I feel like a bitch that I did that but... For some reason I seem not to care... I love him. I swear to god. Up and down I love him. I hate to leave him... I'm just afraid I will loose him. I don't ever think I could ever live through that.
    He is amazing. He is perfect for me in every way. His family loves me and my family loves him. If I don't do this I will either loose him and be dead inside and devistated or get married to him. I love him. I just hate thinking about leaving him...
    He reffers to himself as a wolf. He says a wold describes him perfectly, and it's true.
    I know, I should be eating more often and all... Just... I just don't. I love eating and it's not that I think I'm fat or anything. I don't care if I'm fat or skinny. I'm actually quite fair. I just do not eat. It's quite strange.
    I keep ignoring my friends and staring off at things in the distance and hearing my friends try to talk to me and have to end up shaking me to get my attention. I don't know what is wrong with me. I just...
    I just want out.

    -Poppy
     
  6. Ritsu

    Ritsu Well-Known Member

    Poppy please please listen to me it is not worth it it hurts it sucks and its not guranted to work and if it doesn't it hurts even more life is worth it please ask the question take a look in a mirror and ask will you fight for what you want if hes a wolf then he will never leave you wolfs mate for life.
     
  7. Lestat

    Lestat Well-Known Member

    This sounds like your just not eating and not drinking. Your pills are all thats keeping you going. Eat now.
     
  8. SweetTearsOfDeath

    SweetTearsOfDeath Well-Known Member

    I know, I should eat. I ate some more today... I was just over at the boyfriend's house and we were laying down while watching Animal Planet on the big screen...
    All of a sudden there was sharp pain in my stomach area and was very consistant. He asked if anything was wrong from the look on my face and I shrugged it off and said no while cuddling next to him so he wont see my face... While he was driving me home it just got worse. Almost unbearable... I couldn't tell him, I didn't want to freak him out or scare him so I just made my hands into fists while one arm hugged my body... He took my hand in his and I was so close to breaking his hand, he had to pull over and pull my hand off of his and ask me what was wrong. I just shaked my head and said nothing. I should of told him, I know... But I didn't.
    As we said goodnight it spiked harder than it had and I almost doubled over. Asked one more time if I was okay... I said I'll be fine and managed to get through the door.
    OF COURSE! My parents aren't home and I'm on my bed in a ball... In pain. It hurts so bad. It's a sharp consistant pain and I have no idea what it's from. It hurts so much...
     
  9. SweetTearsOfDeath

    SweetTearsOfDeath Well-Known Member

    I am listening to you, I just... I feel like it's the only way. I don't want any more pain (mental) or loose any thing else... I'm so scared I don't want to go back to how I was... I can feel myself getting mentally worse and I don't want my boyfriend seeing that. I already put so much weight on his shoulders, that he claims I'm doing everything just fine for him and not putting anything on him... I can't manage to do this to him. What about my mother? She holds me back from talking to my psychiatrist because she wants me to not end up like her or worse...
    My grandmother is so worried for me because of the ammount of pills I take... She is so afraid that something might happen to me.
    I'm not. I'm in a lot of pain right now but I refuse to see a doctor.
    I just don't know x.x Also, sorry I type so much...
     
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.