I managed to make a mess of things again. I have involved my church in a paniked effort to get emergency funding..and I failed. I have scared my friends and I have let my wife know of my suicidal feelings. She actually didnt get mad as I thought she would. My friends at the church have helped us out financially so much in the past. To ask again, well, was not only stupid, but quite frankly arrogant. Now I am afraid to show my face there. I have practice there tomorrow night. How do I face these people? In the meantime, the stress and pressure and anxiety of all that crap that led me down towards thinking of death again, IS STILL THERE!! I think I maybe bi-polar. I have had several complete nervous breakdowns where my entire body shakes and I become lightheaded with the shear volume and intensity of my crying. On the other hand, as in right now, I am relatively calm, and my suicidal ideation isnt as strong as it was 2 hours ago. Now I have to decide if I should quit the praise band. I mean..how can I show my face there?