I dont know what this is

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Im here, but nothing stays or means anything from my own point of view. When someone else talks to me or I turn on a song, I can slightly put substance to whats going on, but when it relates to me, Im grasping.
Im in a relationship but it's gone more or less. All I feel now are deep feelings. My thoughts feel so hazzy and negative, its like theyve been whittled down to dust.

The worst is the only way I can keep going is to change my perspective all the time. This confuses people, and makes me run around in circles. But I need to keep moving in som fashion, it's just today im .. idk. It's weird, like parts of me can't keep up. My thoughts arent including everying, im not taking into account alot of things. My feelings are at best instinctual almost. I feel almost dead but wired at the sametime.

I literally have to stop thinking, because I have a pretty depressive past and present, and future in my heart, but Im not that. So I have to and always have fought it off and do my best to never accept it. But it's so tiring to feel and think the same fears and issues first. Even thinking about spending an hour plus with a friend makes me panic because I dont have that much positive energy in me. I feel like im sourcing who I am from negativity and that just that's killing me.

Im sorry I literally this is the only way I can figure stuff out by posting, I susually figure it out in the moment or atleast something to bounce me forward. Im going to go eat and do something thatll make me smile.
Maybe that's it. Maybe im just fighting a cloud of depression that's very large, but simple things can make me feel better. Wish I felt better when I was with people though. Oh i wont be picky, not now atleast.

But yeah. I really need some clarity i think. Just an idea to summerise this. It used to be a failure to accept it in any regard, but I worry because its making me into someone thats going to be alone forever, and I cant really take that. I dont want to be on my own but IM really making myself so self protected that it's killing everything. Im killing everything ... no...no im not. fuck its hard to see the other side to this crap. I have to remember when I had prospcects in the past, and force myself to apply them to now. I gotta stop and go eat. Thanks for reading if you do. And if u reply Ill .. try to get back into this wavelength. I just am not the same because I dont feel any anchors in life anymore. Ill try, maybe ill just, re-read my post or whatever...

total eclipse

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Staff Alumni
Keep posting i too find posting brings some clarity to my thoughts rereading post help me too i do hope you continue to find things that bring you joy no matter how small hugs


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Do you believe in thresholds? I keep remembering and seeing things in life that are happy. I used to be, where everything was happy, where if something destructive happens I would respond with a smile and try to just work with it. I mean like if someone or something accidentally did something that was bad, I wouldn't get angry or frustrated.
I feel like im on the flipside of it. Like im looking at things as seeing the better side but not being in it. That im drawing from negativity and responding with more and more of it. To be fair I feel inbetween the two but more drawn to the depressing points.
Maybe it's just the environment im in. But im having trouble accepting and connecting with the better parts of life. I know they exist, but.. I don't know what's going on. I feel surrounded inside by darkness if that makes sense. Doesn't take much for me to go either way, but who I am inside is always the same. I just feel very small in a very large existence.
I wasnt this bad months ago. I was bad but not like this. It's hard for me to believe I am a good part of this life. Infact I seriously don't feel I am in alot of ways. Maybe that's why.. maybe I need to confess my own personal indisgressions so I can move past and work to undo the bending i've let myself do. Or maybe Im just being ultra sensitive and my perception on this is skewed. I feel like im full of a black perception and I dont want it near anything thats lovely or beautiful.

:( idk I get into arguments and it's horrible. I cant even begin to explain how it feels. I just watched an argument in a movie and I felt crazy inside. it's hard to explain, but i think that's part of what's making me feel like this. It shakes me to the core. Its like i cant let anyone in there for some reason. Idk..

im really tired of everything reminding me or making me feel like shit. Well I suppose it's really just me reminding myself and making myself feel like this. Maybe that's just who I am. Selfcentered or something.

This shits a joke, this is not living, how the hell can you live if your prepetually focused on yourself. I just need a break but i cant feel or find it. Well I know I have to make it happen.


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I really can't keep taking this. I can pick myself up but I fall so much further everyday. The only thing stopping me is hurting the people I care about now. All the other reasons are fading away like everything else. It's only a matter of time now..
I've never felt so useless and low in my entire life. And everytime i get out of it I fall even further into a uselsssness state.
Do you know what I have to do now? I almost know i have to end my relationships as far as personal ones because I need to make sure that they're not thinking about me in anyway on a personal level.

Ive destroyed my life, and everytime i eventually feel the truth of her words of every failing leeching horrible thing that I am. She may be right, maybe I should just go and die.

I cant get that shit out of my head and heart, and alot of it was said to all my fears and personal failings that she knows about. Yah... I suppose I want her to know that no matter what Ive done, I didnt dserve those words. You're a foolish girl who uses and lies about personal issues to get what you need. Funny how a useless deadbeat person like me ended up with you. Was I a life force for you to bounce from and learn from?

I cant even get a fucking job to leave this house. fucking waterfall keeps racing in my had.
I am not the same person I was months ago. You destroyed and tainted all future hopes for me with you abusive direct assualt black EVIL fucking NASTY DISGUSTING manipulating irrational waves of backlash. I cant evn hate you and I dont know why.

I cant stand another day of being here :cry:
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