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I Don't Know What To Call It

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by Purple_Thorn, Dec 23, 2015.

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  1. Purple_Thorn

    Purple_Thorn Well-Known Member

    When I was 16 I had this boyfriend. My first boyfriend. My first kiss. The first guy to tell me that he liked my eyes and that he thought I was beautiful. We went out for about a year and a half. And near the end, he just wanted so much more than I can give him. Every time I tell this stupid story I have to say, "I wasn't raped." Because... I wasn't. But I don't know what happened. I know he touched me and talked about things that he wanted to do and I tried to get away. And when he did things, he did it without my permission.
    I finally got it to stop when I started crying one day and complained that I couldn't tell my parents. The fucked up part? It wasn't the first time I had cried because of what he was doing to me.
    About a year later I did tell my parents and they send me to my bishop (I was then a part of the LDS faith) and he treated it like it was my fault, like my parents, and just like him
    Now, five years later, I look back at this whole experience and realize that I said no. I did every thing I was taught to get away from a bad situation and it didn't work. What's worse is that I was punished for it. And now, I've been diagnosed with PTSD because of it. Nightmares, flashbacks, avoiding situations where I could see him (even though we live in the same town, it sucks), and it's just so bad.

    I just want closure, I want to be okay. But I feel like I can't do that if I can't label what happened to me. I can say that it was bad. That (at the time) I didn't deserve it. That I blame him for a lot of my problems. But I can't give a name to the Trauma.
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi there, I am so sorry for what you went through and I am disgusted by the way you were treated by everyone. You did nothing wrong at all.You said no, that is rape, there's no, ifs or buts, you didn't want it or allow it. The man that raped me lives in my village too so I can relate a lot to how you feel in that regard. I think you should try and get closure by either reporting what happened to the police or going to your local rape crisis centre, get counselling. You are not alone in this. The man who raped me was never brought to justice, I did report but years later so there was a lack of evidence. Please talk to us more, I can certainly relate. Best wishes to you hun and gentle hugs.
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  3. BipolarGirl (Deathplease)

    BipolarGirl (Deathplease) Well-Known Member

    I will tell you rape is "the penetration, no matter how slight, of the vagina or anus with any body part or object, or oral penetration by a sex organ of another person, without the consent of the victim" Sexual assault is sexual contact or behavior that occurs without explicit consent of the victim. Sexual assault includes rape so whatever actually happened it was sexual assault.
    You are not to be blamed at all, I can guarantee that. I am sorry that this happened to you.
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