i dont know what to call this - some s**t trig

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by kath, Aug 10, 2006.

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  1. kath

    kath Well-Known Member

    Fed up and no words describe how desperate i feel so why even bother writing........i may as well be spending the time acting on my feelings rather than trying to find adequate words which are never quite adequate enough.i cant do feelings without actions these days and its more actions that i intend,more pills i will find tonight and take and one time i will SUCCEEED at this my suicide.........i will succeed...............

    Anyone want to judge me im in the mood to say go ahead tonight.Cos im hurting and i know the world is losing me anyway and im angry that people think its ok for me to be alive and also be in this pain.Thats what people are in effect saying when they try and lecture me,try and keep me here.Thats what in effect they say.That its ok for someone to be alive and to have to live in this pain?That is ok.i dont think so.

    Dont tell me its ok for someone who is taking masses of tablets a day most of the time to have to be alive in this pain and that they should be here and made to live.

    People may tell me about the few in my life i'll leave behind.And it is very few.But even withthose that are i have done my best to stay alive and salavage their feelings for ages now.i have tried that.They turn their backs on me when i most need them.Now it is time for me to look after me................why should i have to live in this pain if its so imporatnt for pain to be avoided inothers?Does it not matter as longs its me in pain not them?Does it not count when im in pain.?im supposed to stay alive to avoid causing others pain.Well ive tried that.And during that time all ive experienced myself is pain both emotional and physical.If its ok for me to have to be in pain then its ok for them too or is it just that i was right and im worthless so noone gives a s**t about me and when im in pain.......................

    i am taking masses of tablets a day most days and it doesnt help having people talking about the future to me cos even if i do get to tomoro which is genrerally as far aheaed as i can look then it is stil a long way away in my terms so when people start talking aobut next week etc it takes me mick in my book in my situation..........thats masses of tablets down the line if im still here.i might be.i might not be.At the mmoemnt i dont care.But dont peopoel see this.??

    im going out soon to get more.i need more.i am angry and i will swallow that anger inside myself cos it tears me up,i will chuck it down my throat and swallow and cry and be upset.Thats what i'll do.But none of the people in my life see the distress i go through as i take those pills each day so its alll gonna be ok cos noone will be any the wiser so they wont have to deal with my pain,it wont overwhem them or hurt them [as it does me ] so there wont be any need for them to run away.They wont know,that pain will be all mine.................

    Take care
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 10, 2006
  2. Katerinna

    Katerinna Active Member

    Hugs, PM or IM me, let's talk. I care about you and don't say that doesn't mean anything, because you were there for me.
  3. Luliby

    Luliby Staff Alumni

    Kath :hug:

    I care. I know your hurting and in pain and I don't want you to be in pain. If I could wave it away like magic I would. Well, I don't have magic but there are some things we can do to CHANGE the way you feel. And I can't make you not take those pills but I can encourage you to stop. I can point out that it's not helping.

    You don't have to be taking pills for me to be concerned about you. You don't have to be suicidal for me to care abut you. You are a great person Kath. You have a tender heart and very often you are very encouraging to others on this forum. You just have to tell me your hurting and I believe you. You just have to tell me the pain is unbearable and I can feel your heart. You just have to say everything feels hopeless and I am moved to compassion and desire to bring you hope.

    But Kath, I cannot make you stop taking the pills. I cannot make you treat yourself with the same dignity and love and compassion as you treat others. I cannot make you feel better. What you feel is what you perceive and YOU are the one making it. If I asked you to think about an armful of little kittens, their soft furry faces and mews and their fragile little bodies in your arms, trusting you and needing you for food, love and support. You can pet them and they brush up against your hand and press their face against yours in affection. I want you to really imagine an armful of kittens, right now. Smell them, feel them and pretend its real. HOW DO YOU FEEL RIGHT NOW?
    When you are thinking about soft fuzzy loving kittens in your arms HOW DO YOU FEEL?

    YOU made that feeling. You selected new thoughts, in this case thoughts of cute cuddly Kittens, and then you FELT differently. You didn't feel as much pain, loneliness, anger, unjustness, and hopelessness while you were thinking about fluffy furry faces rubbing their cute little heads against your cheeks and hands. (Wouldn't it be great to actually HAVE a handful of kittens right now!)

    The more you think about your pain and hurt and anger and loneliness and the unjustness of it all the more intense those feelings will become. Because emotions feed emotions. However, if you change your thoughts or actions you can change your emotions. I can't do that for you Kath. I can just remind you that you have the power to do that. If you think imagining kittens in your arms can change your mood try the real action of it. Actually FIND and HOLD real kittens in your arms.

    Ok, so maybe there are no kittens nearby, maybe you need to go to a pet store or a neighbor and pet their dog. LOL. The point is if you think differently you can feel differently. If you change your actions you can get different results. Taking pills has not made you happy. It's not working. What you need is something that can really work, something that can really lift your spirits and help you live today with purpose and self love.

    I know you like books. I think you get the listening library books, right? When your reading a book your away from your troubles, your experiencing emotions resulting from the story.

    I am not minimizing your pain. I KNOW you are hurting. I know this is very very difficult and that the only way you can think to cope with this is by taking pills. But there is a better way. I want you to try and change your mood either by changing your thoughts or your actions. I really want you to try Kath and I'm cheering you on. Whats the worst that can happen? It doesn;t work so you try a different thought, action etc.. You may find something that actually brings you relief from this pain and I am praying earnestly that you do find something to help you through this.

    no one on the forum WANTS you to hurt and be in pain. When we ask you not to self harm and not to suicide we are not asking you to endure a life of hardship and pain. We are hoping you will make the changes to embrace a life of joy and hope. Because you CAN Kath. That is what we want for you, joy and hope. It's not easy and changing your thoughts and actions and old habits and patterns will not be easy. You have been hurting yourself and hating yourself for so long it's going to take some time but you can do this Kath. I know you can.

    Let me know how it goes. Let me know what thoughts you've changed or what book your reading and how it has changed your mood. How about this... what is the most happiest memory you have. When were you the happiest?
  4. kath

    kath Well-Known Member

    i dont feel upto replying to all of this right now.i feel too ill to be quite frank.

    Not that my truth matters anymore,not to people in my outside life,not to people on the internet..........nobody wants ot hear my truth anymore.

    So why should i be bothered.i'll just go back to bed.

    i never find adequate words to help peolple underswtsnd me anyway bit when it gets to the stage where you know noone anywhere in your life wants to hear the truth of your situation or your pain then you khoow its just not worth it no more.............
  5. Luliby

    Luliby Staff Alumni

    Kath :hug:

    TELL ME! You said, "nobody wants ot hear my truth anymore." I WANT TO HEAR THE TRUTH KATH!


    I'm listening, I care about you and I won't judge you.



  6. Kath, my dear dear special Kath,
    Please don't leave me, :blub: i need you, i love you so so much, i care for you, i hate what you are going through daily, i hate it so much, i wish i could wave my magic wand and make the pain go away forever, but i can't :( I wish i could, i really do. I will stop you, you know i will, its funny how i say this when i am planning too, a bit stupid saying this, but i do not care, Kath, you have helped me so much, ever since i joined i think, i love you so so so! much, you are such a heartwarming caring dear to me, and to so many others, so most this forum, you are special to this forum, we can't let you go because you are here with us, and have helped so many, and you are going through a tough time, and we want to help you as much as possible, and keep you alive, give you a hope that something can come out of your life, you may not believe it, but trust me, helping is enough to keep you alive isnt it? Helping so many like you, keeping them alive, giving them hope too, making some of those feelings go away, supporting.. caring.. talking... the only reason why im still alive is because i dont want to hurt anyone, even though im hurting my family as im alive because of all the times ive tried and how i talk, but id hurt them so much more if i killed myself, and ud hurt me alot if u died, i know this is selfish, but i want you alive, not dead, ill do everything i can to stop you, Kath, you know that.

    I love you so much, i care and need you, i really do, or i wouldnt be posting this and taking time to either, ok?
    :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:
    I love you! :cheekkiss:rose:
    Please dont go away from me, dont leave me, dont leave me by myself!
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