I Don't Know What To Do Anymore

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Player1LFG, Apr 27, 2014.

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  1. Player1LFG

    Player1LFG Member

    I've been holding on since my second attempt 6 months ago, and I'm wondering why I haven't let go sooner.

    My roommate had me rushed to ER after an overdose half a year ago, where I stayed in psych for a month. They told me that once I got out, the sky would be blue again - and I've just sunk lower.
    Ever since I got out, I've been grabbing at nothing. I lost my job, my apartment, I guess the one thing I didn't lose was friends considering I didn't have any - my roommate was having an affair with my partner and I was just pretending that none of that was happening. Since then, they moved to New Zealand - so communication has pretty well ended there.

    I live in a small town of 30,000 - 60% are over the age of 65, and out of the 180 people in my graduation year I've only seen a dozen who stuck around. There are no jobs left for me, believe me I've tried. I've worked in motels, gas stations, convenient stores, game rentals, computer repairs, it was a miracle I was able to pay rent - I boarded with a co-worker because all the jobs we have only give us enough hours so that they don't have to give us medical or vacation time. I tried working two jobs - they just cut my hours harder so that both jobs amounted to the same hours I was getting before, and made scheduling a nightmare. I've tried everything since then and the job center has told me to find some friends and move up north, there isn't hope.

    I thought I could take the time to go back and finish highschool - I got pulled out after my mom got arrested, my parents had to get restraining orders after what she tried to do. She ended up getting custody of me after telling the judge that I was autistic, something that's been in my records since I was 8 and I've been trying to get removed. After that, I lived in a mental health center at the coast because she said she couldn't take care of me and my education's been off since. I've taken remedial courses, which have been denied for cheating - they claimed that someone with 'my condition' couldn't possibly attain the grades I had, or in the time I was given. After many failed attempts at getting into college classes to finish, it took me getting a case worker and having them enroll me as 'disabled'. I didn't exactly agree, and I thought it'd be alright considering it was the only option I had to get in - but it's caused more problems for me that solutions.

    I see a psychiatrist once a week, after going twice a week for the past few months. I don't really get anything out of it anymore, they've tried to tell me to 'make a support group' by making friends - something I've never been good at. I've looked through the community center flyers and town events or classes, they're all daycare programs and fitness programs for 50+, so I don't qualify. I don't know how or where to meet people, I can't remember the last time I went out in the day. Usually the anxiety of being around people breaks me down, I've had police escort me home more than a couple times because they mistook my anxiety for suspicious behaviour, I often worry if that goes onto some sort of record because they always require my information - it's not like I'm choosing to go with them. He keeps bringing up my family, how my siblings haven't seen me in over a decade and I haven't met my nephews. I've explained that I've messaged them, emailed them, if I had their phone numbers I'd call - they don't get back to me. My mother told me to give up about a year ago, considering she talks to them and told me they have nothing to say to me. She hasn't spoken to me in over 6 months - I no longer have her number, I think it's been changed. I once got in contact with an older nephew, they said they didn't know who I was and they were never told they had another aunt. I didn't know what to say. Now my appointments stem around how I should plan to make a family, something that repeated miscarriages when I was 'stable' has lead me to believe I can't do. Where is the logic in that? I don't know people, my ex-fiance left nearly 5 years ago, and there's no chance of re-kindling that considering they moved to Japan. If I can't support myself at the moment, why is my psychiatrist talking about starting a family?

    I've been to 3 separate therapy groups, none covering the support I needed. They just grouped me in with other issues because they didn't have a suicide recovery program in this town, so I sat in on AA Meetings and those groups women go to after they've had nasty divorces. If anything I felt worst, I sat in a room full of people talking about how much support they're getting from their children and extended family and I'm some faker who's never been married and was placed there to build a support net from people who don't require me around and already has support of their own. After that group ended, they said there's nothing else they can do for me - all other programs are full, and there isn't help.

    I'm stuck. I don't know what else to do. I'm going nowhere and I'm worst off than before. I'm running out of time, I don't know how I'm going to get by next. What happens to people with no family or friends? At least before I felt that if I died I'd upset people, and that held me off for years - but now, there aren't. If I die, nothing happens.

    Part of me wants to live again, because what I'm doing right now doesn't feel like living. I feel like I'm already half dead, and I don't know how to get out. I'm trying everything. I can't stop thinking about ending it, I have entire weeks alone with myself between trying to get out of here and back on my feet and I can't stand being around myself anymore. I've called for help where they rehabilitated me 6 months ago, there's no room.

    Where do I go?
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    I have deleted all of the replies to this thread as the discussion of illegal substances and/or how to obtain them is forbidden here and won't be tolerated. Please consider this as a warning.
  3. Player1LFG

    Player1LFG Member

    Thanks for the feedback, and thank god I didn't get banned from a suicide forum - that would be just pathetic.
  4. Alen

    Alen New Member

    I'm banned from another depression forum that I've never even visit before. It's ridiculous, I felt like it was a sign to do myself in. They should really be careful about banning
  5. Player1LFG

    Player1LFG Member

    Welp, sure didn't help my case. I came here because my psychiatrist said there was nothing more they could do for me, my 'homework' was to go out and make friends - which as an adult in a cliquey town is next to impossible. I tried going to the community center today and checking out their classes, but it's a retirement community so I have to be over 50 to attend. Next, I tried to community college which is a complete joke - they offer no classes other than remedial highschool. Later in the afternoon, I looked through the phonebook and cold called people from my grad class (even though I never passed) and either they didn't remember me at all, didn't have anything to say to me and thought coffee would be awkward and inappropriate, or they're married with kids and have no time and yet again barely remembered who I was.

    I'm sorry if the marijuana thing was inappropriate - the first thing I read on the site was that I shouldn't make excuses for the advice I'm being given. Where I live, it's perfectly legal - most of the people in the psych ward with me were given it by doctors, so I wasn't aware that it was classified as illegal here. My bad. Why I was asking where is because I'm unemployed with no income or peers, and no family doctor - I thought it was a legitimate question. I guess where ever this forum is based has different laws in place. Again, I had no idea. I was under the impression that the people posting responses were giving legitimate answers.

    I guess this is the wrong place to go for help? Do I have to make friends with the other posters first, like in most other online communities? Jesus Christ, I can't even function properly online.
  6. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Eccentric writer, general weirdo, heedless heathen

    I've heard all the old cliches too, that doesn't always make them true, though. Happiness is hard to attain, and it's not just something that happens spontaneously. People who aren't depressed will never quite understand what you're going through. They can empathize, to a point, but they won't know what it truly feels like unless they've walked a mile in your shoes. I know how small towns can suck, especially when you feel isolated. It can be hard to make friends, and harder to keep them. I know I get discouraged when people reject me, or worse, when I let them into my life and they betray me. Sorry to hear that people don't seem to be giving you a fair chance. You seem like an interesting person to me, but like you said, it can be hard to become friends with anyone who acts cliquey. Though those people probably wouldn't be much fun to be around, anyway.

    I also have unsupportive family and haven't met my nephew, which is one reason I'm staying alive, though I may never get the chance to be in his life. So I can relate to a lot of what you're saying. Sorry if any of this sounds weird or unhelpful--my attempts at reaching out are awkward, which is probably why I don't have any friends. :p But I just wanted to let you know that you aren't alone in how you are feeling, and that there are supportive and caring people here who would be willing to be your friend. Though it's not the same as being friends with someone in person and getting to spend time with them and actually talk, it still is nice to know there's someone at the other end of the line and you're really not completely alone. I don't know for sure what will help you, because I'm trying to figure that out in my own life, but I hope you are able to find the answers soon.
  7. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi hun-no this is not the wrong place to go but on the issue of weed. It can't be discussed here because it is illegal in most countries. You can make friends here,post here, we are a tight friendly community, I don't believe your psychiatrist when he/she said there is nothing more they can do. There's hundreds of things they can recommend to help you. Brainstorm :) xxx

    Also-just saw your signature,I agree that it may be the case a lot of the time.
  8. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    You are very welcome here =) And we are always extremely careful about banning. If you can just go by the guidelines you'll be happy here =)
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