I've been holding on since my second attempt 6 months ago, and I'm wondering why I haven't let go sooner. My roommate had me rushed to ER after an overdose half a year ago, where I stayed in psych for a month. They told me that once I got out, the sky would be blue again - and I've just sunk lower. Ever since I got out, I've been grabbing at nothing. I lost my job, my apartment, I guess the one thing I didn't lose was friends considering I didn't have any - my roommate was having an affair with my partner and I was just pretending that none of that was happening. Since then, they moved to New Zealand - so communication has pretty well ended there. I live in a small town of 30,000 - 60% are over the age of 65, and out of the 180 people in my graduation year I've only seen a dozen who stuck around. There are no jobs left for me, believe me I've tried. I've worked in motels, gas stations, convenient stores, game rentals, computer repairs, it was a miracle I was able to pay rent - I boarded with a co-worker because all the jobs we have only give us enough hours so that they don't have to give us medical or vacation time. I tried working two jobs - they just cut my hours harder so that both jobs amounted to the same hours I was getting before, and made scheduling a nightmare. I've tried everything since then and the job center has told me to find some friends and move up north, there isn't hope. I thought I could take the time to go back and finish highschool - I got pulled out after my mom got arrested, my parents had to get restraining orders after what she tried to do. She ended up getting custody of me after telling the judge that I was autistic, something that's been in my records since I was 8 and I've been trying to get removed. After that, I lived in a mental health center at the coast because she said she couldn't take care of me and my education's been off since. I've taken remedial courses, which have been denied for cheating - they claimed that someone with 'my condition' couldn't possibly attain the grades I had, or in the time I was given. After many failed attempts at getting into college classes to finish, it took me getting a case worker and having them enroll me as 'disabled'. I didn't exactly agree, and I thought it'd be alright considering it was the only option I had to get in - but it's caused more problems for me that solutions. I see a psychiatrist once a week, after going twice a week for the past few months. I don't really get anything out of it anymore, they've tried to tell me to 'make a support group' by making friends - something I've never been good at. I've looked through the community center flyers and town events or classes, they're all daycare programs and fitness programs for 50+, so I don't qualify. I don't know how or where to meet people, I can't remember the last time I went out in the day. Usually the anxiety of being around people breaks me down, I've had police escort me home more than a couple times because they mistook my anxiety for suspicious behaviour, I often worry if that goes onto some sort of record because they always require my information - it's not like I'm choosing to go with them. He keeps bringing up my family, how my siblings haven't seen me in over a decade and I haven't met my nephews. I've explained that I've messaged them, emailed them, if I had their phone numbers I'd call - they don't get back to me. My mother told me to give up about a year ago, considering she talks to them and told me they have nothing to say to me. She hasn't spoken to me in over 6 months - I no longer have her number, I think it's been changed. I once got in contact with an older nephew, they said they didn't know who I was and they were never told they had another aunt. I didn't know what to say. Now my appointments stem around how I should plan to make a family, something that repeated miscarriages when I was 'stable' has lead me to believe I can't do. Where is the logic in that? I don't know people, my ex-fiance left nearly 5 years ago, and there's no chance of re-kindling that considering they moved to Japan. If I can't support myself at the moment, why is my psychiatrist talking about starting a family? I've been to 3 separate therapy groups, none covering the support I needed. They just grouped me in with other issues because they didn't have a suicide recovery program in this town, so I sat in on AA Meetings and those groups women go to after they've had nasty divorces. If anything I felt worst, I sat in a room full of people talking about how much support they're getting from their children and extended family and I'm some faker who's never been married and was placed there to build a support net from people who don't require me around and already has support of their own. After that group ended, they said there's nothing else they can do for me - all other programs are full, and there isn't help. I'm stuck. I don't know what else to do. I'm going nowhere and I'm worst off than before. I'm running out of time, I don't know how I'm going to get by next. What happens to people with no family or friends? At least before I felt that if I died I'd upset people, and that held me off for years - but now, there aren't. If I die, nothing happens. Part of me wants to live again, because what I'm doing right now doesn't feel like living. I feel like I'm already half dead, and I don't know how to get out. I'm trying everything. I can't stop thinking about ending it, I have entire weeks alone with myself between trying to get out of here and back on my feet and I can't stand being around myself anymore. I've called for help where they rehabilitated me 6 months ago, there's no room. Where do I go?