I don't know what to do anymore.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by soulparagon, Aug 22, 2014.

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  1. soulparagon

    soulparagon New Member

    I'm an 18 year old male who just doesn't know what to do anymore :/
    My story is simple. I moved from Puerto Rico to the U.S when i was about 3 or 4 years old. We did this because my sister has autism. My mother wanted to find help for her to assure she had a good future. Sadly, there isn't much help in Puerto Rico for kids with Autism. From that point on, we've been constantly moving from place to place. We wouldn't stay at any one place for more than a year and a half or so. Because of this, i found myself making less and less friends each time until i wasn't making any at all.. I'd stay to myself and just wait until we move again.. I'v never really had friends. I'v been alone for most of my life. My mother is single, and has been since i was born. My two older brothers are always getting in trouble. They've been in jail more than 5 times each for different things. I would always stay home and take care of my sister until my mother return from work. I guess i was forced to grow up allot faster than i should have.

    Around my 16 birthday, i received my very own computer. This is where i discovered online gaming and communities. I spend most of my day playing games, watching YouTube videos, and (not proud to say) watching porn.. No matter how many people i met online, how long i knew them for, i'd always still feel lonely. I felt i couldn't talk to any of them about what was going on in my life and mind. Late last year, i met someone who i fell in love with. She was from Germany. Although it was hard for us to communicate, we still enjoyed talking to each other. We would speak for hours and hours each day, we'd play games together, video chat, and talk about things we'v never told any one else... We than started to "go out" I love her, and i wanted nothing more than to be with her. She later told me something that destroyed me though. She told me she wanted to end our relationship.. She said it wasn't right what she was doing.. The fact was that while we where "together" she was seeing someone else.. It was someone who use to be with her everyday, he'd drive from the city to see her, hang out, and make her smile. He slowly stopped visiting her and talking to her. It got to the point where he never talk or visited her again.. She said that when she met me, she was lonely and said because of that. That she was sad and needed someone there for her and its just so happened that i appeared. She said her feeling for me where not false though. She said she truly did love me, but that every time she said she loved me, she'd message him the same thing even though he never would reply. she said that not only did he lose him but now she lost me because of what she did. I didn't get mad, or stop talking to her. I told her i forgive her.. That it didn't matter because she had told me the truth.. but she still wanted to end our relationship.

    She stopped talking to me for some time. I'd send messages but would not get replies... This broke me heart so badly. I honestly felt like i wanted to die so that the pain i kept feeling would go away.. She later started messaging me again. She said she missed me and wanted to be friends, but only friends. She said her feelings changed for me and only wanted to be really good friends.. but i still loved her. I wanted to know why they changed.. Why everything between us changed. She would never answer though. She'd just stop talking with me for the day and the next day, we'd talk like nothing happen. I started getting annoyed. I wanted to know but she shrugged it off each time. One day i told her, I want to know why everything changed. What happened to her and that if she was alright.. That i would not speak with her again until we talked about it. She told me she was getting angry. That that is all i ever wanted to talk about. That i kept living in the past.. Maybe that's true, but its only because she's the only person i'v felt i had a connection too.. She stopped talking to me. After a few days of not getting a reply from her, i told her i was done. That i was never speaking to her again because all this did was cause me pain. I hated it so much. I didn't want to say goodbye. I love her.. but it was hurting too much and i knew it'd only get worse unless i leave her alone.

    After three months of not talking, she messaged me once more. This messaged said that she missed me.. That she was sorry for the pain she caused. She wanted to be friends again because she missed talking to me about anything and everything. She said i made her feel happy and smile. I hesitated but said alright.. We talked for a couple of weeks just fine but then she started not to reply to me.. We spoke over Facebook so i would see that she'd see the messages i sent it just a few minutes after i sent them... she said she had her own problems that i could not help her with. I thought we could tell each other anything.. I thought she knew that i would try my best to help her out in anything.. but i guess she doesn't trust me enough? :/ I told her i was tiered of this. That she said she missed talking to me but when i try and talk to her, she would just ignore me. she said she's tiered of this and had her own problems that i cant help her with. Now she does not want to talk to me. I don't understand what i did or what is happening :/ I just miss my only friend.. I miss her so much and it hurts.
  2. meaningless-vessel

    meaningless-vessel Well-Known Member

    A lot of what you've put in here is about a connection to just one person. And it sounds like she was on the rebound of a failed relationship.

    Long-distance relationships put an enormous amount of strain on both people - and it requires a huge portion of trust and honesty. By harping on trying to get answers, you've probably pushed her away from any kind of friendship that you could have had. Not only that - I honestly do not believe someone who could lead both you and another person on would be worthy of your dedication. That would ring alarm bells with me the minute it was said, and I'd be more likely to call it quits at that time.

    I reckon you'd be better off distancing yourself from this person, she doesn't sound like a nice person really to be able to treat you in that way and brush it off with "I have my own problems that you can't help with". You deserve someone a bit more clued up into spending time with just one person. Time will heal heartache - it does for most people, but some are generally too impatient to give it time.

    At 18, it might feel like the end of the world - heck I was 18 when I had my first proper relationship. But I've had the foresight all along that if I was single - the other person wasn't good enough for me rather than the other way around. Although in my most recent relationship I would say it was more an even keel - as we both helped each other enormously - rather than being one-sided all the time.

    I appreciate the pain is there - but do you have any hobbies or interests? Through yourself into them :)
  3. I understand how difficult it can be trying to love someone with everything youve got and they still not be happy . I know how it feels to just have that ONE person you can count on and trust in to be there for you and all you want is to give them that in return but to have them up and change their mind one day out of the blue for no apparent reason . The desire to understand will eat you alive if you allow it to its hard but you must fight . What she did to you was extremely selfish but the thing you must understand is that you can not blame yourself for her issues . The decisions that she made had nothing to do with you . Her choices were based off of her own issues . IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT .
  4. Husky

    Husky Well-Known Member

    Hi Soulparagon, Thank you for sharing your story and for your tremendous honesty. Someone very close to me has autism so I can relate to what you're saying and I admire you again for looking after your sister. You sound like a person of integrity, decency and sincerity. These excellent qualities are not to be underestimated. It's hard when someone hurts you like you have been hurt by someone you regarded so highly. As Loyalrealigion commented, it's not your fault though. You've done nothing wrong and you had no control over her actions and what she did.

    Meaningless-vessel raised a good point about throwing yourself into your hobbies. You mentioned you like online gaming. Maybe you could throw yourself back into that and meet some new people? I know there's a fear of being hurt again but things we fear don't always happen and getting back on the horse after falling off is a good remedy.

    I really hope everything improves. You're a person who is deserving of every happiness in the world.
  5. Husky

    Husky Well-Known Member

    Hi Soulparagon, I hope things have improved for you. You're a good person in a bad situation but things will get better. Husky.
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