I don't know what to do anymore

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Cassy, Jan 18, 2008.

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  1. Cassy

    Cassy Member

    Ive never posted on here before because I've been too scared, but I really don't know what to do anymore. He's following me everywhere. He emails me telling me what I've worn that day, he knew that I was off sick yesterday. He turned up at my house. He was here again. He would have done it again if I'd let him in. I can't live in fear of him anymore.

    My mum hits me, and abuses me in other ways. She's always hit me. She's never wanted me. Always told me that she tried to have an abortion. My dad doesn't stick up for me. No-one else in my family cares. My brother left home because of her, and rarely comes home.

    The only way out for me is uni, but because of my mental health records, that isn't a possibilty anymore. I'm stuck here forever. 'He' loves me, but hurts me at every opportunity. I can't have a boyfriend because of what happened. No-one wants me. I slice myself to pieces and I take regular OD's.

    I;ve had enough. I haven't got the fight in me anymore. I give up.
  2. D3ath

    D3ath Well-Known Member

    Hi Cassy. First off well done for being able to post it can be quite difficult.

    I Guess the most important thing Cassy is knowing that things can change in your life for the better. Can't you talk to your boyfriend (I'd Advice against face to face talks, but rather down the phone or text) explain to him what hes doing to you, and that if he cared about you he would stay away and give you space. If you feel you two might be able to sort things out, tell him you will contact him if you wish to continue the relationship after you sorted out your depression.

    Do you mind if i ask what sort of career you wanted to do after University? Because maybe you could find ways of still getting that career without attending university. Of course theres different types of courses too and different universities round the country.

    Im not really sure how metal health records affects your chances of getting into university, however try not to let that put you off. You can always apply anyway and see what happens.

    Maybe thinking about moving out your parents house too when the time right.

    Hope i helped, im not saying this is the path, however theirs still options you can take to change your life around. So please dont give up :hug:
  3. Cassy

    Cassy Member

    I haven't got a boyfriend. We split up. He couldn't cope with my mood swings, and I don't blame him. I freaked out whenever he touched me. I wouldn't hug him. He didn't know what to do when I had flashbacks or when I froze. He just though I was odd. He knew why though, but he thought I should get over it. He was always thretening me to stop cutting otherwise he'd walk out. But cutting was the only thing keeping me alive. He thought it was simple.

    I can't move out, my parents wont let me. My mum controls everything I do. The last time I moved out, she tried to kill herself. I have to stat at home. I wanted to be a teacher, so I've got no chance of doing that. I've beein in hospital because of suicide attempts, I'm never going to be trusted with children. And I can't do anything else. I can't afford uni anyway. I work, but mum takes my money.

    There really isn't another way out. I've been trying to find one for years, and haven't managed it yet. I'm not going to find one now.
  4. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Your mental health record will not affect you getting into uni and as to teaching, your medical records are private and (am assuming) as you are young should not hold you back in getting what you want.
    I would suggest your first port of call is finding a uni that will accept you, applying for a grant and living in halls. You may have to work part time to suppliment your grant but it's not impossible to do (been there, done it :smile:).
    Moving into halls will get you away from your mother and give you space to stand on your own two feet and make a life for yourself. You are not responsible for your mother's decisions. :hug:
  5. Cassy

    Cassy Member

    Thank you for your replies. The thing is, I applied for nursing a couple of years ago, and because of my suicide attempts ans self harm, I was deemed mentally unfit to deal with the stress of such a demnading course. I was told that I had to be free of mental ilness for 2 years before I could consider applying again. Which I was when I applied for nursing last year. But again, as soon as it got to the occupational health interview, my mental health let me down. It's a barrier that I'm not going to get past.

    I've already aplied to uni to start this September, but I haven't heard anything. It will be alright until they look at my records. And although they are confidential, I HAVE to tell them the truth as if they find out afterwards, I'll get into trouble. I've always wanted to work with children. If I can't be a children's nurse, and I can't be a teacher... what else is there for me to do? The job I'm doing at the moment is nothing like what I want to do, and I'm struggling with it. Everyone hates there job from time to time, but every journey into work, I think about ways of making sure I never have to go in again. I've crashed my car once, but it was deemed an accident.

    I'd love to go into halls, but when I went to uni before to do a course that my parents decided I would do, I lived in halls, and it didn't work out. I HAD to go home every weekend because if I didn't there was hell to pay the next time I went home. My mum threatened to kill herself every time I spoke to her on the phone because she said I didn't love her. I didn't want to believe her. I went home early the one week because I was struggling, and when i got home, I found her on the living room floor. She didn't even know that I was coming home. I was going to surprise her. So she didn't do it on purpose.

    I mentioned a month or so ago about trying to move out, and not only did I get the beating of my life, she said she'd kill herself if I left. And she's that ill, I really do believe she'd do it.
  6. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    Your situation sounds really stressful, and I'm really sorry about that. Well done for getting up the nerve to post.

    First thing, just like you are taking responsibility for your decisions, your mom has to take responsibility for her own life. I know it sounds simplistic, but there's nothing you, I, or anyone else can do that will save her life. Are you seeing a counsellor? Is she? This is too much to handle alone.

    I think finding a safe and stable environment for you to start your own healing is the most important thing, and living at home does not sound safe or stable. If you can't take that step to move out is there an aunt or uncle you could move in with, temporarily, or a sibling or cousin? You say you are working and that your mom takes your money. Can you open up a new bank account and have your paycheque deposited directly? And then if you have to pay her rent or whatever until you leave, you can just take that out in cash to give to her.

    As for jobs... and I think this is way down the road.... as getting a safe place to live is number one... but have you considered working in a library? There's librarians that specialize in working with children - they do school visits, run story hours, help kids with homework, pick out all the best kids books, run craft programs, that kind of thing. I know several friends with this job and they just love it. It's not as structured as a school setting, and much more fun and creative. They work with kids all day long. There's always openings for assistants, so even without a degree you could try it and see if you liked it. Some libraries will even pay for you to go to school.

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