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I don't know what to do anymore

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Whaty, Feb 8, 2009.

  1. Whaty

    Whaty New Member

    Well today I had a huge eye opener happen to me. I was woken up at 3:34 AM by a phone call to my cell phone, now.. I am only 16 so I was like, who the fuck is calling me.. It was my grandma. Now before I go any further I am going to tell you what led up to this phone call.

    The night before, I was just chillin on my computer, my friend Brandon was over playing my xbox 360 on xbox live, and I was on ventrilo talking to a few of my World of Warcraft friends. My dad got home from work and was in his normal angry mood that hes always in after he gets home from work. He came into the room and started yelling about nothing. This turned into a huge fight, in which very hateful things were said.. The last thing I said to my dad before he went out the door to go to the bars was "I fucking hate you get the fuck out of my life." He said "I'll be home later"... I waited up till 1 in the morning waiting for him to get home so I could apologize for the things I said to him and when he didn't come home I just thought he stayed at his girlfriends or something.

    Now back to the phone call, if you haven't guessed it by now.. it was about my dad. He passed away. He was going 85 miles an hour down the highway, drunk, and spunout across the median.

    Now this morning, after crying from 3 in the morning till around 10, this girl I really.. really liked came online. I told her what happened and she said "Whatever your a lieing fuck" or something along those lines and blocked me. She did this because I had cheated on her before and she didn't believe anything I said anymore. That added to the hurt... Not only do I now feel I am responsible for my dad's death but someone I really liked and possibly loved fucked me over.

    I am writing this because I need some help, I have no fucking idea what to do. My dad's dead and a girl that meant a lot to me is gone.. I have no where to go, my mom has a restraining order on my because she's actually a true crackhead (I am not saying this because I don't like her, but because she really is addicted to crack.) and I tried to get her to stop one day so she got a restraining order on me. My grandparents completely disown me because I am a stoner, and my older sisters live out of state.

    Suicide has been a thought in the back of my head for a long while and for some reason right now seems like the perfect time.
  2. cult logic

    cult logic Staff Alumni

    Wow. That's really awful.

    I'm not sure what to say other than my thoughts go out to you.
  3. the fleet asleep

    the fleet asleep Well-Known Member

    wow, im very sorry for your loss. thats a lot to have to deal with in such a short amount of time.

    you need to get into survival mode as soon as you can. give yourself some time to mourn, and feel whatever you need to feel to cope. i cant say i know for how long, but remember that youre going to need to do a lot of work afterwards. once youve done that, dont be afraid to get selfish.

    you need a place to live, so do what you need to to make sure you find one. if your grandparents disowned you cause youre a stoner, then bite the bullet and get clean. fast. besides that, if youve already a history of drugs, then taking drugs to cope will cause you to associate the drugs with relief. this will only bring you down.

    take things 1 step at a time, and prioritize. once you find a steady place to live, find a backup. failing that, get a job. do whatever you need to do to make sure theres a roof over your head every night, and drop anything that might jeopardize that. youll probably have to swallow a lot of pride, but youll wish you had if you dont. it only takes one night outside to come to that conclusion.

    dont worry about that girl. youre 16, and youve got much more pressing issues than those concerning some chick.

    im not going to pretend to understand the pain youre in. ive never had a close family member die, so the best i can do is sympathize. i do, however, have quite a bit of experience when it comes to finding yourself without a home at a young age. youre going to mourn, and feel like shit for a long time, but dont let that get in the way of your own survival. youve got a tough couple of months ahead of you, so try to prepare for that.

    i wish you the best, i really do.
  4. Whaty

    Whaty New Member

    I dont want to quit smoking pot, it's the only thing thats actually been there to help me get through times like this.. when my dad used to hit my mom I would go smoke.. when kids pick on me in school because I'm not the football quarter back sitting with all the ladies on his lap, I go smoke..

    It's the only thing I know.. but it's not helping this time the suicidal thoughts are still there while I have the high. The living situations isn't that big of a deal to me, thats not the reason I feel the way I do.. that just makes the way I feel stronger.. I have no problem going and staying at my friend Brandon's house, but that's not going to take away the things I said to my dad before I drove him out of the house to go drinking and then slam into a wall going 85 mph...
  5. Epical Taylz

    Epical Taylz Well-Known Member

    ive been through a similar situation in my life
    however i was much younger.

    i would try stopping pot
    its for your own good
    maybe ask your grandparents
    if you could see a therapist?
  6. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    I know the pain of loosing a family member. It is one of the worst feelings I have ever had. You need to stop blaming yourself. He was an adult and he made the choices that led up to this. He chose to go get drunk, he chose to get behind that steering wheel. If he was that drunk then I doubt he was thinking about your argument. The one thing I learned about loosing a family member is that as long as you carry him in your heart he will always be with you. Work on healing yourself. I'm not going to tell you to quit smoking because personally I see nothing wrong with it. But you should probably cut back just for a little while so you can make the right choices and not just keep putting them off. You need to go thru his things and find something that you know ment alot to him and hang on to that so you always have a reminder to talk to him. I wish you all the best!!!~Joseph~
  7. helena

    helena Staff Alumni

    First of, so sorry for you're loss :hug:
    I totally agree, and I think coming from someone who have been through the same means that could help you too.
    I wish things start to get better for you soon and hope you find sf a place where you can come looking for people to help you get through this hard times.
    You're a very young person and the end of your life is not supposed to happen before it really started.
    A lot of great things are laying ahead for you.
    Stay safe and strong,