I don't know what to do anymore...

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by MadeOfGlass, Mar 8, 2010.

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  1. MadeOfGlass

    MadeOfGlass Well-Known Member

    I really don't want to sound like a sob story on here, but I need to say something, and I don't have anyone I trust enough to say anything to. I won't say my exact age, but I will say I'm a young teenage girl. My grades are good, and it seems like I have friends to my parents, which to them is all that matters. I feel as though I wear a mask all day long, pretending to be the person my parents want me to be, because whenever I show them the person I want be, they disapprove of it.

    It really doesn't make sense to me. When you're a kid, your parents tell you to be the person you want to be, and no one should tell you who to be. But now that I actually have an idea of the person I am, they say it's not acceptable. I'm afraid to let them into any part of my life now, because I never know what they'ss think of it.

    At this point, if anybody is reading this, then they are probably thinking "What is with this girl? She's not suicidal-there's not enough wrong in her life". The problem runs deeper than what's on the outside. Being in junior high, all I'm doing is fading into the background and being ignored by people who I have always considered friends. The clawing pain inside me feels as though it's swallowing me whole and I can't get out. No one really cares about me there, and it stings.

    My parents. God. They act like I don't exist because they're too busy being caught up in their own lives. My dad is never home, because he's a pilot and when he is home, he is too oblivious because of the jet lag, he can't/won't do anything. By the time he is caught up in the time zones and is a functional human being again, he's off to work again. My mother doesn't have a job, but what she does when she is home is be on the phone and ignoring me and my older brother (who is nothing more than a bully, taking his anger out on his little sister, me). Most the time, she is gone, and where could she be? I have one guess-the casino. She spends more time at that damn place then she does at home. So no matter where I am, or who I'm with, there is always something more important than me.

    Except for when she is home, all she does is yell at me for totally unreasonable things, and makes me cry. When I cry, she just tells me to stop being such a dark, pouting, bitching creature. Exact quote.

    Lately, I have found something that takes the pain away for a little while. I'm not proud of it, but it's the only thing that works. I sneak my mom's painkillers and drink booze when I'm home alone. I can;t deal with myself any other way. I have been trying to cut, but I know that if I do, someone will see the scars in the locker room or something, and my mask would fall apart.

    All I really want is a way out of this. I know that if I said anything to people around me all they would say was that I wasn't serious, and that they don't see anything wrong with my life. I thinks that's only because they only see one side of my life; the fake one. They think I'm the happy one of the bunch, and I hate that.

    The one thing I'm scared of is what will happen after I do it, or if I try and fail, and someone catches me. I don't know what do and and I feel trapped, and I want a way out.

    Sorry this is so long, but the more I write, it hurts a little less.
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    It sounds like you are very lonely and just need someone to truly see you, hear you and care for you. Not a good move you know that the pills alcohol will only destroy your life it did my daughters it can cause so much brain damage Please talk to a school councillor a teacher someone about the pain and sadness you are feeling. Don't go down the road of addictions please don't god it is a horrible thing to see a child destroyed by it. Talk to a teacher a religous person a relative anyone okay leave a note for your mom and dad letting them know how sad and lonely you feel so they understand if you can't talk to them
    I am glad you can talk here keep talking okay but know now you are being heard and i am listening and caring
     
  3. June

    June Well-Known Member

    I can really understand you! My life fell apart when I was 12 and I looked for a way out in alcohol and drugs. Please don't do the same mistake as I did! Find a person to talk to, a teacher or anyone you consider to be a friend. If someone laughs about it or makes stupid remarks, forget them. There are people who care, it took me a long time to realize this and found a counsellor and a group for myself. There are just a few people who know about my depression, my parents still don't know and whenever I cut myself I still find ways of hiding it. But you sound like you don't want to do that and I admire that. I'm sure you'll find someone to talk to and they will help you. Maybe even sitting down with your parents in a quite moment would help?!
    Whatever you do, think about yourself and about your health. I can tell from experience that alcohol and drugs won't make things disappear, they might make it even harder. **hugs**
     
  4. cownes

    cownes Well-Known Member

    ow hun, how i can realte to you so much, i think so many people on here can realte to you, we have all felt how you are feelign at one time in our lives, if not more often. when we feel like this it is importnat to reach out and get some support from somewhere, SF can only do so much, you need someone to be able to support you in real life too, pain killers and alcohol is not going to take ur problems away, it may at the time, but it will only create more in the long run :hug: could u wrtie a note explaining how u r feeling and give it to a teacher, they can do certain things within there powers without even having to tell ur parents, it is worth a shot, even if they were to tell ur parents later down the line, would it really matter if it meant you where getting the support and care that you deserve and need, your parents should be proud that you are acknowledging that you need help, and while u feel this way, its the best time to get some help :hug: i would urge you to speak out to someone you trust prefferably a realiable adult who will help you! you dont have to tell them you could emial them, write them a letter or anything, you really deserve some help. if u ever wanna talk my PM is always open, i am currently in high school myself, so can understand entirely how u are feeling :hug:
     
  5. MadeOfGlass

    MadeOfGlass Well-Known Member

    Your guys support means a bunch to me, but the problem lies within everyone telling me to get professional help from somewhere other than a website. My parents either wouldn't care, or deny everything, or punish me for "indulging in such thoughts". I don't know, they usually say stupid stuff like that. I don't want rumors going around the school, and anyways, none of my friends would take me seriously, they consider me the happy-go-lucky one. I don't trust anyone in my life enough to tell them.
     
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