my life has gotten completely out of my control. i am happy at some times...but inside i know i can't stand myself. i hate myself. i did do one good thing today that has been holding me down for a while... a few weeks back me and one of my best friends at the time...got into a fight about something that someone else said. she got mad at me for something i didn't do and i just couldn't take her immaturity anymore. we stopped talking for about 2 weeks and i realized i was so much better off without her. i was so happy and i had met new people and got to spend more time on old friends... and i had no worries in life. then about 2 weeks ago from tonight...we started talking again. i realized i didn't want this but i didn't want to be mean and i didn't want anymore conflicts with people. so i talked to her and we hung out like once. i regret it. today i finally just told her i don't want her in my life. and i'm so happy i did. she blew up at me but i can honestly say i dont care. i look at a friendship like a relationship. it takes 2. and she was always about herself. she always brought drama. and not one day would go by where she could just be happy. it made me miserable. and i'm so happy it's over with. now tonight...i've realized that i'm doing something to myself that i shouldn't be. i am very unhappy with my looks. everyone says i'm pretty the way i am but i'm not happy with myself. i've been starving myself more and more..and it's working. i also have a horrible sleeping problem....i never sleep. on average about 2-3 hours a night. the other day at work i nearly passed out from this. i'm an idiot and i know it. there is this boy that i am falling for...he makes me happy. he is the only reason i smile sometimes. problem is..he's in another state =/ i've never ever had anything like this. i want to meet him..i really do. and this sounds pathetic...i know it does. i've never had feelings for someone i've never met. but he is nothing short of amazing, & i hate the way i am right now. i hate myself and the way i look. i don't think i deserve anyone right now. i will never fully dedicate myself to a relationship and be happy and love someone else when i can't even do this with myself. it's horrible. i don't know what to do. or what to tell him. i hate life right now. all i do is work and sleep. i see my friends but i rarely get to do anything because of work. my car just recently got repossessed because i left it up to someone else to pay my car payment when i knew i shouldn't have. it's a long story i don't want to get into. but i've been stuck here every night and all i want to do is leave and be able to be alone...away from everyone. there's a park i go to at night and just swing. i stare at the city lights and think about everything. sometimes i go there to cry... and sometimes i stay there while it's raining. i love it more than anything in the world and i can't have it when i now need it the most. i'm going to crack. i hate being here. there are so many things i want right now and i can't have them. this guy...i don't see my dreams coming true. this happiness with myself...i don't see it happening. i'll never be able to have a happy life. i'll never be able to have control of myself. no one ever really listens and no one can ever relate. i love this site and all of you. i love knowing that in some way i'm not alone. and u guys actually take the time to read these posts and most of u respond from your hearts and it amazes me and makes me happy to know that people like you still exsist. i don't think i could ever kill myself but sometimes i just feel like i have no reasons to try to stick it out here.