I don't know what to do anymore...

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Ca., Feb 21, 2012.

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  1. Ca.

    Ca. New Member


    I need to talk to someone. I can't talk to my friend, for there are things I cannot say.

    Let me explain my situation.

    I was in a relationship with someone. Since August, we have tried to break up. Why? Because he comes from a Muslim family, as his parents are forcing him to get married to another woman. So we decided it would be right to stop seeing each other. But we can't, because we love each other. So we're back together on and off, and it's driving me crazy. People have told me to tell him to stop contacting me. I can't. I love him so much I'd rather have him in my life and it hurts, rather than not at all.

    He is a very decent man, very good and caring, very respectful. He supports me. But he is afraid of losing his parents and disappointing them. He has been warned than staying with me would result in him being rejected by his family and the entire Muslim community in the town he comes from.
    I just wish he could tell me to get lost, but he won't, because he doesn't want to hurt me further.

    We are both destroying each other.

    I live in Scotland on my own. My family lives in France. My best friend lives near London. It's very difficult sometimes.
    I'm a trainee teacher, so I'm under a lot of stress.

    Two weeks ago, I started having headaches. I had a constant headache for a whole week, accompanied by violent migraines. My GP said it was related to stress and anxiety. It put me under a lot of stress. Fortunately, it stopped. Why? Because I have another problem that took over.
    Two week-ends ago, the man in my life came to see me, because I was struggling with my headaches. He was worried about me. In the past, whilst having sexual intercourse, we would always use a condom at the end and I was on the pill. I stopped taking the pill, because we weren't supposed to see each other again. We ended up having sexual intercourse, without the pill, and used a condom for the end. But everyone knows you can become pregnant if you don't use a condom from the very beginning.

    I've started feeling pregnancy symptoms, a lot of them. I don't know if I'm pregnant or if it's psychosomatic, it's too soon to tell. The man in my life knows about it and is supporting me. But he won't stay with me and raise the child, should I be pregnant, as he can't do it. He thinks the best thing to do would be to get an abortion. I agree that it would be the best thing to do, but I do'nt want to.
    Now I'm waiting to see if I'm pregnant or not.

    This Saturday (18th Feb), he had to go back to his hometown. Something happened there, he said his parents had "started the ball rolling towards getting him sorted with a person in mind" (his words). I don't know more. He said it would hurt me. I'm not sure I want to know anyway.
    How can he support me when he is in the process of meeting someone else?

    I can't tell anyone about this pregnancy scare.

    I'm starting my next teaching placement on Monday, in a new school. I'll be travelling two hours every day, which will add to my stress.

    I don't know what to do. I'm so upset, hurt, sad, angry, stressed out, I don't want to live anymore.
    In the past, as a teenager, I've resorted to self-harm. Back in November, I did it again. This man helped me go through it. It's coming back. It's scaring me.
    There is too much going on, I can't take it anymore. I'm tried of everything.

    I have told my mother and my best friends about the things going on between the man and I. But now I'm putting on a straight, happy face, pretending everything is ok. Nothing is ok. I just stay in bed, in pain and wait for time to pass. This is too much.

    When I moved to Scotland last August, I thought I'd have a happy life with the man I love, doing the job I love. Now I'm living in a nightmare. I'm on the verge of giving up on everything.

    I don't know what to do.

    Thank you for reading, it means a lot to me.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Oh dear HE has stated he is not available to you hun he has chosen to follow his family his religon and you need to move on You may n ot be pregnant it may just be all stress that has caused symptoms I do hope you stay with your job go out meet new people and realize that what you have will never be what you want because he is not available You find someone that is ok do that for YOU
  3. Ca.

    Ca. New Member

    Thank you for your answer, total eclipse.
    I have to say everyone I have talked to has told me the same thing.
    I know, deep down, it is the right thing to do.

    I find it hard to even think of moving on.
    I was in a serious relationship before being with that man. My ex left me for another woman after 5 years. I'm glad we're over now, when I think back, because it was an abusive relationship.
    But I ended being afraid of rejection and thinking I'm a failure at relationships. And blaming myself for everything that ever goes wrong - a thing you learn from abusive relationships, blame yourself so the other person won't get mad at you...
    Now this is happening again, and I feel rejected and like I failed. Because once again, I am being rejected for another person / several people in that case. And I still believe I'm responsible for it.

    What is the point of telling me you love me if you don't stick with me?...
    I just feel so tired of giving everything and having doors slammed in my face in return.

    I cannot leave my training. I had to take a loan of 15,000€ to be able to move to another country and live here, because I'm not being paid during my training. Which means that if I am indeed pregnant and decide to keep the baby, I'll basically be a single mum with no money whatsoever and in debt.
  4. b-rock

    b-rock Well-Known Member

    I am sorry to hear about all this you are going through. It must be tough, but stay strong. I've been in a similar situation and things become hard to judge and right and wrong isn't as clear as black and white. nevertheless, you should either move on without him or leave him an ultimatum...i.e you or his chosen life. It is selfish for him to jump back and forth between you and his current circumstance. Whatever your decision maybe stick with it. I know this is easier said then done, but you need to take some timeout for yourself. Like take a nap during the day, take a hot bath with bubbles and candles, listen to classical and soothing music (bach- b min mass kyrie eleison, chopin- prelude e minor, beethoven- moonlight sonata/love story/fur elise, pavarotti- caruso are some relaxing songs)...ect. Try to mediate or do yoga. Working out is also a great way to relive stress. Like eclipse said you may not even be preg. so relax. i hope things go well. good luck
  5. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hard decisions hun but please make sure whatever you choice it is the best for YOU okay for YOU hugs
  6. Ca.

    Ca. New Member

    Thank you for your answers, it means a lot.

    I think giving him an ultimatum would be a good idea, but I personally refuse to do that, because:
    1) I think it would be wrong, no one should ever have to choose between the people they love
    2) I'm absolutely sure he wouldn't choose me
    We are in touch re the pregnancy thing, as I thought he deserved to know. He thanked me for telling him, and also thanked me for not blackmailing him with this potential pregnancy. Should I really be pregnant, I wish I had the strength to make him do something. But all I have to do is wait. a few days to go before I go.

    But I have to move on. Either with or without him. I just don't know how to.
    I am not a very strong person. And I don't have any self-respect. I let people walk all over me. All the people that are close to me have noticed and told me to stop doing it. Some friends are afraid that I will end up being really, really hurt if I continue like this. I don't know how to be stronger. I don't want to hurt people.

    B-rock, I will try and do what you said, take some timeout for myself.
    I used to do yoga and work out, and I remember I used to feel way better then. I would like to work out again, but I don't have the strength at the moment. And I'm scared I'll hurt the baby if I'm pregnant -- which is stupid, because I checked and I wouldn't.
    I am so tense all the time, without all the problems I'm going through and my work and university work.
    I am setting a goal for today : set a timeout for myself and relax.

    I recently learned that a friend of mine, who is battling breast cancer, has been hospitalised. She is doing very poorly. I have no way of visiting her, because she lives in another country. I've known her for years, I cannot imagine her not being in my life. I don't want her to die. It's unfair. And she has two little girls. What will they do without her? What will we all do without her?
    A friend who lives not too far from her is going to visit her is the coming days and bring her messages for everyone. But I feel so sad and I'm so scared.

    Total eclipse, I will try and remember that, thank you.
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