I don't know what to do with myself

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by rv498, Mar 13, 2012.

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  1. rv498

    rv498 Well-Known Member

    I'm stuck. I'm not rich but I am not poor. I am 39. Not happily married but sticking to it for the sake of my daughter who is just six. Me and my wife have nothing in common and we've been together too long (11 years). Work drove me constantly busy and I lost the timing to act on divorce. I feel it's too late now. She's not a bad person at all, it's just that we have nothing in common.

    I am scared of the prospect of divorce too. I mean I don't want to be single again. That's why I am stuck. I try to make the best of it but it just seems too cruel for me to waste away my life like this. There is no answer to this. Everyday I am bombarded with "I shoulda, woulda, coulda" way of thinking. There is no "kodak" moment, no beauty to unearth in our pathetic togetherness, I artificially go through the motions of "representing fatherness" for my child's important moments in her life (ex. birthday party at school). I think I can't live long because I am constantly feel like ripping myself to pieces.

    I don't drink, smoke, or illicit street drugs. But now I understand why people do them, pain is unbearable a lot of the times. I need something to soothe my mind so to speak. Coffee and Energy Drinks help, walking and people watching helps too. Psychologist/Social Worker helps. Videogames help. But I feel too bored and feel like living in a coffin in this gloomy seattle/bellevue weather. Relocation is out of question because we already invested heavily on our retirement here. Washington State is #1 for suicides in the US they say.

    I thought about drop everything and become a monk in far east asia. I just want to get away from all these. I've suffered long enough. I wish I could pay someone to kill me, heck I don't even know how to go about finding a street drug dealer, let alone finding a contract killer to put me out of misery. I don't want to do this myself because I might fail and I would end up worse off than before the attempt.

    Odds are I might be able to live till I am 80. That means I am only half way there. What am I gonna do with next 40 years? Yuck! Life sucks.
     
  2. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    I have been married over 30 years and would not exchange that for anything. Yes, the initial thrill of it is gone... but you become family and family can never be discarded, in my opinion. That said, it is your 6 year old daughter that is what is most important. Consider this: If you are unhappy, surely you love your little girl... right? Why not then devote the rest of your life to doing anything and everything for her. Take her places, get her interested in things you enjoy (hobbies and other interests). Involve her in something such as sports or dance or music, or anything that requires practice and training. Encourage her and help plan with her. Do these things to enhance her life experience and to ensure that she is not on here one day writing something. Make what she has special, because she is special... She is your little girl.
     
  3. rv498

    rv498 Well-Known Member

    Yes u are so true. It's just me and her now. I hope she grew up to be intelligent good natured happy person. At least she is happy now. This is gonna be my last hope for my dear life.
     
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