I haven't felt like this in so long I can't remember how to deal with it. I've been on meds for a few weeks now. Zoloft and BuSpar. They were working good. I was feeling a little better, my anxiety wasn't as bad, days seemed a little brighter ya know. The last three days on the other hand have been so horrible. I have that sickening,deep, I literally dont know what to do with myself feeling. The horrible part is that I can't explain it to anyone who hasn't felt it themselves. All I want are some pain meds or to take some more xanax. But I think thats what causing this spiral. I've been steadily popping pills for the last week or so. If the pills are whats causing it, maybe benzos,zoloft, and buspar don't mix. I don't want to go tell my mom about this. I was trying to do something really extreme that she would notice and I would have to spell it out for her. I've tried hinting that I've been taking all kinds of pills. Last night was one of the worst nights and I tried so hard to cut into my wrists but it hurts too much for me. I thought if I could cut deep enough they would obviously leave a noticeable gash. Instead all I have are skin deep scratches that itch really bad. I think I might call around for some more pills, go buy another bottle of cough syrup or just keep taking the clonidine pills I got a while back. If I take enough of them they put me to sleep. I fucking hate my family and everyone around me right now. I feel so bad but for some reason Im stuck and not able to tell anyone. I can hardly speak to myself right now. I'm almost numb because theres nothing else I can feel besides this horrible heavy dark bad ball in my stomach and I want it out and I want to feel better and I want to enjoy my life for once. My mom says I have to take a shower and go to the bank to cash my check. I'm going to but a bottle of robitussin and chug it down the second I get back home. Maybe I'll cut or something. I'm sorry if any of this comes of as me being an attention *****. I just have no where else to put all of this right now. I'm sorry.